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So today, AH had huge melt down resulting in relapsing after 4 days of sobriety. He got two guns and brought them to bed with him., I called 911. I managed to remove the guns from his possession and locked all weapons in my car. The sheriff's officer spoke with him and he admitted to wanting to hurt himself and yes, he would go to the crisis center. I looked at this as a postive step, that maybe he would finally be able to talk to someone about his problems. I was able to drive him there and he was willing to go. We registered and shortly were taken back by the counsler. She started speaking to AH, and trying to touch on the subject when she interrupted by telling us that she was expecting an important call that was going to interrupt our session. And that we only had 1/2 hour anyway because they close at 8. I was astounded. Then as she pursued questioning AH, sure as shooting, the phone rang. A not to private call took place regarding another patient. So much for confidentality. By that point, AH had enough, told her how disrespectful she was and she decided that she would not only tell him to leave but also threaten him with calling the police because he was "being aggressive". I am totally broken at this point. She most likely wrecked any chance of me ever getting this man into any kind of therapy as he was convinced going there that no one really cared to listen to him and his problems. So while he promises me he will not harm himself tonight, I will try my darndest to get some type of rest. He is so sick and now I feel abandonded by the people that are suppose to be there to help us. I feel so let down as I have been urging him to talk to someone and he just kept telling me no one cares. In this case, I think he was right.
I feel for you. Basically the same thing happened over nd over to my A son. He has been Baker acted 7 times. Because he doesnt have ins. they keep him for 3 to 5 days give him drugs and send him on his way. I am wishing that this time they will really do something for him, He wants to get better but is lost in a system. Again, I always pray that this time will be the winner. Your husband like my son want the help.... There acts I believe are ones of desperation. Let the cycle end! I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Be safe. Hugs
I'm sorry that you and your AH are at this point. I too have been frustrated when it appeared that my AH was close to help, but didn't actually get it. Either because something didn't line up at the agency or he backed out at the last minute. I recall a time where he called a helpline, and they got us to go to the hospital crisis unit, but the psychiatrist couldn't get there for several hours. More than enough of a reason for my AH to rethink how bad he felt and withdraw from care again.
For me, I was devastated. I was still owning more of his recovery than my own at that time and I wanted help for the man I love.
I'm not sure why his HP didn't connect him to help when he reached out at that time. Perhaps his HP knew something of his readiness to accept help-I'll never know. I did let my AH know that there was other help available and he deserved to be helped because he is a good man with a bad illness (AA can arrange a 12th step call to have someone come visit and explain the program to him). He refused.
I hope you can get to meetings, and gain support for yourself as this must be very traumatic for you as well.
Aloha Catnip...This disease can sure make many people fall all over themselves at any given moment. I've sat with my alcoholic when she was waiting for care with frustration and anxiety myself. Of course frustration and anxiety was a natural part of our lives when the disease was running strong. I've been impatient and angry and rageful when I was feeling held up and assaulted by the disease too...my life was leaking thru the cracks and I was dying and still standing up as it took every inch of our lives it could get. I've taken the rush intakes and assessments as a substance abuse counselor who often times was aware that the alcoholic and addict thought they had a new victim to deal with the me Me ME!! attitude. I've had the experience of turning up my Al-Anon Family Group meetings and other events so that I could counsel and have my own less bruised life at the same time. Of course as a recovering person myself (double) I knew how to and still know how to apply pressure so that others feel the importance of who I am and what I want as quickly as I want it...LOL boy am I glad for this spiritually based step program. Now I can bring myself under control without outside help. The area gets less crowded!! Just last Friday it was 5 police cars, two ambulances and 1 firetruck and although it was familiar this time it wasn't about me...as much.
This disease can and will stand up in a crowed room and roar for attention. It will create a crisis inside or outside of a Crisis Center. I suggest you find the face to face meeting rooms of the Al-Anon Family Groups for yourself and call as soon as you can. Ask for directions to where and when the next meeting is and go early.
Others will have more suggestions. Take what you like and leave the rest for later.
Sorry that this unfortunate situation happened, but please don't fall into the same trap your A is doing, of blaming the world for his addiction... if he wants to find help and/or find sobriety, he will find it.... with or without the help of a so-so crisis center counselor. I have heard stories of addicts/alcoholics who slept on the front steps of treatment centers, just to be sure to get admitted in the morning....
It works if you work it....
Take care Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Thanks for the replies and encouragment. FWIW, I am in no way am projecting blame on the CC for AH's actions and choices. If nothing else, I am embarassed as a health care professional for this person's lack of professionalism. In an effort to get a proper medical eval for a patient at risk, this person singlehandedly devalued AH, plain and simple. In his eyes, it was confirmed that no one cares, other than me. I can detach, I can pray, I can work the program and try to follow the steps to the best of my ability but it does not negate the fact that AH is a human being with a problem and deserved so much more than what he received last night. Yes, I am angry. I have every right. I am angry for AH, who was treated poorly when he finally wanted to speak. I am angry for myself for what I was left to deal with last night post consult. I am angry for all the other patients, past and future that may be treated like AH was and just may not have a support system that will help them get thru the night.
Sorry for the rant......... Deep cleansing breaths now.....
"She most likely wrecked any chance of me ever getting this man into any kind of therapy as he was convinced going there that no one really cared to listen to him and his problems." -Acatnip
Ok, I am just looking at this sentence and am stuck. ' "...any chance of me getting this man into any kind of therapy..." ' he has to want to do it for himself. You cant go through the process for him. I too have struggled with enalbing in this way - it cant be more important to you - it has to becom what ur AH wants. There are people that care and are willing to listen - they are in AA and NA. No one is going to coddle him, stroke him, tell him he has done no wrong - but people absolutely do care. He has to be willing to open his mind to that fact and actualy check out some meetings for himself and listen and learn.
