The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
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Today I had to do the hardest thing a mother should have to do. I had to turn my son (25yrs) out in the cold. No money, no job and no place to go.. I have cried all day and I just want to know if I have done the right thing. He has been a substance abuser for the past 5 yrs. I have bailed him out time and time again. He has been baker acted for trying to commit suicide 6 times. He went to Georgia 4 months ago to live with his substance abuser father. Something I had sheltered my son from since he was two. He showed up at my moms house on Friday no call just showed up and really expected us to take him in. Just tell me that I did the right thing by saying NO!
oh my! what a tough decision that must have been! we cannot and should not say if it was right or wrong here. what we can say is that part of the programme is to lay down boundaries. if you have applied one of your boundaries to a particular situation then you need to be comfortable with your decision. whether your son is an A or substance abuser or whatever is of no consequence here other than part of the "addict" will play on the emotions of those who care most about him and will take for granted that the love and help will be there. that is the nature of the beast. plain and simple. you have no control over it, you certainly didnt cause it and you cannot cure it. only your son can put his life right again - if he choses to and when he is ready. in my own experience with an AH i have found that by closing off some of the avenues open to him he has had to take stock of himself and do things for himself that i would normally have done. As mothers (i have 5 children) we have the added complication of wanting to fix our children when they are broken. it is a bumpy road that you are going down but we are all here to help and support you in your recovery. look after yourself and let your HP take care of the rest. (((((hugs))))))
Aloha Moon...you did the best you could and have been for a while. Time now to continue and trust your Higher Power. Your son isn't your Higher Power though he might have been getting more effort and responsibility out of you and the family than from himself. He is responsible for his condition even more because he knows that his condition is and how he got there. Lead him to the phone book the next time you see him and have him contact NA (Narcotics Anonymous) or AA (Alcoholics Anonymous) because they know best where he is at and how he can come out of it one day at a time. You don't unless you are attending A program like Al-Anon which uses and works the same 12 step 12 tradition program as AA from a different angle. I encourage you to find the hotline phone number in the same phone book and call Al-Anon for the meeting places and times so that you can come and sit with the people we have that saved our sanities and lives also. Get as much literature about alcoholism and addiction that you can get your hands on and learn about why we are powerless over it and have to do something different than what we have been doing.
It's a miracle you found this site...Continue to use it. In support (((((hugs)))))
I have been to Al non meetings. They are great. I know that i am not the only mother that has been dealing with this kind of behavior. It's just comforting to know that I am not a bad person for finally saying no to someone I love so deeply. I believe that by me saying NO he will one day Thank me for it. I know that I in the past did interfer with the HP. I no longer want to own this situation. By the Grace of HP I will get through the decision I have made. I thank you for your wisdom.
I just got a call from the hosiptal, my son called the cops on himself and said he was suicidal. So the saga continues. I spoke to him and he said, At least I am where people care about me and I am not sleeping under a tree. That I don't care about him and it is basically my fault. I told him he had NO idea what I am going through. It doesn't seem to matter to him. He blames my boyfriend (who is a very nice man) that I didn't take him back. I have to younger children 16 and 12 that need me. They to have been through this rollercoaster ride. Any advice will be appreciated.. Light and Love Moonchild.
Sometimes the best thing we can do for the alcoholic of addict in our life is absolutely nothing. You did the best thing for yourself by turning your son over to HP. Your son is now in the best hands he can be. You will never find and A who finds his way and becomes sober, ever say that he was saved by his Mom. He and only he is responsible for his actions and his choices. There is plenty of free help available for him in the rooms of NA and AA and you could encourage him to find a meeting. When we turn our A's over to HP and then get out of his way, miracles can happen.
Please consider getting back to some f2f meetings as soon as you can. You need the support you will find there from members who understand what you are going through. It's time for you to start taking care of you---and you deserve it.
Keep posting on MIP, you will find tons of ES&H here from many members who have walked in your shoes. Welcome and keep coming back.
HUGS, RLC
-- Edited by RLC on Sunday 7th of March 2010 08:04:12 PM
Thank You so much ! I will keep returning because I do know that HP will help my son. It's funny and Ironic that I teach Metaphysics and am a Spiritual Medium. I have given the same advice to my clients. I struggle in not being able to help my own child. My son knows the laws of the Universe very well. He grew up in a very stable and loving home. He had a Beautiful future and chose the pills and booze over it. I do let go and let Goddess !!! Everyday of my life. I know that is the only way our Miracle will happen. BUT, it still is a very painful to watch or hear your child is a lost Soul. Hugs to you and I embrace your support.
