The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hi. My husband and I had a long, tearful (drunken for him) talk last night where he said several things that scared me: He said he wanted to die in his sleep. He told me I should divorce him because he can't ever get sober. He told me that he has "secrets". He said that I have never seen him sober.
I'm stunned. I knew he was a binge drinker, but I didn't know all of this. I have no clue how to start - here on this board and in general in life.
Please give me some direction. Where do I start? However small the step.
Thanks in advance!
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**Constantly trying to drag a horse to water who doesn't want to drink only results in an angry horse and blistered hands.**
this is a great place. Read as much as you can of this board through the archives. You will find many many people there who were once in the exact same place you are now.
Rockabettie, you have emabarked upon a long, difficult path and I'm glad you have found your way here. You are among friends, most of whom have gone or are going through the same situation as you are. We cannot tell you what to do - everyone and every situation is different. We can only hold your hand while you choose what you want to do.
Come here and vent when you feel the need - it is a safe place for you to do so. Try to find Alanon meetings in your area because, as much as on-line, virtual support is wonderful, it cannot take the place of real-life, face to face support. And, as everybody will tell you - look after yourself - you are the mosr important person in this scenario and you need to take care of you.
Keep coming back - try the chatroom and the on-line meetings. You need to take all he help you can get.
RockaBetty, I am so glad you have found us. As others have suggested, face-to-face meetings in your own town are also so helpful. Some of them have childcare too. Try several meetings to get a feel for which ones are right for you. There are also online meetings here, but nothing beats the support of folks in your own town.
What you'll want to do, I think, is to learn all you can about alcoholism (reading through all the threads on the boards helps with that, as well as going to meetings and reading the literature they give out. Many people also value the book "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drew.) As part of their program, many people get a sponsor at their face-to-face meeting and their sponsor helps them work through the steps formally. This is a very helpful way of getting a deeper understanding of how to move forward.
Al-Anon is a way of helping us put the focus back on ourselves and what we can do to support ourselves and live in serenity, whether or not our alcoholic continues to drink, whether or not we continue to stay with the alcoholic. (Many people do stay, many people don't; many A's continue to drink, quite a number don't -- but the decision to stop drinking comes on their own time, not on ours!)
I had known that my husband had a drinking problem -- he is/was also a binge drinker, which is not as obvious as someone who drinks and passes out every day. But I thought he had put it behind him. I also found out that he hadn't when I was about 30 weeks pregnant. Oh boy, was that a shock.
One thing I've realized since is that even with a husband who's completely sober and helpful, it does really take a village to raise a child. You need the support of other moms, older people who have experience, friends who can listen to you vent your frustrations, and family if you have reliable family around. (I didn't have any.) You need a whole network of people, in ways that you don't so much when you don't have children. Fortunately other parents recognize this too, and they start to band together. If there's a Birth-to-Three group in your town, you might look into joining that. And just make contact with all the support you can, even mother's groups online. Because your husband would only be a part of your support network, even if he were totally sober. It takes more than a husband! The other new parents will also be feeling this.
You do have a double whammy, because you'll be adjusting to having a baby as well as thinking how to move forward with this news from your husband. It sounds a little bit promising that he's confessed this to you. My husband never admitted for one tiny minute that his drinking was ever a problem. But whatever your husband decides to do, take care of yourself. Keep coming back.
Welcome to MIP. We are here to support you and share our stories with you and let you know that you have come to the right place to start healing. You have just had some major shocks and I am sure rocked to your core right now. Canadianguy has an offer for a free book called, Getting them Sober. I personally have read it and it is a fantastic book. He will send it to you free of charge. Just private message him with your info and he will get a book off to you. That's what I did. I also come here and sometimes I just read posts and other times I post on here. It helps to get stuff off of my chest sometimes to come here and just post. I get so many helpful responses and so much support and just knowing that I am not alone in this crazy journey really helps. It is a scary place to be in right now, with the baby and all. But I think coming here was a great start and others will respond to your post too. Take care of yourself, first and foremost. If you don't who will? Right? He seems to be in a world of self pity right now and looking for some support, since he has come clean about his drinking to you. It's a tough road you are on and we are here to support you through this. He can look up AA for himself, if he so chooses. He can get support there. I hope you find some comfort here on the board and maybe some guidance on how to take care of you first.
