The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'll try to make this as short as possible! My mother is a severe alcoholic, the problem is that she hides it pretty well. Her husband works out of town and is very rarely ever home (he also drinks A LOT). She only really has one friend who also drinks a lot, and who she very rarely sees, so no one really sees how much she drinks...except for me.
In a social setting my mom is capable of having a few beers and seeming totally normal, but she hides giant bottles of vodka in her bedroom. I've seen her, more than a few times, chug vodka straight from these bottles. A few years ago I went to her husband because I was concerned with how much my mom was drinking and he got very angry with me, saying that she was just stressed and that she doesn't drink any more than any normal person does.
Basically, my mother chugs straight vodka on a daily basis. I'm not sure what sizes vodka bottles come in (I don't drink at all), but it seems like the bottles she buys are at least one litre, and she can finish one in a day and a half.
For a very long time I've said nothing because no one around her seems to even care that she has a problem, including herself. I think it's because they also have drinking problems that they don't want to face. But something has changed........
Now my moms eyes are yellow, very yellow. Her skin seems to be yellowing, and she is definitely swollen pretty much all over. I've brought this up with her, and she said that it's because she has poor vision, but I know that it has nothing to do with that. I'm afraid that my mother is killing herself. She has told me that she will see a doctor, but she has said that before and has done nothing. I've brought this up with her three times in a very loving way, telling her I love her and want her to be healthy, but she gets very angry with me and refuses to talk about it.
So I guess I'm looking for advice. What do I do? I've asked my mom to see a doctor. I can't bring this up with her friend or her husband because they just get angry with me. On one hand I feel like, as a grown woman, it is my mothers responsibility to take care of herself and that my telling her I'm concerned is enough. On the other hand I feel like I need to do more, but there's no one I can turn to for help.
Is telling her that I'm concerned and asking her to see a doctor enough? Or should I do more?
First, I'm very glad you found this board. You are in the right place. I can understand your concern for your mother's health. If she has yellowing eyes and skin , as well as swelling, these could be signs that her liver is having trouble digesting the alcohol - I'm not a doctor though I have read such signs when I read about the effects of acohol. It may not be long before her need for medical attention cannot be ignored - even by your mother.
Many will reply that we do not give advice - we can only share our own experience, strength and hope with you as a support for your own recovery from the effects of alcoholism on your life.
In my own situation, when I realized that my husband was drinking a lot more than I had realized, hiding bottles, sneaking drinks throughout the day, eventually being hospitalized for pancreatitis. I became very panicked. How can I stop someone I love from slowly killing themselves? I was desparate. I tried many things - confronting, confronting with love, searching out and throwing out the alcohol, blackmailing, cajoling, begging. The works. Nothing really worked because it was all me. I learned in al-anon, as much as we love the person who is drinking, they need to arrive at their own decision to stop, for themselves, or it will not stick. There's nothing you can do to make this happen. Although many of us can get out of the way of the alcoholic's consequences. Many of us enable our alcoholic to avoid the consequences.
A saving grace for me in alanon was knowledge of the 3 C's. I didn't cause, I can't control it and I can't cure it. Powerful knowledge that took a long time for me to accept it. The other saving grace was attending face to face meetings. I felt so alone and very ashamed of this disease. Yet in the meetings, I was surrounded by others who at one time, felt just as desperate to save the alcholic as I did. Yet, many had also found a path to peace and personal serenity, whether their alcoholic was still drinking or not.
I hope you keep coming back here, and get some help for yourself as you seek to not be sucked into the depths of the disease with your mother. She will find help or she will not, but you don't need to create your path based on that.
Thank you so much for your post. It makes me feel a lot better. Both of my parents have been alcoholics my whole life and I've always struggled with feeling like it's my responsibility to get them to stop. I really feel like this website is going to help me a lot. I already feel better after reading your post! I think I will look for some meetings in my city.
I am glad you are here! Can you get to some face to face meetings in your area? They will help soo much! We understand what you are going through. And like Rocky said we do not give advice. We just share what we have learned. You take what you like and leave the rest. What works for one person will not work for another.
I am sorry you are dealiing with all this. I'm sure it's tough on you. There is nothing we can do to stop them from drinking. I've tried telling them many many times and they usually just get angry and don't listen. They don't see their drinking as a problem. If they did they would seek help.
