The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am a recovery alcoholic with a lot of time in recovery. I've also spent 3 1/2 years in alanon following a difficult marriage to a non-recovering alcoholic. I'm currently in a terrific relationship with a wonderful man with just a little more sobriety than I have. The difficulty for us is his 26-year-old daughter, who is a heroin addict (on and off?) and is presently living with him. His behavior gets crazy with her addiction, and it's getting to me. For the first time in six months tonight we had conflict over his relationship with her, its toxicity, and his difficulty in asking her to move. I vacilate between talking about it, isolating and withdrawing, and feeling guilty for setting any boundaries at all - I feel like I'm spinning. I'll take advice!
But Late we don't give advice. Gotta go with your experiences. Courage to change the things you can. You've made a decision about the situation and he has made a different one. You're thinking she's gotta go and he's not. If he was drinking what would you decide? Is this similar to if he were drinking? Addictions come in all forms with similar motivations. What is it that you want for yourself and what are you willing to do to get it. Go to any lengths? Your Serenity and maybe even your Sobriety are at stake (one perception). How much power do you have or are you power-less. There is one who has all power and that one is _____, May you find him now. Al-Anon's tap root is AA the addiction focus is different and you've been working it for a long time. He's got choices and you have choices...some times they are not the same and for me when they are not first things first? Let go, let God and do the next right thing for me. Nothing new here I know. You've heard it before and almost as long as I have. The test of it is in working it. Trust God...Clean House...Help others. Do not place yourself in a slippery situation...Self Love sometimes means you're the only one using a life preserver literally.
(((((hugs)))))
Most all Al-Anon meetings are open meetings...you're a member so go and you might ask for feedback on "Detachment".
-- Edited by Jerry F on Thursday 18th of March 2010 01:29:08 AM
Instead of arguing about his daughter and letting it affect your relationship , can u suggest he attend Al-Anon meetings for himself ( a diff one than the one u attend ) we all know he has to come to a decission for himself one that he can live with ... ultimatums don't work , threats don't work , detachment does OR next meeting u attend find a Detachment pamphlet and suggest that this may help his situation ...
Hi, Late. I can only speak from my own experience. I've found that doing extra meetings and extra praying in difficult times brings me answers. You can't change him, but you might suggest he attend some Al Anon meetings. At least he can learn to detach and not enable his daughter and you can spend that time attending your own meetings and keeping your program on track. Meetings and working the steps with your sponsor can be a great way to keep your program on track and keep you out of the chaos that is going on around you.
Can't give advice cause only you know whats best for you But i might suggest the 2 of you attend alanon meetings together. And alanon does suggest to us not to make any major life decisions for at least 6 months so you may be in this for the long haul. I was very gratful for that suggestion as our A son lived with us and in the beginning I was no where near being ready to throw him out. It has actually taken me 1 1/2yrs to get to that point. He is in jail at the moment in thier rehab unit. We have told him he is not coming home this time... of course we must remind him of this over and over as he isn't used to us following thru with that threat. He is essentially homeless if released today and I have to live with that decision. We have however found him a sober living home to go to upon release and the rest is up to him. I guess what I am trying to say is that when it is your child as a parent we are compelled to support them, fix them etc and i think it takes us parents a little longer to make those big decisions because it goes against every grain of our body. I can see where it would be totally upsetting for you and thats why i and i think others suggested you and bf attend alanon meetings Blessings to you all
My heart goes out to both you, your husband and his daughter. Alcoholism and/or addiction can be so disturbing when it is a daughter or son we see it in. It is very scary and often hurtful. The best thing either you or he can do is pray and get to a lot of meetings. Both AA and Al-Anon. Just because we haven't had a drink in a while, doesn't mean we can't act or feel like a drunk, when our emotions are going haywire on us. Trust that no one could reach us when we were out there, but HP got us here, and when the daughter is ready, HP will guide her here as well. Not a day before then.
Our role is to be here for her when she steps over the threshold into the rooms of recovery.
John
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" And what did we gain? A new life, with purpose, meaning and constant progress, and all the contentment and fulfillment that comes from such growth."
