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I came to the realization that after 10 years of my husband trying to recover from alcoholism and I am truly powerless. Sorry, but I always thought I could change things. After reading posts of we didn't cause, we can't control and we can't cure, I finally get it. The good news is that my husband is in meetings and serious about quitting and always disappointed when he makes a bad decision. It happens every 3 to 5 months for a 10 yr. period. We have been married for 25+ years. I honor my marriage. He is a great guy whom I love very much. The problem is that, like many wives, I don't want to leave my home, my finances that we've worked so hard for, our friends and our social life. I fall to pieces and withdraw when he drinks. My friend told me that in some way, I have expected perfection and perhaps I need to expect relapses and then won't be so shocked and emotionally distraught when it happens. I just become paralyzed when I come home to find him drunk. It disgusts me and it isn't the man I love. It takes me about a week or two to recover emotionally. I have been reading how to detach and my books, One Day at a Time and the Courage to Change. I know that I NEED to change. I need some encouragement as to what to do when I find him drunk and how to move forward. Have others decided to stay in their marriage?
First of all welcome to MIP. Here you will find others who have been in your situation before and some who are in it right now. Detachment is a good tool. It is difficult to do but good in a situation that you find makes you distraught. I used to do the same thing when I would find my husband drunk. Or if he had been out and came home drunk. Now I just expect that he is going to do that and if he doesn't then all the better but when he does I am not quite as upset as I used to be. If you accept that you can't change him then you are headed in the right direction. Canadianguy has an offer of a great book called, Getting Them Sober. It really helped me when I thought I was at the end of road with my AH. It's a free offer just private message him with your info and he'll send you the book. I found it helpful maybe you will too. I hope I have helped you in some way. For now just take it one day at a time. Also take care of yourself by doing something just for you once a day, at least. It's important to take care of yourself.
Hi, I'm new here but not to Al Anon. I've been working the program for a few years now and want to say I'm glad you're here.
I found the lots and lots of meetings helped me the most when I was getting started the things were rough. They still save me when I'm getting upset or overwhelmed. Whether it's online or f2f meetings, they keep me on track.
I wanted to stay in my marriage with my alcoholic and then thru much program and working with my sponsor and others came to realize that I married into the situation and it was bad and getting worse when I did that. Alcoholism is a progressive disease, "always worse...never better." My thinking that I was reason enough for her to change how she was living her life before we met even was lunacy, stuff for Disneyland or the Haunted House at Halloween. It didn't and wouldn't ever make sense and I was very very deep in denial which I brought from my orgins within the disease myself. How would I have needed to change to continue to live with my alcoholic wife? beyond the 5 separations in 3 years? beyond trying to put a lock on the bank accounts (can't do that with a joint account and an alcoholic can get to the money faster than superman), attempting to provide for and protect the step- children when their mother went lost and missing? then include the police and the hospitals and the therapies and all the other stuff that came our way? I imagine that "one day at a time", very, very "detached", chained to my HP's waist along with my sponsors might have helped. It took everything I had and knew and then learned to last as far as we did. Alcoholism is a fatal disease and just before I cried "Uncle, I've had enough" it was close to killing me and she was still out drinking. There are lots of dead victims who have never drank or drank with the alcoholic. Today I am not one of those thanks to the program.
One day at a time securely attached into the Al-Anon Program working all of the suggestions with an attitude of Easy Does It seems like a proper response for me. I'll be reading the other responses that come next.
I just wanted to add one thing. You said, "I don't want to leave my home, my finances that we've worked so hard for, our friends and our social life." Certainly you can work on your recovery and serenity with your husband or separated from him -- you don't need to do one thing or the other to start recovery. But don't sell yourself short: if you did decide to separate from your husband, the others parts of your life don't have to come apart too. Your home, your friends, your social life, and even your finances might well be just fine if you moved ahead on your own. It would be freeing to stay with your husband because that was a good choice for your emotions and your connection, rather than staying tied to him for external reasons. I hope I'm making sense here!
I Can so relate to your post my ABF has been in rcovery for nearly a year and is very committed to attending AA meetings. However this disease has grabed him twice during this year for a brief moment. He is so dissapointed when he has a slip. He gets very down with himself and life, and the guilt is overwhelming. Like you I am fine and can really focus on my recovery when he is doing good on his But I learnt something valuable frm his last slip. I handled it really well a first went straight to a meeting to get some al ann medicine which helps me to undertand its not personal he is really ill andwill be devisated in the morning. Once my attitude changes my serentity comes back you see when the disease re-attacks him I have to be aware it is also attacking me. I can not help hi only me.
