The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
when I woke up this morning I had this thought come to my mind that I have been cheated in life. So, I know I am just feeling sorry for myself and when I don't go to Alanon meetings I get into this negative self talk. Here is where it took me:
I grew up with an A father and a depressed mother. I always felt out of the norm so I would not say I had a great childhood.
I married an A very young and had a baby. Got divorced 2 short years later. Remarried and was very happy to my current hubby. Had another baby. Both of my kids were diagnosed at a young age with ADHD. So, needless to say they were not the happiest of times either. Always behavorial problems at school and at home. Then...teenagers with drinking, pot and bigger behavorial problems. OK...so I get through those years and I become a grandmother. Then, A son gets a divorce and I let MY life fall apart. This is not the life I was hoping for. Along the way somewhere me and hubby lose the connection we once had. Now the older A son is living next door to me and I don't know how to set and stick to boundaries. I love him so darn much and just find it so hard to turn him away. Now, we are not talking about a 20 year old. My son will be 39 years old next month...sigh! I guess I just keep hoping HE will make the decision to leave ...yeah, like that's going to happen. I would like to find out if mine and hubby's problems are steming from the A son living so close.
OK...so I am not accepting the things I cannot change very well these day and I am not detaching well either. Could this all be from letting my program fall away? Of course I know the answer to that but sometimes I just give up on trying to get things right...to having to make a conscious effort to take care of myself...to having to deal daily with this crap. I, like so many others, mourne the things that could and should have been.
Sory for the long vent. I am just not in a good place these days.
(((((Gail))))) - thanks so much for the share and so sorry that it's a difficult day/set of days for you.
I can so relate to many elements of your share. When I get where you are, I call it my funk. This disease wants me to stay there, and my brain knows better - so I fight it.
For me, it's still a conscious effort - to fight - for my peace of mind, self-worth and serenity with regards to this disease. I often find myself really wanting my HP to show me (NOW) exactly what the lesson is for all that I'm living in/through.
My oldest turns 18 during this month. As that date approaches, his disease is really showing, and his choices/behaviors have been beyond acceptable/reproach. It's difficult to accept, knowing that I've invested 18 years into this human teaching right from wrong, good from bad, etc. to see the 'final product'.
I often write here about connecting my head with my heart. I have to remind myself often and always that those dark elements and the current style is the disease. It's not my son, whom I love very much.
May you find the strength today to love you and know that your HP truly doesn't want you/any of us to be stuck in these funks. Your share makes me truly find the hope in my future and the many unknowns left to be experienced.
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
OK...so I am not accepting the things I cannot change very well these day and I am not detaching well either. Could this all be from letting my program fall away? Of course I know the answer to that but sometimes I just give up on trying to get things right...to having to make a conscious effort to take care of myself...to having to deal daily with this crap. I, like so many others, mourne the things that could and should have been.
Sory for the long vent. I am just not in a good place these days.
((((Gail)))) Dear Gail, You are not alone. When I first entered the doors of alanon I thought and felt the exact same ideas as you expressed. I also thought that my life was more difficult than many and that I had to struggle to find happiness that seemed to be handed to others on a platter. That was most of the anger, resentment, self pity and fear that enfolded me.
You are right practicing program encouraged me to Focus on Myself, Identify with people and not compare, Have no expectations of HP or others Live ODAT, Pray in order to grow and flourish. It kept me very busy.
When I did my 4th step I found that My will did not want to do any of this I wanted everything done for me and I wanted to cruise thru life.
Working the program as you observed enabled me to live life on life's terms, with serenity, courage and peace. It was my only choice in the end!!!!
Dear Gail , keep coming back it works if we work it
Gail, As Iamhere and Hotrod told you, you are not alone.
My life is not what I had dreamed it to be. In fact I can remember for years not wanting to get married EVER while I was growing up. Well then I met my "A" and for some reason I changed my mind. Fast forward 12 years later and I am now divorced, a single mother of three, working full-time and will probably never get real support from their dad.
Is there some stuff I would like to change about my past and make my life different? You bet. But chances are I would still have ended up similar to where I am now becasue even if the sitations in my life were different, I wouldn't be! I would still have been the same me. I am learning in counseling that most of the lies I told myself which led me to choosing my "A" I taught myself as a child. I can't remember anyone telling me that it was my responsibility to fix other people. I think I was hardwired to be a codie :).
I can't change my past, but I am now taking steps to change what I can ME! I am a strong, independent (which can be a fault at times), smart and courageous woman. I know all this because of all the crap I went through in the past. My past experiences make me who I am today and I can resent them, which in turn will only hurt me. Or I can embrace them and use them to make me a better person. It doesn't mean I have to like it all the time.
I am fighting right now to become the woman I want to be. To become the healthy me that is inside me. Sometimes I wish it wasn't so much of a fight, but I know me and if it wasn't a fight I wouldn't learn anything. Oh yeah did I mention how stubborn I am .
We are here for you sweet lady. Lean on us and remember to take care of you.
