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My husband, with few exceptions, relapses on a Saturday. I work all day; he does not. He has alot of free time on his hands. Would it be supportive or controlling to change the days I work or take off some weekends or is this just not taking care of myself and taking care of him? Thank you. I always know I can get great insight on this board.
You have to examine your motives and be brutally honest in program if u want the most success. Why do u want to be there, what are u planning to do. If u want more free time to work on yourself and do something that is good and healthy for your life, great. If u want to be an inconvenience to him, police him, baby sit him which all that does is feed the disease and you lose ~ YOU, then u know the answer already.
I had to also really look at what my true needs were vs. my wants and fantasies. I made a lot of demands that were uunecessary, I was in denail and deluded in fanstasies. My true needs were rather simplistic when I got down to them.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
he has free time but free time doesnt make someone relapse. and like if he was in a program of recovery, if he had free time he could use it to get to a meeting etc. its not a bad thing to have a day to onesself its not causing someone to drink. if they want to then they will regardless of free time. imho.
you being there or being at work is not making him drink or not drink. i agree if you do it for you then thats good but if you do it to stop him drinking then thats notso good, because his drinking is not because of you not being there, and then you have changed your life to fit around his behaviour and what about you. bc like people say you didnt cause it and you cant cure it. i am sorry if i offend w wot i said tcx
-- Edited by Slugcat on Thursday 18th of March 2010 11:28:32 AM
Trust me if the man wants to drink wether its your day off or not he will drink.. and you will spend your day off playing watchman , I am sure u can find better things to do with a precious day off .. I used to try and find repairs around the house to keep him busy , he did them all with a beer in one hand . So let go and enjoy a day for yourself , try the spa or shopping or lunch out with a friend , he will do what he needs to do ..
I can really relate to this post. My husband has Wednesday mornings free. He's sober and has been for a year next week, but he finds other unproductive things to do with his time. I've found myself on multiple occasions deciding that I would work from home on Wednesday mornings - and when I'm really honest with myself, the reason is so that he will not do the unproductive stuff.
I appreciate reading the replies to this thread, which serve as a reminder to me that I am not a policeman and I do not have the ability to control what my husband does or doesn't.
being brutally honest here.... he is not "relapsing" on saturdays he's getting drunk. I to would examine your motives here. You believe if you are home on saturday he will not drink, you can stop it somehow? He will find another, day time or place to drink if thats what he is going to do. And thats what alcholics do, they drink. Try and remember the 3C's Blessings to you
I have been through this myself and it doesn't work. I would go with him when he went into town so he couldn't buy liquor. He still managed to get it and I still don't know how or where. I would cancel outings with friends if he was going to be home alone that day. He still managed to drink. I was changing my whole life to deal with his drinking. I was doing everything I could to prevent him from drinking. And none of it worked- he still drank! All I was doing was making myself crazy, it made no difference in his behavior. Your A will drink, or he won't, no matter what you do. So instead of policing or babysitting him, maybe you should spend your day off doing what you want to. Do something nice for you, you deserve it.
I remember I would hide alcohol in the kitchen cabinets, so she started cleaning them once a week, so I started hiding it behind the books on the book case in the living room, she started dusting them every few days, I started hiding it in the bathroom, under the sink, she started rearranging and organizing everything under the sink regularly, I hide it in the car, and she started taking it to the car wash each weekend, I hide it in the yard, and she started walking around grooming the yard regularly....
I hide it in the attic... thinking... gosh, she is such a good wife, sure keeps everything nice and tidy.
In short, my drinking didn't change, only how and where I drank did. I was consumed by alcoholism... she was consumed by me. I got drunk, she went nuts.
John
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" And what did we gain? A new life, with purpose, meaning and constant progress, and all the contentment and fulfillment that comes from such growth."
This is no relapse. He drinks on Saturdays. If you want to stick around and watch him drink, change your day off. Otherwise, stick to your schedule. Your being there will have no effect whatever on his drinking.
Wish best wishes,
Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
Examining you motives is #1.I dont think I can add to the wisdom and experience here on that point.
But I did notice one thing you didnt mention.What does HE want? Has he expressed a desire for you to be home on the weekends? Have you asked him his opinion on the subject? Doing something For someone that they didnt ask or desire you to do is NOT being supportive.It is being controlling.
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Serenity is not freedom from the storm but peace within the storm.
So let go and enjoy a day for yourself , try the spa or shopping or lunch out with a friend , he will do what he needs to do ..
