The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I've been off the board for some time. But I have found and moved into my own apartment. I don't have Internet connection there, so am posting at work, but need some support.
I woke up this morning with this intense feeling of sadness and emptiness. I felt sick to my stomach that he wasn't there. It felt like a huge, gaping hole. I can't remember the last time I woke up and he wasn't physically living with me. It hurts alot.
We are still speaking and I am still confused, but more so I am sad and I feel alone and I sense that being alone with myself is the problem. This whole move seems to be bringing up alot of feelings of abandonment and sadness.
I am 3 years out from leaving the ex a. When I first left him I felt as you do now. I no longer feel that way. There is a way through the pain and abandonment. One thing is to not abandon yourself and take extra care through this time.
Three words of advice this morning...."journal, journal, journal"... :)
For me, I was sad and lonely and feeling down for a long while after splitting, but it really wasn't "her" I was missing.... I was missing the concept of her, and/or a healthy relationship. Journalling helps keep us honest with ourselves.... You've shared enough about "him", and what he may or may not have brought to the relationship... I guess it's time to self-reflect as to whether you are truly missing "him", or are you missing "what you want him to be". For me, those were two distinctly different things, and once I accepted that, I was more able to move on....
Take care tom
-- Edited by canadianguy on Tuesday 9th of March 2010 12:51:40 PM
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Congrats on the new place. I understand how you feel, I too was once there. I know you feel like you miss him, but I agree with CG, that it is probably the concept of him. I am sure you don't miss the chaos, if you had it. But you must have had issues that were difficult to deal with, since you said you feel confused. You have to take care of yourself and I think journaling is a great way to sort out feelings and understand yourself better. Of course coming here to the board to post and get feedback helps too. We are always here for you. Keep coming back and keep us up dated.
I know that feeling very well. That yawning gulf of "abandonment." It's funny that it feels like abandonment even when I'm the one who made the choice to leave. But really the A had left long before, because he'd gone into his disease and wasn't available for the relationship. It's funny that I didn't feel the full impact until he was no longer around physically. I think it was the hope that he would change back into the person he seemed to be before I knew him so well!
I finally realized that this stage of things, the terrible fears and aloneness, were what was keeping me in the relationship with people who were bad for me. It wasn't that the relationship was so good (at many times it was terrible). It's that I panicked about going through that stage of feeling abandoned. And so I stayed with people who ran down my self-esteem and ignored me and blamed me and made me feel awful. I remind myself of this when that feeling starts to come on: "Oh yeah, this is the feeling that kept me from moving on and finding someone who cares for me. This is that false feeling that has kept me stuck."
I find it's worse at certain times of day, in my case just at bedtime. Now I try to say, "Oh, it's predictable that I would feel that way now. I won't think about it now. I'll think about it in the morning." Then the morning comes and I feel pretty cheerful. I think it just sneaks up on us and tries to grab us when we're tired and low -- just when alcohol tries to sneak up on alcoholics.
Congratulations on making it through what was probably really difficult, but in the end I would have to guess will really benefit you. Sometimes doing what's best for us really feels bad - especially if we are not used to doing it!!
I agree with CG. Previously I was not one for journaling, but it is something new I am trying and it is working great! It truly does help me stay in reality. Reality of my part and reality of who the other person is, not the fantasy of who I want them to be or who I have convinced myself they are. It makes it easier to separate the good intentions from the true actions.
Keep coming back. One Day at a Time. We are here for you.
tlc
__________________
To be trusted is a greater compliment than being loved.
I am so proud of you for finding your own place - for starting over.
I understand the gaping whole...luckily, I didn't live with my ex-ABF but I am still working out how to communicate with him...should I even communicate/hang out/do stuff for him?
