The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Life is not going to go how I "want" it to go it's going to go how it goes.
I really don't WANT to fix everyone's problems
My thoughts for the day :)
My new good friend (ex AH's most recent new ex gf) is a Buddhist and we were having this great discussion about how there is a price for everything. No matter how good something is it will be balanced by bad, no matter how sad you are you will eventually have happiness, etc. It was interesting because I was telling her about how when I think about my ex boyfriend who I am still certain was the love of my life my stomach churns and I feel sick inside. And we talked about the price that must be paid for love, for a relationship, and how there is always a tradeoff. This sick feeling now is the price for the joy I had when I was with him. It was very stimulating thought provoking conversation really. All you can do is roll with the waves of life and try to be as happy as you can in any given situation.
When I read your post I thought of Acceptance and Life on Life's Terms.
Before learning the tools of alanon, I intellectually embraced the message of Spiritual Practices that shared the messages like the one you were discussing with your friend.
Intellectually I was fine but emotionally I always ran into trouble.
I wanted to control, I wanted it my way and if It did not happen I went to anger resentment, self pity and fear.
With alanon tools: Steps, Prayer, Living ODAT, Sharing, Not Projecting I can now accept life with Courage, Serenity and Wisdom My actions reflect that center. I no longer need to use my old destructive tools.
I could not get there without the tools alanon offered me and I am eternally grateful.
-- Edited by hotrod on Monday 8th of March 2010 03:32:38 PM
-- Edited by hotrod on Monday 8th of March 2010 03:34:30 PM
I don't actually think a relationship needs to be great joy and great pain in order to qualify as a great love. I would hope to have less dramatic relationships in fact I don't tolerate having anything else.
I also don't really think of any former partner/husband or one that got away as the "love of my life". Few people have relatonships that last a lifetime. Some do and I am certain the relationship changed and evolved over time. Many many people do not have loving relationships but stay on and put on a great front for others.
In addictive terms a relationship that is instant, dramatic and fragile isn't necessarily a mature loving relationship one that will stand the course of a lifetime and the necessity of taking care of oneself while relating to another,. Like hotrod, the al anon tools have helped me a great deal in setting boundaries, seeing reality (rather than an idealized fantasy) and being able for once to not let my needs blind me to make catastrophic choices.
I have found those sentiments to be true. The more passionate and wonderful things are, the more passionate the fights are. I have found being closer to the center, not getting to attached, dependent, or excited about the good, makes the bad a little more bearable as well. I am trying to tone everything down. Wow, this is nice - I feel calm, warm and fuzzy right now, I am enjoying this now, this moment is just a moment and won't last forever....I mean hey, I at least have to go back to work at some point (LOL)....instead of ....
OMG THIS IS THE LOVE OF MY LIFE AND IT DOESN'T GET ANY BETTER THAN THIS AND I CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT THIS PERSON AND I HAVE NEVER FELT THIS GOOD IN MY LIFE AND WHAT CAN I POSSIBLY DO TO KEEP THIS GOING FOREVER. I DON'T WANT THIS TO STOP FOR A SINGLE SECOND!! DON'T LEAVE, I CAN'T STAND A MOMENT WITHOUT YOU...
Not at all saying you were there . . . but I sure was. That is a pretty hard thing to keep going and a pretty high plateau to fall from. Makes the sudden stop (reality) at the bottom REALLY painful...
tlc
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To be trusted is a greater compliment than being loved.
Ya, tlc u summed it up for me right there. I felt like the coyote falling off the high mesa and going splat on the ground right before the giant rock from my roadrunner trap landed on top of me crushing me irrevocably. I still feel he was the love of my life but I also realize that it is what it is and for whatever reason we can't be together. I'm not stuck in a place of hoping he will come back, I'm going on with my life and about my business. Always, the more time goes by the more clarity I get on a situation, I wish I could learn to stop myself in the middle of something and think rather than it coming in hindsight. I don't know how to shelter my heart and still feel the passion.
(((CG))) - I wanted to say congrats. on your continued weight loss! I've been watching/tracking as you post and WOW - GR8 JOB!!!
Thank you for the list of things to remember....so very powerful and not too hard to digest!
Definitely applies to me!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I don't think it is a "right" or a "wrong" relationship. Every day there is a chance to grow and do better. There is no question you have achieved that.
I used to feel deeply deeply ashamed of my choices now I understand them and have compassion not just for me but for the other person too. I may not want to see them again but I have compassion for them.
