The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
One of the things my seminar stressed this weekend and that really helped pull me out of my self pity, was the idea that I must take responsibility for my future. There is a pay-off when I remain in self-pity - there is no risk and I believe that I am somehow hedging against future pain.
Yesterday and this morning, I've been plagued by this awful fear. My A and I are separated - we are not married. I moved out of our house and am now adjusting to being in a new place. The victim role is very comfortable. I forget who I am and I believe that my life is completely dependent upon HIM and HIS love and I have the horrific fear that keeps playing out in my mind that he is going to meet someone else and that he is going to get into a healthy relationship. I have not let go yet - I am still mirred in fear and insecurity. I seem to be searching around for my power, but still keep reverting back to feeling as though I am incomplete without him. I know that this is a myth but it FEELS very real.
"I seem to be searching around for my power, but still keep reverting back to feeling as though I am incomplete without him."
For me, my power is right within me.... waiting to be recognized. My disease had separated me from that power... the power that runs the entire universe. While I was married, I had given my AH way too much power. I had made him God. My well-being was dependent upon his acceptance of me. Once I had this awareness and acceptance of my part in it, my healing journey began.
The pain has served a perfect purpose for getting me back to my HP. Every day, I must stick to a routine that puts HP first in my life. My well-being depends on that routine because I have a disease that wants to continue the separation. So I must pray often, and I must meditate, getting quiet enough to shut out all the distractions, making the time to "be" with my HP. That is the peace I carry with me on my daily round. That is what keeps me spiritually fit.
Spiritual progress, not spiritual perfection. All I need to supply is the willingness.
So glad I don't have to do this alone. ((((hugs))))
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
Oh yeah... this post hits home - big time - with me.... I spent far too many precious hours in that very same pity party - early on, it was refreshing to seek and have people feel sorry for me - after awhile, it became clear to me that this constant seeking of pity wasn't doing ME any good, and it became less & less effective in my recovery.....
This was one of my "aha" moments in my recovery: I was at a family conference at my ex-wife's treatment center, and was talking to one of the counselors there.... I had been attending Al-Anon for a few years, and I guess I was fairly full of myself, etc.... He asked if there was anything else bothering me, and I told him, truthfully, that "part of me almost wanted my wife to use again, so that I could walk away from the marriage, honorably, once and for all". Now, I would have sworn at the time that I was no longer 'playing the victim', but his response almost floored me. I was half expecting a bit of a "poor Tom, it must be really hard" kinda response, but the counselor instead said: "of course you do... that way you can continue to blame your wife for everything that goes wrong in your life, and not take personal accountability for anything!" Well, I....... he......... was 100% right...
In my opinion, this is one area where we (as Al-Anons) are better off & more capable of dealing with than our A's.... I remember having a really great conversation with a wonderful friend, whom I had met at one of my ex's Treatment Centers - he explained the difference between him (Alcoholic/Addict) and me (Al-Anon) in the following way..... "You are capable of having a bad day, and deciding it is just a bad day, and tomorrow will be better..... I, on the other hand, along with most addicts, feel that on a bad day, the whole world is closing in on me, and things will never get better."
That stuck with me for a long time.... and helped me gain a better look at perspectives.....
I can choose to be happy (or miserable) and only I am responsible/accountable for my life..... wow, what a concept....
Still very much a work in progress, but just understanding & accepting this is a great start....
Take care Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Tom, Your reply is the answer I asked my HP for. I have been doing very well lately in my recovery and my A also has been progressing but for the life of me could not understand why the smallest setback sets this man into a tailspin and has a complete meltdown.... your friend's explanation of a bad day for us (alanons) and them (As/addicts) was like a 3000 watt bulb going off in my head. I get it now...the next time it happens I will understand a bit more what the A is dealing with on his end making detatching from the possible drama to follow easier for me and with a bit more love and compassion attached to my heart.
thank you so much!!!
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"Change is the essence of life. Be willing to surrender what you are for what you could become."
I have those harrowing moments too. It is awful. What I do is hedge against it. Whatever it takes - a phone call, reading the literature, go to an extra meeting, call anybody. It those aren't possible, I go into prayer and meditation and ask my HP for help. They don't last as long now. His future is not in our hands. He has an HP too.
Aloha Runner and Mahalo for the trip back onto recovery memory lane. For me it came with the awareness and the admission that I had made my alcoholic and lots of other people, places and things my "Higher Power(s)" along with the awareness that absolutely no one and nothing can occupy that position and guarantee my peace of mind and serenity. I had enough of a history at doing the opposite so the awareness came with the memory and experience that it was true and I surrendered completely and took the pressure off of the world outside of me to satisfy me mentally, emotionally, spiritually and physically. There can be only one Higher Power for me. "...that one is God. May you find him now", is the instruction that live with me 24/7. "I am free now and so is everyone else in my world that I held responsible for my happiness." You are, MIP is, Al-Anon is, AA is, my family, town and island and culture. I am grateful and ready to be of service to my Higher Power's will. Again thank you (Mahalo) for your growth, insight and share. (((((hugs)))))
