The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have had it with AH. He was on a bender for the better part of last week, after we had what I thought was a very deep connection a few days prior. I did well not saying anything to him, I worked hard to let it go(wasn't easy) and on Saturday he mislead me as to what he was doing and I thought he was going to be home at dinner time, which he didn't show, so I gave up on him and just went to bed, he phoned me in the middle of the night to tell me he wasn't coming home and was going to sleep at his friends house. Well I had already gathered that. So all my hard work for the past week went out the window Sunday morning when he got home, I blew my top, I yelled, ranted, raved, I even said he doesn't care about me. Ok, I regressed, and will go back to the drawing board. Last night I gave him my final ultimatumn. I didn't yell, or rant, I stayed calm and I told him if he doesn't get clean and sober and start some sort of recovery program for himself, our marriage will end. I gave him 6 months. If he can't pull it together in that time, either one of us will have to move from our home. This is really hard for me, I really do not want my marriage to end, I love my husband and I hope that he will find recovery, but I can't live like this any more. I explained to him about my own recovery and the 12 steps and how I am learning to let go. I told him I have no control over his drinking. And I won't let it destroy me any longer. He replied the this is just a bunch of BS, why would I need to be in recovery, and why would I have a problem with his drinking and I am not the woman he married. I obviously would have prefered a much brighter reply than that, but have to accept that his feelings and ego were hurt and I also can't control how he reacts. So here I am, I have given my final ultimatumn and I am raw, but getting there.
Your comment about how he thinks you needing to be in recovery is a bunch of BS is a lot of the same nonsense my exAH/bf used to give me. He didn't agree with the fact that I was using the tools of Alanon to deal with the issues he presented. I realized that the reason he lashed out at my program was b/c he saw that it was helping me to get strong and I wasn't his door mat any more. He didn't like that one bit.
Amazing how all of life's struggles just make us stronger in the end. And you are stronger. That strength will guide you through all of your decision making and help you live better.
I agree they dont like it when we change and they attack us, to change the subject and get the drama rolling again. Use this next six months to continue working on ur program, focusing on you and gaining loving emotional detachment from his feelings, issues, whims & snide remarks. No one wants their relationship to end, I know how hard what ur doing is. Stick to your boundary, the six months will fly by and before u know it it will be summer.
The slip u had on sunday, is normal, we all slip. The slip lets us re-asses what is important to us and re-evaluate what we want to do. Basically, they make us stronger and teach us soemthing. Be extra kind, loving and gentle with YOU.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
i am in the same boat, sailing along with you maplemom. you are not alone. congratulate yourself on sticking with your programme in the face of such heavy emotional blackmail. it is difficult. when you can see your loved one deteriorating infront of your eyes you feel rejected, helpless, annoyed, angry, sad, grief even for the life you thought you were going to have. i have learnt that you have to accept that this is as good as it gets for the A in your life. it is their illness, their demon, their problem. it doesnt have to be yours. in my experience an ultimatum didnt work - hence i am living on my own now! being on my own has helped me focus, detatch from AH, and regain control over my own life. AH still thinks he can bully and control me - to no avail. the more rejected he gets the more he drinks and smokes his cannabis. i shall post shortly about todays episode which really was the final straw for me, the one that broke the camel's back as it were. the episode that showed me just how low, and mean, and out of control he really is. stick with your programme and you will be better than ok - you will learn how to live a fulfilling life with or without your A. hugs and best wishes gilly
I'm listening to a speaker tape right now. She was in Alanon over 50 years. So many similarities to your post. And she recommends (almost insists) Alanoners study the first 160 pages of the big book of AA.
Your A may never get help. Or he might totally change and get into AA. What I experienced is that if and when they click in AA and fall in love with it, they don't need us at all.
So this is all for you. A great opportunity for you to heal.
In my opinion if we don't take the opportunity to heal when we have an active alcoholic in our lives, then the Universe will send us another alcoholic so we can do the work that needs to be done - on ourselves.
Thank you for your replies, they mean so much to me. QOD, your right lifes struggles do make us stronger, I have always been a firm believer in that, I have just never applied to this aspect of my life before. Kitty, I will take some time to re-evaulate, and take some time for me, and thank-you for pointing out that this is normal. MissLucy, I am so sorry for what you are going through, I read your other post too. It is such a struggle and so hard to let go when they are behaving like this. Like you said, it is there demon, their problem. roygbiv, your post grounded me, thank you. I have to stop investing so much time worrying about what he is going to do and just take care of me and my children. If he joins us in recovery then that will be great, if not, we will be ok.
One thing I did learn, being married to the A for 26 years, that all the ranting and raving and ultimatums do not work, unless you are serious about them. You cant give an ultimatum to an alcoholic unless you are going to follow thru.
You will lose all credibility if you dont follow thru or mean what you say. I didnt want to end my marriage either, at all cost, but I finally did. I realized there was some dilusional thinking on my part, facing the realities of living with an addict that doesnt want to recover. Its a tough one to face.
I wish you all the best, I wish you hope and courage and miracles.
