dont know if this belongs here i need to rant - Al-Anon Family Group

Slugcat · Veteran Member

dont know if this belongs here i need to rant

Slugcat · Veteran Member

Im really angry. Its like something ha switched in me tonight and i am so worried something bad is going to happen. And i think omg how bad his addiction is, but i usually try to not think about it. I HATE it, I HATE it. I am sick of never saying anything, because we cant hurt his feelings. TOUGH. I see someone killing themselves slowly and it hurts. Yes i need to get to an alanon meeting i tried searching for alanon type meetings for OA but could find none.

as for my husband he hasnt drunk, gotten drunk, only one beer the other night, not drunk.

i really hate addictions. i hate how ive not said anything to this relative about his eating i mean he is in a bad bad way. But i dont say anything because i dont want to offend him. but i have to now i cant keep it in any longer.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Dear Slugcat
I hear your pain and anxiety. You are correct watching someone hurting themselves is very very difficult. That is the reson we attend alanon. In alanon we learn that alcoholism is a disease (this may be so with over eating as well)

We did not cause it, cannot control it and cannot cure it. No amount of talking, arguing .discussing will cause the alcoholic to change.

Alanon askes us to take care of OURSELVES. Focus on ourselves, Live one Day at a Time, Not project into the future, Find a belief in a Higher Power and trust . Attend meetings and give the alcoholic the dignity to live his life how he chooses.

Please try our program We have meetings here 2 xs a day and 24/7 chat. You are welcome

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

It's hard to watch, no question. But the sad truth is that whether you say it or don't say it to him, it won't make any difference to what he decides to do. He obviously has compulsions; he is in the grip of them and he is the only one who can decide to try a different route. Nothing anyone else says is going to make any difference -- you've seen that already.

What we're really trying to do in trying to control them is to relieve our own grief and pain about the situation. Al-Anon helps us realize that while we care for other people, we don't have to wait for them to do something for us to take care of ourselves. We don't have to let our serenity wait for their recovery. It's up to each one of us to take care of ourselves -- their life is up to them, and our life is up to us.

Everyone here has been down that same road of feeling desperate because someone in our lives won't stop their addictive behavior. We're all learning to let them make their own choices and to stop the futile struggle of trying to control them. It's hard.

Slugcat · Veteran Member

hi yes it keeps coming back i need to get to an alanon meeting which i want to do i really do. thank you for posting about what alanon does, it helped to read it.
i need to get to some meetings. I have planned on doing so the last 2 weeks but i hurt my foot bad and can hardly get out and not supposed to walk on it.

i read about interventions, just a small thing about how some people do them to try break down the addicts denial. are they good or bad to do, do you think. I mean it says nothing i could say would change his behaviour but what about interventions? Dont they help sometimes?

-- Edited by Slugcat on Wednesday 17th of March 2010 03:27:01 AM

Gailey · ~*Service Worker*~

Addiction is addiction....period. They are ALL a family disease. I am dealing directly with my A son at the moment but my other son who lives 6000 miles away has issues too. Thankfully, it is not right under my nose and he is a lot more functional as he is a binge drinker.

My dad was the A in my life when I was growing up. All of my siblings have addictions. We have drug addiction, alcohol addiction, food addiction, gambling addiction and we are all codies, including mom. It all comes from the same gene. It just come out in different ways...some worse than others. Mine is food...always has been. I remember as a young child sneaking food and using food to self medicate. It is really no different than the booze my son uses. That is why I have compassion for his disease but that by no means makes it any easier for me to deal with.

