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I went to a F2F meeting and they all agreed that you have to play the mind games and let them back in since you don't know if they will follow though or not.
My drug addicted husband will go and use on his days off and not come home, will miss a day of work and then call and say "I wrote letters to you and the kids." and cry because he wants peace. And then I end up having him come home, he sleeps, and goes to work the next day.
Then the cycle starts again. I don't know how to stop it. I feel if I tell him, ok where's the letters and I'm sorry it ends this way that he will do something. (He's bipolar.) When he does this I have no idea where he is or where he stays.
I can't do this revolving door. Everything is suffering. Insurance won't pay for rehab, he won't go stay with his dad out of town.
The F2F meeting said I should keep helping because he just may commit suicide. But I just can't ride this ride anymore.
That is an excellent question. I found I ended the mind games when I stopped participating. I attended alanon meetings I focused on my serenity, my goals. I lived ODAT. I refused to engage in alcoholic games or arguments.
I lived in the truth and the present moment. I knew the pattern. He would drink then promise to stop. I decided what I could live with and then proceeded to do just that.
I accepted I was powerless over alcohol and that I needed to live my life using alanon tools in order to recover from the effects of living with alcohol.
I know alanon suggest no major life changes for the first 6 months so that we can be more steady in our decison making abilities. I got a sponser, worked the steps attended meetings, prayed shared and my life got better.
Please keep coming back
-- Edited by hotrod on Saturday 13th of March 2010 11:23:06 PM
I would just like to say that if he commits suicide (NOT saying he will if you stop helping) but it's NOT your fault.
I agree with hotrod the mind games stop when YOU decide to stop participating in them. It's your choice you can step aside and decide to not join in.
Do what is best for YOU whatever that is. We are told to wait 6 months before making major decisions.
As far as you saying:
"I went to a F2F meeting and they all agreed that you have to play the mind games and let them back in since you don't know if they will follow though or not."
First thing that comes to my mind is take what you like and leave the rest. That may be something I would chose not to take.
You can try googling Alanon merry go round. I don't think we can post links here..but it's a really long yet gooood article! I think it will help explain your "Then the cycle starts again. I don't know how to stop it."
Keep coming back.
Melissa
__________________
"Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip." Will Rogers
How do u quit the mind games ? by not participating is all I can think of at the moment .. to me its like a game of ping pong if u dont hit the ball it drops to the ground the game is over . Have to play the m ind games at a f2f ? now that I do not understand at all . read all u can on detachment try july 14th in our OdAT and our detachment pamphlet those two things changed my life .. I agree with Mel what he decides to do is his decission , I was told to allow them the dignity to live or die the way they choose not easy I know and it takes time . It sounds to me like that group is making you responsible for saving his life - that is not your job . Part of our insanity is doing the same things over and over again thinking this time it will work out different. and it never does. I am not powerful enough to make anyone choose to live but I am powerful enough to choose how I will live my life . The only way i know how to help is to go to meetings , get some sanity back in my life and support thier efforts at sobriety while I get my life back on track .
-- Edited by abbyal on Saturday 13th of March 2010 08:47:33 PM
I am surprised that a meeting would say that you have to continue to play the mind games or that it is your responsibility if he commits suicide. That doesn't sound like realism or detachment to me. I wonder what is going on with that meeting? Something sounds off there. Do you have a sponsor? Getting a good sponsor -- someone whose serenity seems clear -- might help in getting clear on this difficult question.
I too am confused as to why ur f2f mtg told you that. Where are the 3 C's? WE do not make them drink or hurt themselves. You are not responsible for the choices of another adult. Continuing to enable and "play the game" is what keeps the disease alive. I did stop participating in the manipulation. I worked on me, focused on me and detached from other people's issues. You cannot sort out their feelings or lives for them. All we can do is live our life. If u want to stop feeding the disease ~ focus on YOU, work the steps with a sponsor and detach wtih love. You can support and love, while focusing on you and sticking to boudnaries.
WE do not give advice at alanon, we share ESH. Ive done these things and I am peaceful, serene & happy today. The only person I work to control is myself. I am sorry to say, it sounds like an unhealthy f2f group. Can u try out others mtgs? You can supplement ur f2f mts with online ones here in the chat room. Our online group is a healthy one here.
Do whatver you need to do, to take care of YOU.
__________________
Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Thank you- I was trying out a new group. I didn't care for this one at all. There was only a few members and the general dynamic just wasn't for me. I'm not giving up though.
I do have a sponsor. The H is just putting me through a private hell right now and its so hard to stay focused on me when he is just acting like he is. I called on my HP today to take over because I felt like I was trying to deal myself and I can't.
I know if he was to hurt himself, its not my fault, but I'm not at that point of releasing myself from that feeling yet.
If you think he's in imminent danger of hurting himself -- if he's threatening to do it or the like -- it may be wise to call emergency services. We're not professionals and we can't be in charge of other people's emotional health. If he needs support to keep from harming himself, he needs it from a professional who can get an array of services to help him. So you can take it seriously without having to be in charge. My ex was ruled by his son who threatened suicide if his dad didn't do what he wanted. I don't know if the son meant it or if he was just trying to control his dad -- maybe the son didn't even know himself. But they got themselves locked in a terrible dynamic. It would have been wiser to call emergency services so that if the son were in real danger, he could get some real help, and he if wasn't, he would understand that threatening suicide is very serious and will be taken very seriously.
