Hi everyone, I'm new here and lost... - Al-Anon Family Group

LinnieLee · Newbie

Hi everyone, I'm new here and lost...

Diva · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome LinnieLee. I am so glad you came here.

While it is a "rule" of AlAnon not to advise, I believe it would be negligent not to tell you that physical abuse does not stop. It only increases, day by day, year by year, and what the outcome will be, only God knows. You could end up physically maimed of worse... dead! It is not unusual for physical violence to escalate to a fatal outcome. THis man is in desperate need of mental help, but that does not mean you must allow yourself to continue to stand in harm's way.

Here is your quote: "I care and worry about him and I don't want him to end his life but I also have to look out for myself and I fear that if there's a next time, it's going to be much worse."

Yes it will become much worse. It is not a matter of "if" there is a next time; only a question of WHEN! Please don't become stuck in the mire of this frightening relationship. You deserve so much better.

Please find an AlAnon meeting close to you and attend it. And visit with us here on MIP as often as you wish. We are here, and we listen.

Take good care,

Diva

ythannah · Senior Member

(((Linnie))) That sounds like an awfully scary place to be!

Your physical safety has to be your #1 priority. NO ONE should tolerate physical abuse or harm. If you fear threats of suicide, you don't have to make it a "leaving forever" boundary, just a "leaving a violent situation until things cool down" boundary. You have every right to set and enforce that limit. And there is no point in trying to deal rationally with someone who is intoxicated.

Al-Anon will teach you that you do not cause or control (or cure) another person's behaviour, and that includes suicide. I'm not saying that there's no risk of suicide for your BF, but that threat is often used by addicts as an emotional manipulation tactic to control others. I had an ex who managed to suck me back into an unhealthy relationship using that one. And another ex who would tell me that I was his "reason for living". On the one hand, I could take that as a huge compliment, but in reality it's just a very big and unhealthy burden to place on another person.

Find an Al-Anon meeting in your area and start taking care of YOU.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Linnie

I would also like to welcome you. I am so sorry you are dealing with this painful disease. Please know that alcoholism is a disease. You Did not cause, Cannot Control and Cannot Cure.

In alanon we learn to focus our energy on ourselves and recovering from the effects of living with this disease. As Diva pointed out We have local meetings in your community

Help with finding local meetings near where you live may be found at the following web site: http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html Or call: 1-888-4alanon

Online meetings are held in the Al-Anon chat room associated with this site.

There is a free book offer by "Canadian Guy" at the top of this Board. It gives very helpful insights in dealing with this disease. Just click on the link below

Offer of Free Book

Your safety is most important. Here are some additional #s you can call in addition to 911

Battered Womens Justice Project: 1-800-903-0111.
National Organization for Victims Assistance: 1-800-879-6682
National Resource Center for Domestic Violence: 1-800-537-2238
US Domestic Violence Hotline/ General Information: 1-800-799-7233

You are not alone and there is hope and help Come here often and let us know how you are doing.

lizzakiss · Veteran Member

((Linnie))
I'm fairly new here myself and I know they say not to make any changes for 6 months or so but in this case with the physical abuse you need to remove yourself from that situation. At least while he is drunk/high and hitting you. When he is sober you could talk to him or at least try. he may have graduated the rehab but if he's still drinking it doesn't sound like it did much good.

I don't know your BF but I know mine and whenever he would threaten suicide it was in the throes of one of his chaotic dramas or when I was not answering his calls or leaving. It was a huge manipulation tactic on his part and I came to realize that and that he wasn't going to hurt himself. A big difference is my BF is not drinking, he's 8 yrs sober just not working his program so I still deal with all the behaviors, etc whereas yours is active. If you honestly feel your BF may hurt himself it's OK to call emergency services. they will help him. Please take care of you, there are people that love and care for you and want you to have a full, happy life. And by coming to this board you just made a boatload of wonderful, caring friends.

((hugs)) to you and keep coming here...you're in my prayers.

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

If he is suicidal you can call emergency services. It's not that the only way to keep him from committing suicide (assuming he really wants to follow through on his threats) is to stay with him. But if he's been through rehab, he knows where to get help. He's had counselors and he should have an AA group, or even if he doesn't he knows about AA and how to go. All it takes to start getting help is a phone call, so it's not beyond his reach.

Many people who feel suicidal manage to last out the pain and go on with their lives. But if (if) he were to commit suicide, it would not be your fault. He has help available. And if he was mixed up in alcohol and drugs, they will be making him crazier and more desperate. If he wants to improve his life, he can work on the addictions. It's not as if his relationship is the only thing going wrong in his life -- far from it. So neither he or you should blame the relationship if he feels awful.

But the bottom line is that you need to protect you. He can't protect you -- and even worse, he's a threat to you. You might want to call your local battered women's shelter about methods to get out of the relationship safely. And I hope you can get to some local Al-Anon meetings. And keep coming back here. There are many people here whose lives have been transformed by recovery.

Katy · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome to our family LinnieLea, and grab yourself a coffee often and read the wealth of information that is free to you right here.

Katy

x

chezza · Veteran Member

welcome to the board linnie. I feel your pain here as it's like looking in a mirror and seeing my old self. Keep coming back linnie as the support I can say myself on this board and mainly from my al-anon (family) support has changed my life.

Remember you have choices something I never realised I had until a few years ago when I got al-anon.

I can share that I started with small steps in al-anon not saying a word at meetings as I could not speak. A year or so on and I am openly sharing my experience, strength and hope. The acceptance that I received is the most precious gift I have ever received. Now I can welcome you and pass on the message of hope.

Keep coming back and all will be revealed

Hugs

chezza

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

Often threats of suicide are a way of maintaining control - it keeps us in a sick relationship and I agree with Diva abuse is totally unexceptable drunk or sober .. You deserve better than that you are no ones punching bag regardless of what thier issues are . I suggest if you are hurt again to call the police trying to save him could cost u your life .
Physical abuse is progressive it only gets worse and if he did it once he will do it again and again and again .
If someone is a danger to themselves or others often police take them to phyc ward and he may get the help he needs . If your not already please find Al-Anon meetings for yourself u need support . You cannot deal with this alone nor do u have to . Louise

MapleMom · Member

Hi Linnie, I have heard more and more on this message board,
-You didn't cause it, You can't control it, and You can't cure it. This would apply to his alcoholism, his violence and suicide threats.
People who threaten suicide as a method to keep you in a relationship is a form of control. He is trying to manipulate you into staying, make you feel guilty. If he chose to commit suicide, that is his choice, his disease talking there is nothing you can do or say that would change that. If you need to get out for your own safety, do so, call your local emergency services, suicide hotline, crisis line, womens shelter, etc for advice. I know in my community the police are trained to deal with suicide threats, They would come and bring him to the hospital where there is trained staff for dealing with this. I hope this is true of most communities, if not, I'm sure there would be some resource available to you somewhere.
Keep coming back, and I will keep you in my prayers.
Tarah

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.