Obviously you care - so saying no one is there - would make me personally mad at him (if I were in ur shoes) and feeling a lil invisible. You have to allow him the dignity to work on this issue himself. I am with ya that doctors and health care professionals appear to not care a good bulk of the time. But there are those that care and there are those that are good at their jobs.
He may be telling himself that no one cares, to talk himself into using again. It is an excuse. Here we say, do what work, use what works - go where u can get the best help/care. Not all meetings are the same. Maybe he could check some out and see if he can find anyone to relate to - it wont happen over night/immediately. Anything worth having in life ~ takes a little work, effort, research and determination.
There is a miracle to be had in our programs, I know bc Ive received it. You cannot baby sit or police his program, u need to be in alanon and he needs to be in AA/NA and u both need to learn to keep them seperate and focus on YOU not each other. It can be done and happiness can be had. The only person you can change - is YOU. Same with ur AH, he has to change himself - no one can rescue him but him.
If he wants help, nothing will stop him just like if he wants to use, he will find a way to that too.
Take care of YOU and hope u keep coming back and working it.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Thanks, Kitty for the reality check. You are correct. You reminded me of what I have been telling him. It is a fine line between empathizing and sympathizing. I guess I need to walk the talk.
In other news- AH just called me and thanked me for doing what I did last night. He also said that as rough as it was, he is glad it happened. He admitted that it made him recognize he needs help and is willing to go to AA and to his family Dr for help. He admits to being embarassed to what my family thinks of him (he is pretty much estranged from his, probably from his drinking, no doubt) and also says he realizes it is unfair that I carry this burden.
I prayed and prayed last night for this to be his rock bottom, maybe it is and maybe it isn't. But I will take it and rejoice for one moment of clarity.
acatnip Understand your anger totally. My son attempted suicide months ago by ODing. We called 911 of course he admitted to us and THE POLICE he was trying to kill himself So off to the emergency room he went the police spelled it all out in thier report i have to admit they did thier part. Then i get a call from hosp hours later telling me son was ready for realease... Huh? I asked if the crisis team had been called they informed me no again Huh? I insisted they call the crisis team... the kid tried to kill himself for gods sake It took hours for the team to get there and they read the police report, called me and i gave them his background and details then they went to interview him Hour later they called back said son had recanted all his statements of being sucicidal so nothing they could do. Well of course he did.... by the time they got there he had sobered up enough to deny there was a critical problem and they had to take his word for it. I was angry for so long about that... then had to accept that son denied everything cause he just wasn't ready for treatment. Hard pill to swallow I feel for you and sending prayers your way
"he just kept telling me no one cares. In this case, I think he was right"
There's real alcoholic thinking in his statement, isn't there? As if his only reason to go into recovery would be because other people care. He needs to get sober for him, not because other people care or don't care. Or is the thinking that "Since no one cares for me, the world is a rotten place, and the only way I can cope with it is to drink"? Because that's crazy logic too. If he looks around for evidence that no one cares about him, he'll always be able to find some, because we can always read other people's behavior as personal if we try hard enough. But it's not that no one cares, it's that one woman was unfortunately too busy at one appointment to be very attentive. And he used that as an excuse to back out of making progress at that moment. If she had been offering him ten million dollars in cash if he set foot through the door of rehab, don't you think the phone call and her hurried attitude wouldn't have stopped him for a moment? He would have ignored them to get at that ten million dollars. If he had wanted recovery that much, he would have ignored them too.
But I know that when the A is on a knife-edge of maybe choosing recovery, it's infuriating when something gets in the way of the healthy choice. The good thing is that (as seems to have happened) he has another chance every day.
In my ESH, if an alcoholic decides he is not going to get treatment because nobody cares or because a treatment center was unprofessional or for any other reason, the reality is that he's not going to get treatment because he's not ready. If an alcoholic truly wants to get sober, he will do that regardless of external inconvenient circumstances. Until then, every reason the alcoholic throws out there about why he can't get sober is just justification for not changing and an excuse to keep drinking. Also in my ESH, because various alcoholics in my life have used this line, saying that nobody cares is a black and white statement designed to make other people feel sorry for the alcoholic and take the focus off the real problem. It's a diversion.
It was a sign of my own sickness that something would "happen to" my AH and I would feel let down and betrayed on his behalf. I felt whatever emotion it was way more than he did - if he was mildly angry, I was irate. If he was a little disappointed, I was absolutely devastated. If he was cheerful, I was ecstatic. In my recovery, I have had to let him feel and handle his own emotions and start to feel my own.
I pray that you will find peace for yourself in the program. You deserve it.
Maybe my prayers have been answered. AH did call his primary MD yesterday for an appt, they are to try to squeeze him in as a walk in today. He also had asked me to get him a meeting schedule for AA and one of the first things he asked when he got home last night was if I had it. He was very interested in the info, read it and asked a few questions. I so prayed that the other night would be rock bottom for him and that he would seek help. I continue to pray this is so. I have let go of my anger towards the CC. While I realize that I was terribly frustrated, my career in nursing has always been based on being the patient advocate. My husband being an alcoholic does not negate the fact that the therapist acted unprofessional. I truly am scared for the patients that seek help with her and have no support system. I think as family members of an alcoholic, yes, we must admit to our loved ones short comings, but we must also be aware of their rights and proper treatment with dignity. This battle is hard enough without suffering at the hands of inept or compassionless professionals. We would not do it if the disease was cancer.
On to a brighter day with good thoughts and prayers.
