The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'll keep this simple. I have been married for 25+ years to a wonderful man who happens to have the disease of alcoholism. He relapses every 3-5 months. He is active in support groups. I can hardly deal with the relapses after a 10 year period of going through this. It is ugly. I have anxiety and insomnia over it. Each time is worse for me. I MUST detach, but don't know how. I read my One Day at a Time and The Courage to Change. I cannot go to meetings as the worst case scenarios by everyone make me worse. Please tell me how to detach. Thank You
Detachment is a tool that takes practice. We need to know that alcoholism is a disease. That we are completely Powerless over alcohol. That we Did not cause it , Can not control it , Can not cure it.
We need to learn to:
Focus ON OurSelves Read your Courage to Change Living One Moment at A Time Pray
Break the Isolation by
Coming here. Posting and Go to On Line meetings and Chat With all this gradually we learn to Let go and let God
"I cannot go to meetings as the worst case scenarios by everyone make me worse."
I kinda sorta know what you mean't by that and maybe I'm wrong. You react to others and not only your alcoholic and life gets worse for you?
What Hotrod suggested was the solution to me and how I was taught in Al-Anon. Focus somewhere else; on something important to me and my peace of mind and serenity the same as becoming centered on another way of thinking and acting.
"No one has the power to rob me of my peace of mind and serenity unless I permit them." The refocus for me is on the not permitting. I use empathy and compassion I don't use absorbing other people's or the alcoholics struggles. I didn't cause it. I can't control it or cure it. I can and will do something else.
Hi. I work my whole program online this time around. I attended mtgs for three years religiously when I was younger but now, 24 yrs later, I was waaayy too derpessed and paranoid to go (I tried a few times). So, I live here at the board and in the chat room. For the first 1-2 years, I def could relate to - when I'd hear some awful stories/situations, I'd take it in and would feel even worse -bc- my situation was not so bad and I was doing worse then the other person. I had to work hard on QTIP - quit taking it personally and realizing everything isnt about me - I was internalizing.
I didnt really exp detachment until I first set and followed through on a boundary. Then I had a plan of action to take - I didnt have to think about it, I simply followed my boundary and took care of me. I was no longer compromising me, I was standing up for myself. That is what began, my seperation, or my wholeness - of being my own person with my own feelings and leaving others with thier issues, moods, whims and feelings. WE all have to or get to work that out for ourselves, its part of the human expereince.
I also had to practise inner boundaries, which meant that I could be "OK" even if my loved ones were in crisis.
For me detachment is like faith - I need to practise it. Or like meditation, the practise of doing it is what allows it to happen - u dont arrive anywhere, it takes conscious effort. Si keep practising doing it, in doing so u will begin to achieve it.
The article missy posted is awesome - read it once a week or daily until it begins to absorb. I often thinka bout how it took me 36 yrs to get to a place where I was willing to look at me and change - Ive only got 4.5 yrs in program, so if I dont do it daily, in a few days, I am slipping again. So, easier to just stick with it and do it daily.
WE have mtgs in the chat room - 2/day. I go to those and share often with brutal honesty. If ur willling tohcange and want things to be different or more healthy - u can achieve it, odaat. Come to chat and talk to others, speaking in live time to ppl who have been where u are, helps so much, we understand.
Remember that alanon is about YOU and for you. You cannot change another adult, we are all here for ourselves and can only "fix" ourselves, not each other.
Glad ur here, keep working it and keep practising.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
i know for me some of the al anon blogs online help me immensely. There are articles there about how some people detached. This board has an archive you can follow certain people (in my case I followed everyone when I got here) back to when they started. You can see in print how they detached...and what a job it was.
Detachingfor me, in the beginning, was hard work but its getting easier. Here at MIP, and at my f2f meetings, Ive learned about placing boundaries which has made detaching, for me, easier.They can just be simple inner boundaries in my head, or tough love ones as I call them, which have consequences if the boundary is pushed or ignored. They're not set in stone, they can and do change as circumstances change and as I change.
Some days I get exhausted with it all, all the work I have to put in, it can overwhelmme, but I take a step back and look at how much better my life is today than yesterday and if I keep doing what Im doing I can only build on that.
I refer a lot to the link that Melissa gave you it keeps me focused.
Thank you all. I appreciate all of your input. I printed out the steps for detachment and feel much better just reading them. It is great to have a place to go since I feel embarrassed and vulnerable sharing this with too many people. Only discuss it with those I truly know are supportive of me. Thanks again!
