Would she be able to visit the girls at the dad's house if you don't let her visit them there?  Maybe you could allow her to visit for a few hours a week, supervised by you, of course. I would just make sure she is straight before you let her come to your house. I have learned in the past to not let children know in advance that their parent is suppose to visit. You just never know with an addict. My son visits with his children at my home. As far as they usually know they are visiting Nana, Pop-Pop and daddy. If something happens and daddy cannot be there My granddaughters (ages 9 & 7) know about his problem with alcohol and why he cannot be there if he has been drinking. It is sad for them to know but we try to keep the lines of communication open and always let them know it is not their fault...that daddy is sick. Also, their mom has them in some counseling about their dad's aism. Hopefully, one day they will go to Alateen.

I only wish I was more educated on this disease when I was young.

I think for me, anytime a tough decision that will affect others drastically is at hand, I need to first look at my motives.  Why am I doing or not doing X,Y, or Z?  Is this truly any of my business (not suggesting this isn't your business at all)?

Then I would need to look at the potential gain or harm to those involved.

Does it put the children at risk?  Is she verbally or physically abusive?
Is it going to benefit the children?  Is it going to benefit the mother?
What does the father, who has primary custody, feel?

Then, what are your options?  If yes, how can this be done so it is as peaceful as possible for everyone?  Supervised visits or ???.  If not, how can it be communicated to all involved that the decision was made out of love and for their protection.  They are not being abandoned, mom is just working on getting healthy.  Mom, we are not punishing you, we are caring for your children.  Lots of options and variables that we are not privy to. 

Tough situation with no answers available from the outside, they have to come from your heart.  I am sorry for the circumstances you are facing and hope that a peaceful answer is forthcoming.  Protect and take care of yourself first, put your oxygen mask on first before putting on others, and hopefully everyone will be breathing a little easier soon.

Take care.  Please let us know how things go.  We are here for you.

Tricia

I agree wholeheartedly with Gailey, with the point she made about not informing the children beforehand of the visit.

My exAH has very often told my 9 year old son that he's going to do something and then backed out. He always has a reason - work got in the way, mostly. It doesn't matter if it's true or not. My son is disappointed either way because he looks forward to the times he sees his dad. Whether or not he's an alcoholic, he's my son's father. I've talked to my son about alcoholism a little, just to explain to him why I go to Alanon meetings and what Alanon is. I have not told him that his father is an alcoholic because I feel that it is not my business, and when my son is ready to ask questions or make his own decisions about that particular situation, he will.

I also agree with tlcate, in examining motives before making any decision. I would ask myself, if I decide not to let them see her, is it an attempt to make her stop doing whatever behavior she's doing? Or if I decide not to let them see her, is that decision truly in their best interest? Or if I decide to let them see her, am I making the decision to avoid conflict?

I think that I would have to evaluate what is in the childrens' best interest. I would assume that she is going to keep drinking. I would ask myself: are they better off seeing her or not seeing her, assuming that she is going to be exactly the way she is now?

I am thinking that decission should be up to the kids dad .  as long as they are safe , she is thier mother and kids accept them alot easier than we do ... thier saftey must come first . nothing else matters .