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I am 4 weeks from my divorce from my AH being final. But I am not free from the ravages of this awful disease.
My AH comes to my house as he pleases, most visits are nasty and unpleasant. He has made so many threats from burning my house down, raping me and promises to make the rest of my life miserable. I have spoken to the police but they say until he actually does something there is nothing they can do.
Last night he visited and was talking of a conversation he believes we had, telepathically. He firmly believes we talk when we are apart! In this conversation I apparently admitted to neglecting our 3 children (not true in the slightest!) and that he needs to contact children's services. He also believes he has visions where he sees the future, and told me that one of us will die soon in car accident. My head tells me this is from the effects of many years of alcohol abuse but my heart feels ill. It's not that I believe what he is saying, it is that he believes it.
Right now I am feeling I will have to go into hiding to find peace.
Any advice, sharing of experience would be very appreciated!
I'm not sure why they police wont do anything- he is threatening you and like you said you don't feel safe.
Maybe you can try calling domestic violence shelters and see if they have any advice for you or anything you can do in this situation.
I don't really have any esh in this area..I guess just wanted to give you a ((hug)) (((bluerose)))
I just saw these numbers in another post so am copying and pasting they may be of help to you..
The following are some numbers that may help:
Battered Women's Justice Project: 1-800-903-0111. National Organization for Victims Assistance: 1-800-879-6682 National Resource Center for Domestic Violence: 1-800-537-2238 US Domestic Violence Hotline/ General Information: 1-800-799-7233
-- Edited by Melissa21 on Saturday 13th of March 2010 08:10:47 PM
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"Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip." Will Rogers
Bluerose, Please be very careful. Threats like these should be taken seriously. If I were in your place I would be writing down all of his threats, and delusions and keeping documentation of the date, and times and weather they were made in person or by pine or email. I would also refuse to let him into the house.
The threats could potentially be cited by law enforcement as terrorism. You might try approaching them with that in mind.
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Just for today I will try to live through this day only, and not tackle all my problems at once
I don't know which country you are from but herein Australia, we would take out an Intervention Orer and he would be arrested if he telephoned or came within a certain distance of your house. This is treated very seriously here
Until he actually does something ?? yikes Call back and ask them what they call the threats he is making . Perhaps a restraining order is possible .. keep trying until someone hears you... Your way too important to let this go .. make some noise . ( hugs)
The only other suggestion I have is to make a plan B. There was a time where my AH became erratic in his behavior. I believe due to vitamin B deficiency ( a common ailment of later stage alcoholics). The deficiency makes their brain malfunction - hallucinations, false beliefs, aggression etc. During that time, I kept a key hidden outside the house so I could get to my car and start it. I kept a spare bag of clothes in the car, and I kept a cell phone fully charged in a pocket on my person at all times. AH did not live with me at that time, but he kept coming to the house. On one occassion I called the police. It's very important that you take the disease and it's effects seriously for your own safety. After my husband received treatment for the vitamin deficiency, these effects never returned. Thank goodness.
This is very frightening. Have you made contact with your local domestic violence shelter? They will be able to advise you about steps to take to keep yourself safe, and restraining orders and legal matters like that (and how to find a good lawyer). I would beware of being alone with him, or even talking to him. You can't talk him out of his delusions; I would think it's best to have no contact, so as to maximize the chances that he will stop focusing on you and the end of the relationship. Please, please take care of yourself.
I have thought of getting an intervention order but worry that will only aggrevate him more. I live rural so it would take a little while for police to get to my house, AH is within walking distance. I think moving is my only option.
The threats have escalated in the past month as he has received the divorce paperwork, even though he agreed to it originally. In his distorted thinking, he is the victim and I am doing this (the divorce) to him.
If I ever feel very unsafe I will be out of here quicker than you can blink!
Thanks so much, it is nice to be able to "talk" with people who understand this heartbreaking disease.
In the book, How Al-Anon Works for Families and Friends of Alcoholics there is a section entitled A Special Word to Anyone Confronted with Violence (Preface ix) please consult this. We in Al-Anon do not give advice, but realize the importance of not accepting violence or dangerous situations, which may cause harm to our children or us. If you are in a situation like this please do not hesitate to call the police or having some kind of plan to protect yourself.
The following are some numbers that may help:
Battered Womens Justice Project: 1-800-903-0111. National Organization for Victims Assistance: 1-800-879-6682 National Resource Center for Domestic Violence: 1-800-537-2238 US Domestic Violence Hotline/ General Information: 1-800-799-7233
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Just for today I will try to live through this day only, and not tackle all my problems at once
((((bluerose)))) - first, hugs to you and so very sorry for your pain and fear.
I do agree that what he says should be documented and you should continue to make contact with authorities asking for assistance and guidance.
I also agree with a Plan B and perhaps a Plan C. While you can not change anything about his disease and the progression of it, you can work hard to take care of you.
I like the idea of making contact with agencies experienced in this - while moving may be an option/solution, it's often so stressful 'alone'. If you arm yourself with support from program folks, agency folks and any others possibly (family, friends) - perhaps the stress and fear will be a bit more manageable.
We are all here for you and I'll add you and your A to my prayer list!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
So sorry you must go thru this I believe you can get a restraining order due to the threats of harm to you and your home. I would suggest contacting a battered womans shelter for advice and or protection. Please do what you can to keep you and your children safe what ever that looks like for you...stay with a friend, a shelter whatever. Clearly your soon to be XH has severe problems that he has likely been self medicating with booze or drugs. Prayers to you and your children and please keep us updated You are loved here and we care about your safety
Well the police could actually issue a protective order for you right there and then. What they were saying is that they can't do anything. In fact you can get a restraining order (provided you know where your husband is) and as a "civil" matter restrain him from coming around. I am certain conduct is a huge issue in this. The restraining order would be served on your husband and then go to court in a week and half time (approximately).
The papers for the restraining order will be at your local court. This may be the superior court in your area. Many superior courts have an advocate on hand to go over the paperwork with you ( it is usually extensive). If your funds are low you can apply for a fee waiver.
I hope this is clear for you that there are options and you do not have to harassed and have your peace of mind disturbed.
