The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So, 7 months ago I left my alcoholic husband. Technically, he threw me and the kids out in one of his nastier tirades when I told him I was leaving. He had been emotionally and verbally abusive for years, preaching how his drunkeness was always my fault, if only i was more this, or less that, or better this, or such and such that, his life would be perfect and he would not need to drink.. blah blah blah..
It was the best thing I could have done for my sanity, after having been a doormat, a bartender, a mother, a sex slave, a nag, a drinking buddy, the alcohol police, the breadwinner, the negotiator, the dumping ground, the victim for nearly a decade. So all that said, as I step into my chosen life, and continue to heal and grow, i have to interact with him. I have to acknowledge that my children love him, he is, after all, their dad, and I did a really good job of keeping his secrets and lies, especially from them.
And today, in the midst of raising my children and being a strong and healthy woman not afraid of emotion or failure, I have to watch as he fondles and loves on another woman, presents the picture of a loving and happy man, happy to finally be rid of the bitch (me) that had been holding him back. She (the woman he has been with since 12 days after I moved out) cooed and marveled and intervened when my children needed their father's attention, all with smiles and hair tossing, and candy, and attention. I know it is all just "snow for show" but I can't figure out how to balance my need to have a compotent parent in him for my children, and my desire to be far far far away from the toxicity.
I ask for strength, because I am doing this alone. I ask for understanding, because I will fail at times. I ask for love, because sometimes I would just like to be the weak one. I ask for help, because I just don't think I am doing so well sometimes, not today on the verge of tears as he gets to be golden again and I am left with my heart dripping through the spaces in the palms of my hands.
Get help, got out, don't look back.
Blessings all, and thanks for reading. I welcome any responses.
I ask for strength, because I am doing this alone. I ask for understanding, because I will fail at times. I ask for love, because sometimes I would just like to be the weak one. I ask for help, because I just don't think I am doing so well sometimes, not today on the verge of tears as he gets to be golden again and I am left with my heart dripping through the spaces in the palms of my hands.
Dear Elzzap
Welcome to MIP Your above request will be answered in alanon You are no longer alone.Living with alcoholism certainly takes a toll!!!.
I would just like to say that I was inspired by your clarity, wisdom and strength.
Please know you will find help in alanon meetings. Local meetings in your community can be found by looking in the White pages under AlAnon.
It's hard, isn't it? For me, I think the idea that if I could only wait it out some more, or be better, or learn how to control things, I could get the love and relationship I wanted -- that it was just around the corner and all my suffering would be justified -- that was hard to shake. I lived with that for so long, always being on hyperalert. It only takes a second for me to get back in that mindset, the "if only..." mindset.
I am 100% certain your ex hasn't changed his stripes in his new life, any more than mine has. They have so much confidence that their dysfunctional way of living is so right and powerful that we begin to believe them too. But you know it's all a sham. It's just the "if only..." syndrome rearing its head again in our minds.
I also think that the strength of my attachment to that painful life is a sign of how much I wanted those things I always hoped I was just about to get. And I still want them. But he doesn't have them to give. I had to move on from him before I had a hope of having them in my life. He wasn't the solution; he was the obstacle.
I hope you can get to some face-to-face meetings? We need support in the face of these powerful feelings.
I too found your post to be very telling. One the greatest things about this program is the promise of a much better life by working on 'me' and working the steps. If there were not hope here and in F2F meetings, I believe I'd be nuttier than when I arrived - and that was way, way, way nutz....
This board has meetings twice daily also. If you look up on the left in the yellow area, you'll see a link to the Group Meeting / Chat Room. The ESH in the meetings is great and while online mtgs. don't replace F2F, they are wonderful to keep me focused on me...
All I can offer to you is the gift of fellowship. I have no ESH for your situation, as I opted to stay with my AH - so my boys would know/have a father active in their life. If I could get any 'do-overs' in this life, that decision to stay vs. go might be a re-think! LOL.
But - that's just not an option, and it is what it is and - that got me here - so I'm grateful. Thank you for your share!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I can only give you my own ESH. My core issue with any alcoholic is not the way they behave, the charades they put on. My issue is that I crave approval and validation. when I meet people like an alcoholic I go into obessive thinking and want to try to control them in order to get them to like me. They don't of course since they don't even like themselves.
By working the program and detaching (and oh how hard it is to detach) I'm been able to see the charades as illness rather than something I'm left out of (believe me its taken me years to get there). I'm surrounded by alcoholics wherever I go, the alcoholic who I work with has just been promoted because he knows how to smooze very very well (that's about it he has no other skills). He is thrilled, other people feel insulted. If I detach I can just see the illness all over the place and work on not having it bother me. If I don't I can fall into the chasm of beliving their actions are somehow a reflection of my worth. When I work the program with a sponsor, with a higher power, no matter what is happening in my life, no matter what the circumstances are, no matter where I am I 'm the one who holds the key to my self worth and no one else, no corporation, no person can change that.
Aloha El...You've come to the right place. Let us love you until you learn how to love yourself. Infact we already are. Most here have been on your journey and share your thoughts, feelings, depressed condition and low spirits. Time to focus on you and trash that unreal perception you are having. You lived in the truth and there is absolutely no way that you had the power to put his picture into reality. Let it go and turn it over including yourself.
I got hooked into that picture once myself and then remembered that I was only one person in the long journey of the disease in her life and all the past others had also left. You didn't cause it...you can't and could never have controlled it and you and others including the new she wouldn't be able to cure it. Alcoholism is an incurable disease. Unless he gets sober he can and will go crazy from it and die. It is a fatal disease. Pray the new she gets to wake up also and then turn her over. It's okay to let the kids know about the alcoholism. In fact because they are next in line I'd suggest it. It's not about downing their Dad, its about a family disease that destroys and kills. Literature from the Al-Anon meetings including literature to children is important.