Bottom line......we are all powerless over that which we have an addiction to. There is no one that can change us but ourselves and our HP. Let it go. I have to believe that we are all where we are suppose to be in our disease and our HP will help us if we just keep asking.

xeno59 · ~*Service Worker*~

Slug
Speaking as a person with an eating disorder ( anorexia) if you think anything you say or do is going to change this person thats not going to happen.... as said above addiction is addiction. I did not come out of denial ( and this was many years ago) until the birth of my first child. I wanted to live for her so sought out help.
I can tell you the trigger for someone with an eating disorder can be the mere mention of food. For me some one would tell me to eat and boom i wouldn't eat for days with overeating they may do the exact opposite and eat even more.
I know it must be hard to watch... but they are making thier own decisions and you have to resepect that
Blessings to you

Slugcat · Veteran Member

Thanks

i feel so guilty because i cant pay for him to get a stomach staple operation if i had the money i would. I just so sad i dont want to see him get sick and is already sick. Its so sad i hate it. i wish there was something i could do.
those intervention things do they ever work? Has anyone tried them?

i dont want to trigger his eating. but really it stinks, i love him and it hurts. i havent said anything for so long, ages ago when he was gambling he put on a lot of weight and i was so worried i tried to say something but he just got so mad. its like no one is allowed to say anything. i dont know what happened but it just hit me how bad situation it is. but he will say oh everythings fine, and it isnt fine. its really horrible.

i ordered some alanon literature and will try get to a meeting tomorrow lunch i dont know if i will be welcome.

My family they just think he is over indugling but i know he isnt. its horrible. why wont he even try a 12th step program i dont know.

why did i get it and he cant

sorry for going on i just want to cry. i feel lik i am always waiting for the phone call someone telling me hes died. i dont want to know! i am so scared really scared.

If i was drinking i know damn well he would say something, he once did, well if its ok to say something about drinking then its ok to say it about food addiction. i hate this crap. I know its a disease but doesnt he see how upsetting it is to those who love him! What about us, why do we have to be silent about how scary it is to watch someone slowly kill themselves. it sucks big time.
im done worrying im fed up of not saying anything and pretending he has it under control. i cant be so scared and worried any more. i really hate how hes doing this.

-- Edited by Slugcat on Wednesday 17th of March 2010 04:50:42 PM

Slugcat · Veteran Member

thank you for the support.
"I can tell you the trigger for someone with an eating disorder can be the mere mention of food. For me some one would tell me to eat and boom i wouldn't eat for days with overeating they may do the exact opposite and eat even more."

I really dont want to trigger him but i need to say how i feel about things, and stop pretending i beleive in his words when he talks about how well everything is. I mean i feel i cant say anything for risk of upsetting or offending but just not saying anything for those reasons is just horrible and i cant do it anymore. I dont think its good to shut up for these reasons. maybe i will learn to respect his decision and not nag, but i need to say somethin first. I am sick of pretending its all OK.

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

Don't worry about triggering him -- he may have his triggers but he is the one who has to decide to indulge or not indulge. Until he goes into recovery, he will indulge -- if he doesn't find anyone to trigger him, he'll trigger himself. They always find an excuse.

Please don't feel guilty about not being able to pay for the stomach stapling. If you look at the statistics, they are not entirely promising. It works best for people who are extremely motivated and who have a program of recovery as well. A not inconsiderable percentage of people gain back all the weight. And the people who don't often turn to alcohol. I know three people who had the operation: one has gained back more than half the weight; one became a heavy drinker, which got her fired from her job; and the other I've lost track of. I know that's discouraging, but it does keep you out of the "if only" self-blaming. The bottom line is that he has to want to do the emotional work.

You can read a lot about interventions on the web. Generally the person needs to have a program standing by to take them in right afterwards. I don't think they have a high success rate -- but the success rate of recovery from any addiction is not all that high.

Nevertheless you are here and motivated and you can recover. You always have the power to make that kind of decision. Keep coming back.

Kiki52 · Veteran Member

I agree with Mattie both about the stomach stapling (it only works if you live on a restricted diet after and if you were willing to do that you might not need the surgery) and intervention. No matter what you do, the addict has to be willing to change and willing to work hard at a program. My husband detoxed at home. He has stayed sober with no program (only HP knows how) but it has been a struggle. It's been 4 years and I still see him struggle when we are at an event and others are drinking beer. I can tell that he still wants one.

I used to think that I had to say something. In reality, I had to try to control others. Usually it just made them defensive and, in truth, it makes me defensive when someone criticizes me or tries to control me. Acceptance of the things I cannot change has brought be great peace and serenity.

We can't control the actions or wants of others. We can't make them think like us. There are good online meetings here that you can attend even with a injury. Give them a try.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.