The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have been married to my husband for 23 years and feel like I am on a rollercoaster every day of our marriage. I believe that his father was an alcoholic, so I think that has affected him. I was divorced from an alcoholic before I met my husband and I swore that I would never marry another alcoholic. Of course, I met my husband and fell in love with how he treated me(didn't have much self confidence after my first marriage). Long story short, I married him, not listening to my inner voice, because I wanted to help him. He is either the sweetest, apologetic man alive or he is mad at me for everything that I have ever done in my past(and was stupid enough to tell him) and blaming me for his unhappiness. He drinks beer after work every day and then after dinner, most nights, he drinks whiskey and coke by the tumbler and goes to bed early. Says that it is the only way he can get to sleep. If I go to bed when he does, he gets all sleppy and tells me how we shouldn't have gotten married and how he gave up so much for me. I no longer will go to bed (if he has been drinking the tumblers full of booze) until he falls asleep. After he says that stuff about how I am a whore or we shouldn't have gotten married, I feel so empty inside. I have always been faithful to him and have walked on eggshells for 25 years around him trying to make him happy. If he asks me why I am so quiet, I will tell him and he will apologize and tell me that he is sorry and shouldn't say "stupid" things and then begins a "honeymoon period" of a few days until I say something(anything) he doesn't like or some song or something else puts him in the mood of either not talking or lashing out at me verbally, again. Regardless, I can't even enjoy the good times anymore, because I know they won't last. Yesterday, we went for a motorcycle ride with friends and had such a fun time together. When we got home, we were snuggled on the couch and he got up to get another drink and asked me if I wanted anything. I said, "please don't drink whiskey tonight". He jumped up and said "don't start"(I very rarely say anything about his drinking for this very reason)and said that he was going to bed. He left this morning for an all day motorcycle ride with his friends and did not say goodbye. Of couse, I am waiting for him either to ignore me for the next few days or to get angry with me when he comes home. After all of this rambling, my question is this...How do I go to a meeting? The meetings in my neighborhood are on M andW at 8Pm. He won't even admit that he has a problem, so how do i tell him that I am going to an AlAnon meeting? Heck, he even told his Dr. how much he drinks and his Dr. said that everyone copes in their own way! Thanks for letting me ramble. Just venting....
Hello and welcome to MIP! I am so glad you found us.
Though I was not married to my qualifier, our relationship sounded a lot like yours. The emotional rollercoaster. The hurtful words and accusations cut like a knife and I did my fair share as well.
My experience is that he left and I got into recovery. We are now back together after 14 months apart and things are very different for us. I can only speak from my side of the relationship, and my work on myself, doing the 12 step program with a sponsor, and identifying what it is in me that allows that behavior helped me tremendously.
As for going to your meeting, I am not in your relationship so I can't really give you advice how to do this. I can only give you one recommendation based on my experience. Don't lie. Honesty has been at the core of my recovery. Honesty to myself and others. My bf recommended that I go. I did not have to convince him. But my family - they thought I went off the deep end. But I had to stand by what I was doing and not care about what others thought. It is MY LIFE. It is my happiness. It is my serenity. Once I pushed that to the top of my priority list, what other thought, though it still may be hurtful, didn't have as much influence on my decisions.
The utter truth of the matter is that your desire to attend these meeting is purely for you. He may feel that you are going because you are judging him and his drinking, but really - you are going because you are suffering and you want to find a resolution.
I stayed here for a while, posted, read other peoples stories, and there are online meetings here as well. So if you would like to get your feet wet here first it is a perfect place to do it. I personally found that the more time I spent here my resolution around getting to a meeting was solidified.
There is a great sticky at the top of the board about what to expect at your first meeting. That might be helpful too.
Please keep coming back. Whatever your decision we are here without judgment, only support and love.
tlc
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To be trusted is a greater compliment than being loved.
welcome You go to a meeting because you believe he has a problem even though he doesn't and it is affecting you.
Alanon focuses on you and getting you healthy wether the A is drinking ot not. I promise it can only help you to be with people that totally understand exactly what you are going through. Realizing you are not alone anymore is such a relief in it's self. Living with an A we tend to take on the same characterisics and we work the steps just as in AA in order to learn how to live our lives in a healthier way. As far as the doctor sheesh don't even have words to say how obviously uneducated he is in the problem of addiction. Go to the meeting and give us an update There are meetings here online also twice a day if you wish to join us we would love to have you. God Bless
i will echo everything in the previous post sound like you fit the criteria for al anon. I can not put into words what this fellowship has done for me and my family. Its up to you if you share with your partner that you are attending meetings. I was honest with mine from day one. I did not mention alcoholism as he was not admitting at this stage that there was a problem. I just told him I was attending meetings for me because i was unhappy with how much he drank. After the first couple of meetings he asked what we talked about I told him I could not tell him as it was private just like no one else in the meeting would tell people my business. I told him I talked about me and it was not a gang of people bitching about their partners.