Yours in recovery, Mandy
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"We are not punished for our unforgiveness, we are punished by it" Jim Stovall
I do understand exactly what you are saying. Been a long time since I posted on here but I do remember feeling that you and I had a lot in common. My oldest son is also 39...be 40 in April. He is fighting bi-polar/schizo ..... and is living here in our home. Otherwise he would be on the streets. It is an extremely difficult day to day existence often. He mostly stays in his room. as is normal with this illness, he is not on medication. My oldest daughter is 39 April also and is a diabetic/alcoholic and is in an abusive relationship with another alcoholic....it's a back and forth deal of course. My next daughter is 35 ...this is the one who lost her husband in 2006 in a car wreck. Her daughter, my grandaughter came and lived with us that school year because mom was too involved in the grief which also involved other so called "friends" who flocked to her when they smelled insurance money. 2 years later the money was mostly gone and she remarried .... to a man my husbands age and another alcoholic....they got married in a bar. That was last Feb. In Oct they got stopped after leaving the bar and he was arrested for his 3rd DWI..while on parole.... my daughter tested drunker then he did so she couldn't drive home. So they spent their 1st anniversary with him in jail !!!! Still don't know what will happen there..$8000 spent on a lawyer !!!!!! AND, that grandaughter is now 17 and expecting my 1st great grandchild. When we had these beautiful babies NO, we did not envision our/their futures in this manner. I still struggle with these things but I do understand that even tho I gave birth to them. they are HP's children. (He doesn't have grandchildren) The grandaughter I raised is now 21 ... so all are grown. I don't know their journey in life. Often I also have felt that sometimes I became so good at the acceptance....but NOT so good at taking care of ME! That's my main concern and it's a decision I have to make every day...sometimes more than once. Some days I'm good at it and sometimes not....but I'm trying to "do the next right thing...even (or especialy) if I don't feel like it. Hugs to you! Take care of YOU! Irish
I hate so much that you are feeling overwhelmed at this time in your life - it does appear to be a difficult time for you.
Please know that I care deeply for you and want God's very best for you and your family.
sometimes it is challenging to keep a relationship with a spouse when there are demands with children - i believe with both parties willing to work on it - the closeness can be reclaimed.
For me - I know it was difficult to allow myself to "Feel" close to someone again - because that would allow myself to be vunerable and possibly hurt again. Even if this person had never hurt me. Reaching out to your husband, striving for that closeness again - maybe difficult and scary - but it may well be worth it too.
You know it is ok to have your time of mourning - to grieve for the loss of your dreams of what you thought life was going to be - to write the grief letters - to feel the pain, disappointment and despair.
But then there is also time to ask your HP to help you heal - to let it go and to ask for new eyes to see the world you live in today - To look for the blessings of things that you would have never if thought to ask for in your dream of what you thought life was going to be.
Would you have thought you would have these friends here at MIP? I wouldn't have - but I wouldn't trade them for the world!
The boundaries with your son - not only help you but allow him the dignity to be a better person. Boundaries aren't only for ourselves - They may start out that way - but in someways I believe they allow the A's the ability to reach within themselves and find that self-esteem to strive for better. Yes we all know that some do not rise to that challenge - but some do - YES my friend - SOME DO!
Most of all Gail, please please give yourself some self-care - for me - I cannot be a healthy, loving and caring friend, partner, mother, grandmother if I'm not taking care of ME!!
Most of all remember - YOU DESERVE IT!!!!
HUGS, Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
Wow, this entire thread just gave me goosebumps!!! What awesome ES&H.
I agree with every single word.
For me, I was the victim. Child abuse, family neglect, absent father, daughter's absent father, abusive bfs, the list goes on and on. I kept wondering "why me?"
Some of it is out of our control, we get hurt and there is nothing we can do about it. The beauty of this program is the ability to look at myself with honesty and take responsibility for what is mine, forgive myself, change my behaviors, and let the rest go. In identifying my own character defects I was able to have more compassion and forgiveness for those who hurt me AND see where in some places I put myself in a position to be hurt. In turn I was able to let those things go and work on changing myself with a lighter heart, not so weighed down by my past.
It is a slow process. More is revealed daily and it will continue that way for the rest of my life. But I am learning to enjoy the journey more and feel a little lighter for all that I have accepted, forgiven, and let go of. The baggage I am carrying is still there, but any reduction in weight is a relief and I will try to continue to take things out and not add to it. My daily inventory helps me a lot there.
Thank you so much for sharing with us.
Tricia
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To be trusted is a greater compliment than being loved.
Well I certainly grew up in a terrible environment, alcoholism everywhere. I met and hooked up with numerous alcoholics. My biggest gripe when I got here was that where was my life? Where was my reward for having suffered?
What I've achieved with al anon is hardly a great life that anyone would envy but I am no longer at the beck and call of anyone but my dogs and a little 7 lb cat. I don't call love the reason for not having boundaries. I learned them, I practised them, I revised them, I hold them very very close.
I do indeed understand what is to grieve what one didn't have. I also know with al anon I can have, peace, serenity, self esteem, self preservation and a clarity. I'm no longer immersed in Fear Obligation and Guilt. I can have compassion for an active addict at the same time as saying I don't want to know, don't bring it here and I'm not available for that. I can also have immense compassion, limits and understanding for myself rather than everyone but me.