We also have a chatroom on here. If you go to the yellow box at the top there is a link. There are meetings here (one going on for the next half hour!). Other than that it's open 24 hours for open chat. There isn't always someone in there but if you need to talk just wait shortly most likely someone will come in.
Keep coming back!!
Melissa
__________________
"Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip." Will Rogers
I can't even tell you how glad I am that I found this website! I'm reading so many stories that I can relate to. I'm definitely going to look for some face to face meetings in my area.
Like the others have posted, I'm going to urge you to find Al Anon meetings and start attending. There you will be given the tools to handle your mother's alcoholism.
Like you, my parents are alcoholics. Soooo, you'd think I'd know better, but I also made quite a habit of choosing partners who were alcoholics (although recovering) as well as other unhealthy relationships. Eventually I had to face the fact that my own thinking was a bit skewed, and Al Anon is showing me how to work on that.
I watched my own mother's liver fail last fall. First, the high swollen belly (ascites), then the wasting away and awful grey pallor to her skin. They had been lying to me about her having quit drinking for a few years by that time, as she'd been hospitalized with seizures previously.
Anyway, I saw her on her birthday and knew she didn't have long to live. About two weeks later, she went into hospital with internal bleeding (varices) and never left -- she died three weeks after that.
I accept that there is nothing I could have done. She was lying about her drinking to me, and to her doctor. She also lied to her doctor about her symptoms, because she was so desperately clinging to her drinking. This was a woman who was vomiting blood for two days and didn't seek medical attention, hoping it would go away by itself.
It's a powerful disease.
__________________
Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could... Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense. - Emerson
If only all those things we try worked. I have yelled, cried, begged, negotiated anything i could think of to get my A sober. But as youhave found out like the rest of us the hard way this disease is way more powerful than any of us. Until the A comes out of denial or hits bottom we can only help ourselves Sometimes we get so immeshed in what the A is doing we become sicker than the A. We become addicted to the A Please get to some meetings and learn how you can heal yourself as hard as that may seem right now. Welcome to the family... you are no longer alone
Aloha Nicomanti, I am also glad you have found this site and have already started your journey. You have already gotten some great feedback and suggestions and none of it will save your mom. It will however save your peace of mind and serenity as you followup with it. From my past professional experiences your Mom needs an emergency intake and you can call for it. It will cause a ruckus with everyone around you and the alcoholic and then the professional assessment will let everyone know including your Mom so there will be no lies or secrets available anymore to fuel the denial that keeps this rolling and always keeps addiction going. You probably have only one shot at it and then that's the best you can do. After that one it will probably resort to the Al-Anon "3cs (CCC)" "You didn't cause this. You can't control it. You can't cure it." That one helped me to then let go of all attempts to do what the alcoholic didn't want to do for herself. My alcoholic was my exspouse and I loved her dearly however alcoholism disregards and disrespects the love of others...it won't count except that you know you can.
Your Mom must arrive at knowing that she has a life threatening disease and want to do anything within her power to arrest it. She has to want it more for herself than you want it for her. If it is like you say it is now it doesn't sound like she's there.
You could get her to the emergency because her vision is causing some very severe physical problems and then she can discover the facts. That might be something I'd try to do, however after that?...It's all Higher Power...her's, your's, mine, MIP's everybodies.
Keep coming back. We can support you because you want and ask for it.
I have a younger sister who has been an alcoholic for decades. In the recent photos of her she is indeed a yellow color and frankly looks awful but not as awful as she did at one time. I've spent a lot of my life worrying, feeling responsible for and being angry at my sister. I am no longer in that place.
Al anon can help you immensely with knowing when to act and when to let go of the issues you are facing. There is no question that you don't need to know just how much your mother is drinking, a lot is enough. Counting the bottles isn't a good idea.
In al anon we adopt the slogan we didn't cause it, we can't cure it and we can't control it.
There is a lot of literature out there specifically in a book that is mentioned at the top of the page, Getting them Sober about interventions and health crises. You need not be alone in this area.
I have lived around alcoholics all my life and it is only now I no longer feel alone, abandoned and angry.
I can relate to your pain Nicomanti! I live with a similar situation. It amazes me how well my alcoholic mom can function & hide her illness from others. It seems to me that all I can do is go to meetings and read the powerful posts here in order to take care of me. I am still learning just how powerless I am over the disease.