I have read almost everything you have posted over the past year and have pulled so much strength from your shares.
i am sharing this experience with you - and it gets easier as time goes on. concentrate on being good to you, look after yourself, give yourself all the tlc you have missed out on and have faith. your HP will guide you to do the right thing for you. remember why you left in the first place. this will give you the strength to travel your road to recovery. ((((hugs))))
Hey sweetie, I'm just going to say what everyone else has said. Time heals all wounds, even though it doesn't seem like it right now. When I moved out and left my ex AH I was devastated, I made a list of reasons not to go there again. All the little things he did to hurt me and every time I felt sad and alone I would review them. I started taking classes and filling up my time with other people and activities. Slowly I started to see him how he really is, almost as if the brainwashing faded. Finally, I got to the point where I didn't want that anymore. Then with my last bf - the love of my life. When he left me I was even more devastated than when my AH left. Everything seemed perfect and we had one fight and he abandoned me completely. I was heartbroken and I had nightmares, woke up in the middle of the night searching for him, drove by his house, talked about nothing but him to everyone I knew, cried most of the day for months after, I was completely destroyed. Now almost seven months later I feel better. I still feel a little twinge of hurt by what he did and how he behaved but I feel my life is full and whole again without him. Start building a good group of friends, have a friend for every occasion, a karaoke friend, a garage sale friend, a beach friend, a dancing friend, etc. Fill up your time with people who care about you and try to realize, although it's hard in the beginning, everything happens for a reason and if this didn't happen then the next great thing in your life could never happen. You don't know what's coming around the bend from one moment to the next! Try to get excited about the mystery that is your future rather than the sadness that is now your past.
First - a huge pat on the back for taking the action you needed/wanted and getting your own place! That's so awesome, and a part of me is jealous, as I feel I'm stuck right now due to my own insecurities and fears. So - congratulations and give yourself a reward for moving forward.
For me, when I begin to feel sadness, loneliness and/or abandoned, I can often find the source of that feel from fear. While I appear strong/solid often on the outside, it's a style I developed when I was younger, and it serves me well enough that I've kept it...LOL!
But - I'm learning - when I've got negative energy within me that is emulating outward as sadness, depression or the like, it's often fear based.
Fear of the unknown. Fear of the future. Fear of failure. Fear of finances.
All of which, I know in my head I can't control, change or influence directly. However, that doesn't fix how my heart feels and/or is processing.
I am a huge fan of journaling as CG as suggested. I am not religious about it, but when I'm stuck or down, I often journal - letter to self, letter to God, letter to A(s) - writing always helps me release some of that negative energy.
I am also not ashamed to share any longer. I am open in meetings as well as in my circle of support. It's OK for me to say, OK - when folks ask how I am or Feeling Down or ....
Know that we're all just a post away. Know that I've got you in my prayers, and hope you find the strength, just for today, to love you and treat yourself to something special - you deserve it! Thank you for your share!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Good for you to take such a big step in your own recovery. I know it's hard. Watching your progress is inspirational. ;)
I went through a divorce from my exAH ... I went back and forth about whether to stay or go, and pulled him back in and then kicked him back out several times. When he wasn't there I missed him so much. In hindsight, I realize that it wasn't "him" that I missed so much, as a previous poster said. It was the idea of him and of what I thought he was capable of being if he would only change and be nicer and treat me better and be completely different than he was. I realized later that the reality of the situation was nothing at all like the idea of what I wanted it to be, and what I was grieving was the loss of my fantasy, not the loss of my exAH.
Don't know if this helps any ... take what you like and leave the rest.
It is all of the above. Time heals slowly. I have been by myself for 5 years. I do miss him. I miss his essence and when he could be there for me. However, I think that my HP wanted me to experience being alone. Maybe to toughen me up. It is necessary. We will survive.
Congrats on your new place. It's been almost 1 1/2 years since my beloved Tim past away. I know that sense of empitness. I also remembered what it felt like when I told him to leave. You're in mourning for what was. That's okay. In time you will learn the difference between being alone and being lonely. You will enjoy making your new place your own.
When it gets really quiet and you feel uneasy, try and remember what the chaos was like. Then stop and look around you and relish in the serenity surrounding you. If that doesn't work, then try something else. Sometimes when I find myself "thinking too much" I have to refocus my brain. I will do a really hard crossword puzzle, chase the cat around, or work on a really hard recipe. Anything that would make me laugh or require my full attention. It usually works. Soon I find that the time has passed and I am no longer lonely or letting that "stinking thinking" enter my brain. Trust me I am THE MASTER at playing the "what if game." These are the things that have worked me. I hope they will for you. Much love and blessings to you. All will be well.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
-- Edited by Karilynn on Wednesday 10th of March 2010 11:08:05 AM
__________________
It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