If you practice the boundaries and keep at it your son will no longer be able to control you. You can have a life, it might not be the kind of life you imagined but it will be a life you can like rather than dread.
Boy oh boy can I identify with your situation. I too struggle with an addict son. He is only 20 but still the demons are there and the behavior is still just as bad. My son feels that he is "owed" everything in life he wants. He wants a car and feels that we should give it to him and pay for the insurance and gas for him to cruise around and do whatever he wants. He thinks we owe him everything under the sun because of the bad life he has had. But I have tried to explain to him he has to earn these things and he refuses to get it. I know he understands but refuses to accept. It's part of the disease and he has learned a lot from his Alcoholic father. Being around that mess his whole life has taught him some crazy ideas of the way life should be and I am the one who gets the most crap. So each day I work hard to work MY program, it's all mine and nobody else is involved in it. I work for my serenity and my sanity using the program. I come here often to read and sometimes post. But it is truly hard work each day. I do at least one thing a day for myself to make sure I am taking care of me, because nobody else is going to take care of me. One day I even did 2 things for myself and felt so great. But I also know the feeling of seperation from your spouse. I don't know if it's directly related to your son, only you would know that. If the thought is there then you may be on to something. Taking care of yourself first and foremost may hlep you start to figure other things out.
I def had to grieve and honor aspects of my life that werent as I'd hoped/expected. I had to do a lot of self forgiveness work.
I got the 6 guidelines for setting boundaires in the chat room yrs ago and they do work. I've used them to set boundaries in all areas of my life. Study them and think about them, maybe they will work for you too.
6 GUIDELINES FOR SETTING BOUNDARIES
HAVE CLEARLY DEFINED EXPECTATIONS.
CLEARLY DEFINED CONSEQUENCES THAT DONT DISRUPT YOUR SERENITY.
SET THEM CLEARLY.
COMMUNICATE THEM THEMCLEARLY.
ENFORCE THEM CONSISTENTLY.
WITHOUT REGARD FOR THE RELATIONSHIP (RELEASE ANY EXPECTATIONS ABOUT THE OUTCOME).
Boundaries are to protect you. Not to control someone else. No one respects an empty threat, so make sure it is something you can follow through on.
The boundaries are for YOU. In time u may change/alter them to suit you or the circumstance. When u out grow a boundary and dont need it anymore - u will know that too.
Detachment allows me to disagree and not try to control the outcome. Anonymous
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Hi Gail, heres a big (((((((((((((((hug))))))))))))))))) from me.
Ive only recently found peace from the sadness of lost dreams, I worked through a lot of stuff at my f2f and gradually let go. This brought profound grief and I could never have done it alone....but I knew I had to go through it to start to heal.
You said I would like to find out if mine and hubby's problems are steming from the A son living so close
I know for me, as his disease progressed, I put my Ason above all else. Hes 33 now and until a few months ago was living with us. Aism settled comfortably into his life in his early 20s when he lived away from home, we had no idea what was going on but as his life started to fall apart he returned and settled comfortably in, the worse he got the more I went into fierce protective mode, mother love went into battle!! It was my will be done because I had all the solutions and took complete control. Mrs fixit to the rescue. My husband was quietly falling apart in the background, not unseen by me, but ignored because I couldnt cope...I withheld affection because I was sick and tired and I pushed him away when he tried to help me, so I made him feel useless....any responses to him were usually barked back at him. Not good. My daughter had a failing marriage for a year before she told me as she didnt want to add to my woes....I did notice she had got very thin but thought it was worry about her brother !.......I neglected friends and other family members .
Now, today, with a yr of Al-Anon tools in the box to help meI have recently made amends to most to the best of my ability, but I had to start with me.....my self neglect was immense. I was living in a very lonely place in my marriage and my life, a place of my own making, while thinking I was holding everything together it was all crumbling away. Things are getting back on track, we are damaged by this disease, its rocked our foundations but we have been together 36 yrs and plan to stay together.... We now have boundaries in place to protect us and have turned the focus back on ourselves and I like it that way.
If I let go of the programme for too long the demons settle back comfortably. Im finding it immense hard work and some days Im still completely overwhelmed and exhausted..... but help is forthcoming if I ask for it, I dont have to struggle alone again ever.....the control freak is loosening the reigns!!
LOTS of good ESH. So instead of adding to it I just wanted to send extra hugs, love and blessings to you. This too will pass my friend. In the meantime, do something extra nice for yourself. You deserve it.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
So, I know I am just feeling sorry for myself and when I don't go to Alanon meetings I get into this negative self talk. Here is where it took me:
...yeah, like that's going to happen. I would like to find out if mine and hubby's problems are steming from the A son living so close. 
.
That was last Feb. In Oct they got stopped after leaving the bar and he was arrested for his 3rd DWI..while on parole.... my daughter tested drunker then he did so she couldn't drive home. So they spent their 1st anniversary with him in jail !!!! Still don't know what will happen there..$8000 spent on a lawyer !!!!!! AND, that grandaughter is now 17 and expecting my 1st great grandchild.
) 
