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Wow I have sat here for a half an hour looking at the computer screen knowing I want to post but what do I want to say.
Daughter took my car on Thursday she has a suspended license for DUI. I called her and she let the call go to voice mail...I left message and she called back..Told her to bring car back and she said ok...sat here for an hour she was 5 - 10 min away- called her again and left message get that car here in 5 min or I am going to call the police. I then got up and looked in the driveway and car was there. She had dropped it off..I went to bed. My phone rang and I let it go to vm, There was a message and it was hateful. She was drunk screaming I didn't listen to the whole thing it is hard not to take it personal.
This had happened a few months ago, the screaming I have told both my kids it is verbal abuse, but the last time I said..you speak to me like that again and you have to go. So Friday after work, she had to pack it up. I tried to talk to her, instead I spoke to a brick wall (I think I have tried that before), so I went to bed and she got her things together and left.
Now, I guess I could have handled it better, but I think I did ok. Guess I want to say..Why do I feel like a jerk? Why am I worried about what the heck she is saying in town? I feel bad but right now I don't have any answers so I am going to try and leave the questiongs here for now, take a shower and see if I can beg a ride to gf's house. Think I will read my post from yesterday for something to think about in the shower.
You set a boundary and follwed through on it. It is not always pleasant or easy. Maybe u feel like a jerk, simply bc this is new behavior. I know I had a lot of "false guilt" for doing things for me. That guilt makes u want to go running back and say, its ok, use me. But that is not healthy and will keep us in the disease. Rising above it, sticking to the boundaries, focsuing on YOU is not easy but necessary.
You have to take care of YOU and that is what ur doing. Detach from her bc she will have to face her feeelings and issues in her own head, u cant do that for her. I am glad u posted. What can u do today to allow yourself to feel better? That is the magic question for me, when I get an answer, I do it, focus on me, distract myself and then I allow me to feel better. Changing is difficult. Way to work it!
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
FishinMama, I cant add much, Kitty said it all very well. I just want you to know you did the right thing and I know how hard it can be to do what you have to do. Im glad you posted and I hope you always remember your not alone. ~Hugs~
Fishing I read your post and the responses and am reminded that it was the women of early Al-Anon that raised me into recovery and gave me my butt back. I learned that the negative feelings of guilt and loss and failure were natural to those who tried to act more responsibly than the alcoholic and addict. I didn't shoulder as anger so I had less emotional defense against the bad feelings you have expressed. When I learned like you are learning that I could choose my feelings at will and that they were not defaults I then was able to feel more peaceful, settled and in balance with my choices of feelings, thoughts and behaviors.
What you did is what I also did and what you are learning is what was taught me too. Be okay with your responses to your alcoholic and give yourself as much love as you feel for her. It's progress not perfection. Thanks for the share. (((((hugs)))))
In my experience the reason I have felt like a "jerk" in same situation...... is because I am a "MOM". We are nurturing and caring.....and that is our natural response.
Not sure of all the circumstances, but I would make sure you have the only set of keys for your car.
I had one daughter who had wrecked 2 cars we had bought her.... one day I had been to the store and when I went to look for my keys, they were gone. I was sure she had taken them but she denied it. Luckily my husband had the other set. My daughter denied it for 2 months!!!! Our small town has an annual "fun day" with a street dance that night. I had told her she could not go until my keys showed up and an explanation. She is sooooo stubborn!!!! The night of the dance she had a friend coming over to "get ready for the dance". I remained strong and told her and the girl that she was not going to the dance. Surprise!!! She "found" my keys .... in the yard she said. The other girl confirmed that she saw her pick them up. Now I had searched the yard many times myself, so I told her, "If you saw her pick them up, then it's because she put them there." I remained firm in my boundary and refused to let her go to the dance without an explanation. Finally she told me that she had taken them because she thought if she didn't have a car to drive then I couldn't either!!!! lol I told her, well, I hadn't been the one who recklessly wrecked 2 cars I had been given either!!!! Mind you, she was 16 at that time. Thankfully we did make it through those teen years and she is now 21. Still just as stubborn as ever. But she finally knew mom would stick to boundaries.
Being a parent is the hardest job there is ... being a parent to an addicted child, whether alcohol and/or drugs is even harder! I know, I have 3 of them!
Nurture yourself in the most loving, caring manner you know and know that you do have a HP who is aware.
I have lived with this for a long long time. When I used to tell the ex A that there was a boundary he ran right over it. If I said I did not want one of his friends over sure enough he was over when I got home. I set boundaries around that by locking the door to the house so he had to see his friend in the yard. Nevertheless I fumed.
I do know for me "letting go" is tremendously hard. I feel so over responsible that if I "let go" things will be a catstrophe. Guess what under my iron control the ex A crashed and destroyed many many cars, ran up hundreds of dollars in bills, got us evicted and much more. I had to "let go" of my way and seek help into living in another way.
You have a right to set limits on the use of your car and people calling you with horrible messages. For months I shut off my phone in order to stop the ex A from calling. There was a price for that, one of my employers got mad about it because they couldn't get through to me. There is a price to alcoholism no matter what we do. If we take care of their every need there is a price and if we set limits there is a price. There is no miracle cure to make it all better.
The miracle we have in this program is that we learn to live in a different way regardless of what the alcoholic does. We put ourselves into the equation and in some cases that can be a model for the alcoholic that there is another way to live. We ask for help from others rather than try to shoulder the entire burden, we put value on our lives too.
It always suprises me that we feel like idiots when we take care of our own needs . * hugs* You did the right thing , if your daughter had an accident your insurance would be invalid , sober or not she wasn't supposed to be driving and it is your car ..if she hurt someone u would be responsible for thier injuries , no insurance , bye bye house and personal assets . trust me u did the right thing .
Thanks for your support...You all echo what my sponsor said too. I took the day off went to my gf's and we had a great dinner and then came home and read your replys. I had not trouble sleeping and felt good with myself.
I guess it is true walking down a little different road can feel uncomfortable, hopefully with a little practice it will feel like my same old walking shoes before long. Just maybe when I tell the kids this is my boundry they will know that is that.
I feel good in my program today and this little exercise helped as I think son could be out of jail this week. I have drawn up a contract for him to sign, and know that I will need to stick to that and he will need to respect it. I am going to court tomorrow and will know what they expect of him too.
I hate to admit it but almost hope he blows it. I am tired of raising kids. I want to be done and at their ages I was married and had kids. They are old enough to be pushed out of the nest and I want to go fishing.
I am going fishing end of the month. Look out Pacific Ocean! It has been over a year and I can't wait.
But she finally knew mom would stick to boundaries.