He never mentioned it much after that. Today i do not know how I coped without al anon. When I used to speak to family friends they never understood and just told me to ru for the hills. In alanon they do not give advice especialy on relationships. they do say try six meetings if its not for you , you can have your misery back. I did not want to be miserable anymore so kept on going and it has woeked for me. They also suggest in al anon that you do not make any major life changing decisions for about 6 months. Alcoholism is a disease it affects the whole family our minds become muddled. In al anon our thinking becomes clearer so they suggest you waite till you can think a bit clearer.
The short answer is that you don't need his permission to go to a meeting. You also don't need his approval. You may say, "But sometimes he's hard on me and I hate that." He's hard on you anyway, isn't he? He gets after you when you haven't done a thing wrong. So you might as well get some help for you from what you do. So he may (or may not) go off into a sulk, or make catty remarks about your choices. As the saying is, "What other people think of you is none of your business." You don't need him to say yes to your going any more than you need him to say yes to whether you choose to breathe. It's not uncommon that when one person gets healthier, the other person tries to get them to change back. You know when you're on a diet and some unhealthy friend keeps harping on you about why can't you just have some cake? It's like that.
I hope that doesn't sound too tough. I think Al-Anon will be a wonderful support to you. Please take care of yourself!
Thank you all so much for the supportive words. I will let you all know when I do attend a meeting. I will continue to "lurk" around here until I find the courage. Thank you.
Dear Jandlsmom, welcome to MIP and to Alanon. We are a support group of people who either live with or have been affected by alcoholism. In Alanon you will learn to take the focus off your husband and put it back on yourself. Alcoholism effects everyone who loves one and can and will rob you of your self love and self esteem. It would be a pleasure to meet you in a meeting here or in the chat room. We dont judge, we dont advise, we just offer our love and acceptance. Attending a meeting for You may be the best gift you ever give yourself, it sure was for me. Our meetings here are in the chat/meeting room and are held twice a day, maybe that will be easier for you right now then going to in person meetings. Check your time depending on where you live and join us, you will feel so much better once you share and realize that you are no longer alone. Bless you, Love in recovery, grammie
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Serenity isn't freedom from the storm.. It's the peace within the storm...
Aloha Mom...just don't lurk...come into the board and participate. Bring your need here and lay it in front of the others who have been there, done that and learned how to change what they could change. Welcome. The prior post are right on.
Welcome to MIP & Al-Anon. Alanon is about YOU, not about him or his problem. It will give u tools to cope in life and the disease. We who love A's or live with addiction/alcoholism are affected by the disease too and we become sick. So, in alanon you will learn to focus on you, the one person that u can control and change. We become - enmeshed emotionally - together.
A's are master manipulators and loathe themselves. They feed off of drama and emotional energy. When u have a big reaction, they apologize and promise the moon, like u sd hes good for a while and then it begins to get -stir/build- he lashes out at you (bc he hates humself) - so he throws that energy at you. Or he puts you down unmercifully - to allevate himself - say its your fault - so he has an excuse to use/drink. They are always looking for that emotional outburst, whether they have to start a fight to get a reaction from you bc they are so habituated to pushing your buttons. We enalbe them when we have a big reaction - we listen, belive them and buy into it. You will learn how to detach with love and leave this stuff with him, in alanon. It is about you and the effect the drinking is having on you.
We ahve a chat room here at this site, it has 24/7 chat and 2 daily mtg in there. It is wonderful to be able to talk to others who can relate to what ur currenlty going through.
Meeting schedule: Monday-Friday...9 am and 9 pm EST, Saturday: 10am, 9pm EST(newcomers)and 9pm EST, Sunday: 10am and 7pm EST. _____ UK +5 hours, central -1 hour, mountain -2 hours, pacific -3 hours. Open chat all other times.
So, if he ignores you or gets mad - that is his reaction. Focus on you and your feelings. We all get to deal with our own emotions and have them individually. Leave what he is or is not doing - with him and work on and focus on YOU and your program.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Hello and welcome - How do I go to a meeting ?? well u might try saying that his drinking is causing YOU a problem , Iam sure he has told you many times that your the one with the problem = that we over react , exadurate and that we are the reason they drink . Wrong ,nothing we do or say will make anyone drink or stop , we simply are not that powerful .. The booze talk is the hardest to get over telling us how inadequate we are , unfortunatley we believe them and continue to become better people so they won't drink - nothing we do will stop it . I learned that kind of talk was simply a diversion for the alcoholic anything to get the focus off themselves and put the blame on me . Al-Anon is about you and for you , u will learn to detach from Booze talk and let it go , u will learn to set boundaries in your relationship and how to take care of yourself mentally ,physically and spiritually .. I hope u find the courage to attend our meetings , there is nothing u can do about him but alot u can do for yourself . It is possible to get happy regardless of what he is doing . Louise
It shouldn't take a whole lot of courage to attend a meeting, but I know it does. Just put one foot in front of the other and go. You will not regret it. Meetings are for us, the family and friends of problem drinkers.....meaning their drinking causes US a problem. You don't even have to talk. Just go and listen. You will soon know most likely that you are where you belong, in a good safe place.
How long do you want to be alone and miserable with your situation? You will no longer be alone with alanon. :)
You're welcome to join us in the Miracle in Progress room.