I truly understand your pain and am glad that your son is in a safe place. Keep coming here , to alanon meetings. Prayer and trusting HP, one day at a time will serve you well during this difficult time.
Sharing here or at meetings truly helps.
Your son is on his own Spiritual path and sometimes it is difficult . I will pray for both of you
-- Edited by hotrod on Sunday 7th of March 2010 09:26:10 PM
When and if your son indicates he would like some help to address his alcoholism and/or addiction, provide him with my web site address and tell him to call me for an intake interview. It's okay to let go and let God, and in doing that all we can do is show someone an alternative to what they are experiencing, and then its between them and HP whether or not it is what they really want.
If he is serious, I'll be serious about helping him.
John
http://mip.12stepforums.net
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" And what did we gain? A new life, with purpose, meaning and constant progress, and all the contentment and fulfillment that comes from such growth."
when I stopped actively helping the ex a it was in some ways the beginning of working on me. His addiction took him to the same lows your son has, homelessness and despair. Nothing but nothing I did stopped him.
I am so glad you are here in this warm and loving place to share your sadness and fear.
Moonchild I so feel your pain. My son 21 also an addict. He was aressested ovr a year ago for possesion and had he only complied with the probation he could have gone on to a productive life. But he chose to get high time and again. At first we lived with the chaos ( thought we were protecting him) let him live at home. He lost all his jobs, his firends are long gone so I kept thinking that throwing him out of the house was unthinkable. In the meantime I was getting sicker and sicker as he was going about his business of being as addict. Finally thru this program I got stronger and started turning him in to his PO when he would come home high. They would come take him to jail. And my thoughts were "at least he is not on the streets" Judge finally ordered him to rehab and we thought all our prayers had been answered. We thought we made it clear he couldn't return home until he had been in rehab long enough to go out , look for a job and a place to live. Well thats not how it turned out after 30 days they cut him loose because " they needed the bed". To my sons credit he begged to stay he knew he wasnt ready, we begged for him to stay it fell on deaf ears. So of course he relapsed quickly. We sat him down and told him if he continued to use he would have to leave our home. No more chances we had already given him 5 years of chances. we told him if he chose to get high we would take him to a shelter and he could live his life as he chose. He agreed of course. Then went out and got high. I couldn't have been more devestated. I cried my eyes out as I packed his things. I had to call his PO as they have to be notified of and change of residence. His PO said keep him there we will come get him. And they did..back to jail. Judge ordered him 6 months in the jail rehab unit where he is today. We have reinforced over and over to him he will not be coming home upon release. During his last moth there he will be allowed to leave the jail on day passes to look for a job, a place to live and start intensive outpatient treatment. believe me when I tell you my husband and I cry and pray over this decision everyday hoping we are doing the right thing. I have found a sober living home and put his name on the list so we pray that they will accept him upon release but if not I have no idea what will happen. I should mention that he has OD'd several times and once said he was trying to kill himself. When he is backed into a corner he will threaten sucicde. I finally told him he is already killing himself and his father and I can not longer watch it happen. I know this is long amd rambling.... in his heart i know my son wants to get better and i feel like a failure as a mother that i can't fix this for him. You are not alone in this situation... I feel your pain all to well Blessings to you and your son Please keep coming back and keep us posted
hello my name is shell iam very new to alanon i have read what you said im really sorry to hear what you had to do i had a member of my family in that position he was shoplifting stealing from our family so we had to let him go out of our lives so when he got clean and sober we let him back into our lives he was a bad person to be around when he was like that but he has a job now so i know where you are coming from if you hadnt kicked him out he would have stole of you if you go to alanon you will get so much out of it i have been going for a month and i have got alot out of people sharing their stories and the first meeting i went to i never shared my story i have done at every meeting since the people are so welcoming and they are going through the same as us so i would suggest you go to a few and see how you like them im in scotland
Hello... Thank you all for your support... Today was very difficult, I kept cathcing myself wanting to reach out and help my son. In my mind I am trying to think of people who would take him in. I fought with the thought all day long. Why do I feel the need to fix him? When I truily KNOW that I am not the one to do it. I see how it is hurting me and the family around me. GOD , the worry takes every ounce of energy from me. I look forward to feeling Peaceful again. I have to keep reminding myself that this is my sons journey NOT mine. Not so easy.. But if it is going to make him a good man then I will do it. With ALL of your help. Again, Thank You !