Other than reading posts and communicating on here, please see if you can locate an Al-Anon meeting you can attend in person. There is where you will find great help and information from people who understand.
You can also usually find Al-Anon literature at those meetings which are so very helpful.
Glad you are reaching out.
The following link will take you to Al-Anon's world service web site where you can look for a meeting near you.
Can't say it much better than the other did. You found the right place and One Day at a Time things can get better - whatever that looks like for you.
Congratulations on the baby on the way! Take it easy, now is a good time to relax. Let me tell ya, the next 18+ years will keep you hoppin'! (Mine is about to turn 18)
We are here for you. Come laugh with us, cry with us, scream at us - we understand and will be here to hold your hand.
Al-Anon is a wonderful program. I hope you keep coming back.
Tricia
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To be trusted is a greater compliment than being loved.
Loving your sign in name and loving your signature. You have made the first step all on your own. Realizing you need help and seeking it out is awesome. Your unborn child needs you to be as strong as you can.
You are just beginning your journey in the understanding of alcoholism. Your husband has given you the gift of honesty. Yes, he has shattered the denial in your family, you are both confused and shocked, but he has given you both a gift.
What next? What to do with this awareness? Get some help from others who understand. Educate yourself about alcoholism, learn about the 3 C's ( didn't cause it, can't control or cure it), learn about the 12 steps of alanon, and how they can help you look after you and your baby.
Most importantly, please keep reaching out. We are here for you,
You have already started your here . welcome . please find meetings for yourself u need support u cannot do this alone nor do u have to . If i had a dime for everytime i heard those words u said your husb uttered last nite I would be rich , we had those conversations many times and got no where .. i stayed up half the nite reasuring him he was a good man , and going to bed hopeful that maybe this time == and he wouldnt remember having the talk . finally I simply said to him when he started the speil , I am sorry u have to keep doing this to yourself and walked away . leave the guilt and pain with him where it belongs and he may hit his bottom .. every time we save them we allow this disease to continue .. this is progressive and it only gets worse never better . Until he says enough , there is never enough .. alcohol is runing his life at the moment , this is his trip leave it with him . You are going to have a baby and need to focus on your needs so u can look after baby .. Al-Anon will help .. there is always hope and yes they can recover .. take care of yourself . u have to become a priority to yourself .
i understand how you feel my partner is analcholic he is four months sober iam newly to the alanon family group fellowship you can go there if your husband is drinking or not you will be able to understand him and it will help you spiritually it has helped me i was four months pregnant with twins i was going to be a first time mother but my body couldnt carry two babies im devastated since going to alanon i feel better though i cry my self to sleep if you live in glasgow ill give u dates and times oof meetings
Welcome to the MIP family. Here you will find great experience, hope, strength, wisdom and humor (good for the ). Lots of good suggestions here. You are not alone. Plenty of us have been right where you are. I know all of this can be overwhelming, but hang in there with us. Life does get better. If you look at the top of these posts, Canadianguy has a very special and generous book offer. It's free. It will really help you. Meanwhile, congrats on your baby. That's always exciting. Please keep coming back to us. Much love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty <--the cat
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Here you will find great experience, hope, strength, wisdom and humor (good for the 
). Lots of good suggestions here. You are not alone. Plenty of us have been right where you are. I know all of this can be overwhelming, but hang in there with us. Life does get better. If you look at the top of these posts, Canadianguy has a very special and generous book offer. It's free. It will really help you. Meanwhile, congrats on your baby. That's always exciting. Please keep coming back to us. Much love and blessings to you and your family.