Hi ((((((dis))))))) glad you're able to get in here and vent.  First thing I want to share is "Happiness is an inside job."  If you're waiting on your hubby (or anyone else) to "make" you happy, chances are it won't happen.  I can't tell you how many times I thought "If only he'd quit drinking, If only the kids would be more responsible, If only they would....(fill in the blank)"  What I have learned through working my program, is that I and only I am responsible for my own happiness.  I can choose to allow myself to be angry every morning when I walk downstairs and see that one of the kids has left something laying around again or I can choose to a) ignore it and go on about my day or b) pick it up and go on about my day.  I have to ask myself often How Important Is It?  I also ask myself, is there anything I can do to make it change?  Am I expecting others to change their habits overnight?  I remind myself how hard it was/is for me to change habits and therefore I need to really look and see if they also are trying to change and if so I need to give them credit and watch that I don't keep trying to push them into perfection. 

When I am able to concentrate on my program and focus on me, how I am doing, rather than look at them, then I seem to do better at holding onto my serenity.  Believe me, there are many times I have to remind myself to just relax and let it go.  I can nicely and calmly remind the kids to pick their things up.  I can get busy myself and do some chores if I don't want to wait for someone else to get them done.  When I do that, I often will say, "okay, I did this chore of yours, now you will help me do this" and I never get an argument out of them when I put it that way.  When I can practice all this, I feel better. 

Sometimes making a pro/con list can help us see where our real fears are.  What would be good about moving?  What would be bad?  In my situation, boy oh boy, living in Las Vegas would be a nightmare because my A is also a gambler.  The influence of being around that constantly would more than likely just be too much.  No, moving doesn't make everything better (wherever I go there I am), but sometimes certain areas don't help one bit when trying to get recovery.  Is your husband your A?  Is he in recovery?  Is he trying to move somewhere where old influences won't be around him and he could concentrate on recovery better.... or is he just thinking moving will solve it all?  These are some of the things I would think of when faced with a question like yours.  Are we moving for the right reasons?  Could it possibly help?

Also dis, on a personal note, I hear a lot of anger and upset and turmoil in your post.  When I get feeling all those emotions, the best thing for me is to look at those emotions and try to figure out what the root cause of them is.  I can't just stuff them away, hide them, because what happens with me is I become like that volcano bubbling away underneath and eventually I just "blow up".   I have learned to come into chat and talk them out or post about them here or talk them out in ftf, to get different perspectives from others, eventually either by someone saying something or by my seeing my own words in writing I will figure out just what is going on and what I need to do about it.  So I encourage you to keep coming back as much as you are able! 

We CAN create our own happiness even when life is in turmoil around us.  I am reminded of when I first started Al-Anon, how unhappy I was, and how by using the Al-Anon tools I was able to start finding happiness within me.  I too loved my husband, but felt like my feelings were all numb/hidden (and much of that was due to my building an emotional wall trying to prevent getting hurt again).  It is hard to tear our walls down and put our love back out there when we are so afraid of being rebuffed.  The thing is, when I was able to start doing that, I began to feel better.  I wasn't contributing to any of the verbal fights we used to have and that helped to prevent quite a lot of them.  Looking back I can see that many of those started by me being nasty to him when he'd sit down and pour a drink.  I can see now that my own attitude really does matter, and that by having the right attitude things can be better for everyone.  I began to get better when I started acting instead of reacting.    It's a long hard road of work, but it sure is worth it...we are worth it!!

Much luv and (((((((hugs)))))) to ya!

Kis

Hello Dis , I hope u find time to go to meetings again , do it for your self and the kids. Old habits are hard to break I remember it well. it takes a lot of practice to change ourselves. Moving away might be very exciting for you , new job new friends etc and find Al-Anon meetings quick you never have to be alone again. unless of course u choose to be.

I remember being only once as angry as u just described and it scared hell out of me too. Throwing furniture is unexceptable behavior but pushing is too. This damn disease takes us to places we never planned on going.  forgive yourself and move on. I promised myself that i would never allow myself to loose control like that again and thank God with alot of help and talking things out with other members I have not had to repeat my worst day again.

I understand you not wanting to do anything to make him happy, I wanted my husb to hurt like I hurt , little did I know that he was hurting too. When I treat him with respect I feel better about me , and that for me is w hat al anon is all about doing things that make me feel better about me.

Fear of the unknown (moving) is normal for us  leaving the comfort of family and friends but it could be a great adventure. and the family will be there for you in the event that u need to move back again. Try and relax let it play out the way it's suppose to and then u will be able to make a informed decission as to going with h im or not.  Read all you can on FEAR in our literature find a page u can work  and see what happens .    good luck  Louise