I had a talk to my sponsor she said your patner is a alocoholic. He will always be a alocoholic even if sober. A slip is only a drink away if you chosse to stay you have to understand this. I struggled with this wanted the promise he woul never drink again. I did not want t be o.k then have everything go wrong again. But an alcoholic can not promise they will never drink again. I struggled and stuggled with this. I decided because he was attendeding A and because he was trying so hard I would stay. So therefore I have to have tools to help me cope if a slip happens. I can not promise I will stay forever. All I know is my partner is in AA fighting this disease and I am in al aon fightng my own fixing controling. For today my partner i sober, and most days doing better than I am. I love him and want to try. No one can tell you what is right for you. I feel for you because this disease crushes all involved. Today I try and concentrate on the psoitves how far we hae come. when My prtner slipped it was for a day. he has drank twice in twelve months. He used to drink slip thre times a week, go missig for days weeks. we are moving in th right direction. hope this helps take what you like and leave therest.
Jerry thank you so much for sharing your heart. I really could relate to your experience with the A, only mine was a husband. It took 26 years. My husband didnt spend our money so that was a benefit. He was a waiter in a hotel and could drink whenever he wanted. At our 20th year he suffered a heart attack and I thought this must be his bottom , surely after a heart attack, well, I was soon to find out why the heart attack, which led to my minor stroke. I nursed him back to health after his heart attack, only to find out, which was almost a year, he was having an affair off and on for 10 years and he had fathered twins with this woman. Of course we separated, yet he wanted nothing to do with her or the children and before he finally did leave, I found a full bag of viagra in his truck, he was found one night passed out on a busy hiway and the police beat him up before taken to Emergency, he also almost died in his sleep by vomiting, had to call paramedics at least once a week for whatever drama that was happening, he has been in every ER room in this valley. Finally, he got a DUI, was arrested and that cost over $30,000. and he still continued to drink and I got a mild stroke. Do you think my HP was trying to speak to me. Finally I got it before I would have died. Yes your right, the disease progresses if not arrested, but that doesnt mean we have to be taken with it. In my opinion living with an A is the most difficult thing any one person can do. There eventually has to be a solution, some A's sober up, some don't, some go back and forth with it. While I try to live with no regrets, I know that my experience with the A is to help others who are on the same path. One of the most significant idea we have to embrace is, we have choices. Al-anon is one of the best programs that will help in dealing with this most epidemic , devastating disease. Also, pray, a lot. With much appreciation, Bettina
I've learned so much from reading everyone's stories on this site. This post spoke directly to me, as I am also contemplating the future of my marriage. I know this post is couple months+ old but I hoped to talk about it again, with some new questions.
I've been married to my AH for 21+ years and he's been a heavy drinker for 10+. He went into inpatient treatment 18 mo ago and relasped around T'giving 2010. Made a commitment to get backto his program after Christmas and so far so good. We started marriage counseling last week - as we both have murmured the idea of a seperation.
Drinking has obviously been one of challenges but intimacy has been mine for some time: 12+ years. Not a "driven" woman in that respect and we've had challenges: infertility treatments, miscarriage, and drinking. We also had to close his business of 3 years after his treatment and are now closing on our personal bankruptcy.
The counselor was very good and said we can sort of start over ... date nights, define my romance, etc. I love him - he's been my partner for almost 25 yrs but I TRULY hung up on this part: I need to change to keep my marriage? Intimacy is only a couple times a month (1-2x) but I don't miss it, wish for it, want it - yes, I own this. I know it's very hard on him but it's very hard on me to be there just for him.
Spoke to a friend today and her words continue to resonate with me. She was not baffled by my lack of interest; she felt that security, protection, strength made men most attractive and how could I possible feel that way towards him right now? I worry about money, we've emptied retirement accounts, spent money earned on good investments, etc. and now he's changing careers and back to school - won't have his BS until 2013.
He made a comment that he could stop drinking but nothing else will change. I told him it takes time for me to get my feet on the ground after a relapse, or treatment, or previous constant heavy drinking.
I'm troubled with where my pity party stops and starts and what is realistic for him or anyone to expect of me? AM I not seeing the enitre picture? In Alanon we talked about Step 1 today (been going for 18 months - saved me time and time again) and after our marriage counseling I feel like I'm right back at step 1.
Coments or guidance would be SOOOO appreciated! Thank You ....