Aloha again Moon...Learning to trust a new way of believing and doing is almost impossible but then only almost. I kept going back to what I knew even though it wasn't working (definition of insanity) until I learned first to stop!! listen, learn and practice the new stuff. Al-Anon was very much higher education and it worked as they said it would if I would just be still and listen and practice, practice, practice. I vented...threw the tantrums...raged, screamed and...cried until I was done completely and could only do what I was taught by those who had changed by doing it too. I wanted what they had and I wanted a sober alcoholic wife. By the time she got sober 3+ years had passed and I was happy for her and we loved each other and were no longer married. How strange and how beautiful. We finally arrived at where we should have started and new nothing about. Happens that way sometimes and I am grateful. It didn't kill me. It came very close.
Keep coming back. MIP and Al-Anon is what works if you are willing and work it.
Hi Moonchild, just want to add my welcome to you. Sorry you are going through this and glad to see you have found MIP!
I told my adult Ason to leave a few months ago. I had told him to go many times before, always with fear in my heart. He would go, I would fret day and night, making life hell for me and those around me. He could always find a roof over his head, its amazing how many doors are opened when theres a full bag of bottles being rattled. When the drink or the money ran out and he had exhausted the patience of a variety of other A enablers..... back he came, and I welcomed him with the relief that he was still alive..... as he knew I would... this disease had me held hostage good and proper. Without realising it I lost myself in the insanity of it all, over the years I got sicker and sicker and he carried on drinking....then bottom struck.............not for him but for me.
I found this family group just over a yr ago and soon after, f2f meetings. I saw they worked for the folks here and I had nothing to lose....I had reached step one before I even knew anything about step one!! Its only with what Ive learned in these last months that I found the courage to change the things I didnt know I could.
When I told him to go last time it was as a consequence of boundaries being ignored, and he knew that...... he didnt like it but accepted it. I let him go with love in my heart and no fear. He is living his life as he chooses and I am getting on, best I can, with re-building mine....Ive stepped out of the way to let his HP get at him.
He is currently living in homeless accommodation, he gets free meals from a shelter, and medical care when he needs it. He has once again expressed the desire to stop drinking so the wheels are in motion to get him back to rehab (3rd time) thats if he isn't sent to jail first for a failed breaking and entering escapade. The undercurrent of sadness I find is with me all the time I just have to try and keep it in perspective.
Its tough work clawing my way out of the insanity but better out than in!!!
Like xeno, I too have a son who's afflicted with this disease. He turns 18 this month, and will be leaving our home - by choice or force - time will tell.
This disease has changed him from a sweet person loved by all into a crabby, self-centered, self-destructive person that is not pleasant to be around. He's been in 5 treatment centers, and is currently clean - but not really working a program to stay clean.
We're in the countdown mode - he also has no job, no place to stay and no Plan B (or Plan A for that matter).
The rollercoaster ride of addiction is so far-reaching that we all must do that which we can each day to take care of ourselves. I have another son at home, so all decisions that I encounter must consider him. We owe our families protection from chaos and insanity, if possible, while we take care of 'us'.
You are not alone. He is in a safe place - for today - which is all any of us have. There are no hard/fast rules about detachment/love/etc. - so - as a suggestion, you might want to do some journaling or even write him a card.
Many times, as a mom, when my son was in placement and I did not know what to say, do, think (felt like a tape recorder....) - I'd get a pleasant, simple, thinking of you card. For me, even tho a small thing, it was the reality - I was thinking of him.
It's so very hard for me to detach with love, but I'm working on it slowly. Only with this place (((MIP))) and my HP am I finding some level of success - one day at a time - often - one moment at a time.
We are all here for you!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Hello , I just wanted to say Thank You... This may sound crazy but I am glad that I am not the only one going through this. My heart goes out to All of you. I want you to know that my A son is still in the hosiptal. The are evaluating him, I am hoping that they can find him a Sober House.(rehab). I haven't spoken to him since Saturday. He left me a message saying he was sorry and he Loves me. I've heard it all before. I had a better day today, didn't cry !!!! Goddess Bless Us All in a perfect way.
Moonchild, Something that helped me and I believe my son also. Whenever you pray for peace or anything else for yourself, also pray for that same thing for him.
