The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have just discovered that my BF of 2 1/2 years has been lying to me (or keeping frome me) that he is staying in hotels by himself and drinking. He indicates that he is terribly unhappy and going through a really diffficult time. There is no doubt in my mind that he has a dependence or addiction to alcohol. His recent abrupt change in behavior (lying about where he is) and his lack of respect for me really has me questioning whether or not there is more going on. Is he cheating? How do I stop focusing on that and accept the fact that either way he has some SERIOUS issues and I should probably move on with my life.
I should say that I spent 9 years with my former BF and discovered he was a sex addict.
How do I heal me and do some proper screening in the future to run far away from addicts? I am so tired of wasting my time and allowing other peoples problems to be my own.
Obviously there is a lot more I can say. I just really need some support right now. I am devestated as I find myself in a relationship that is a lie again.
psynanny - welcome to MIP! So sorry for your situation and no matter what 'he' is doing, you can know that you are not alone. We're all here with the common bond of being affected by the disease of alcoholism. This disease tends to reach beyond the directly affected and the Alanon program provides support and tools to help you/us heal.
I encourage you to read here and look around locally for F2F (face-to-face) meetings. This program teaches us how to move forward and take care of us - no matter what else is going on or who else is doing what.
Glad you are here - and ((((hugs)))) to you!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
What an awesome response! Thank you so much. Reminding me that it is irrelevant what he or anyone else is doing, must focus on myself. I can have what I want - "happiness" by doing what I need to do for me.
Aloha Psynanny...That was a quick wake up!! I ditto what Iamhere offered because that is what was given to me and what worked. I couldn't think my way into recovery using he same head and brain that got me there. "Happiness is an inside job" was once a wakeup and reminder for me given by a member of Alateen. No one else or nothing else is responsible for your happiness. That's your job only. There is a ton of support in the face to face rooms of Al-Anon. Look in the white pages of your local telephone book for the hotline number and call for times and directions and go get and give what saves your sanity. ((((hugs))))
Your question already has wisdom that it took me years to learn -- that it doesn't matter whether he's cheating or "only" an alcoholic -- if he isn't willing or able to be a good partner, detaching is the way to protect yourself. An addict is like someone having an affair -- they're not "present" because they're with the "other," whether the other is a substance or a person.
It takes so many new ways of looking to figure out how we get ourselves in similar relationships time and time again. What I see now about my own relationships is that the clues were there early on. Either I didn't pick up on them because I thought that kind of behavior was normal, or I went straight ahead anyway because I was too thrilled by the romance to protect myself. Early in a relationship, I'd often be confused about whether I was making a big deal of little problems (that did happen), or whether I was minimizing big problems (that also happened). But later on it was very clear what the big problems really were, and my own part in it was that then I had such a hard time walking away. I read somewhere that one reason we get really hooked in is that the love and attention are so variable, that we're hyper-alert to the relationship, trying to get more of it. So we get overfocussed and obsessed. That certainly rings true for me. It is so miserable.
I hope you can keep coming back and supporting and protecting yourself.
I am so appreciate of your responses too Jerry F and Mattie. I am just amazed at the kindness and warmth of folks that are a part of Alanon in some way. It almost seems like a no-fail environment! So supportive. Thank you sincerely.
Jerry F - "happiness is an inside job", boy that is a good one. Also remdining me that my same/current thinking will only get me what I had in the past. I must change my thinking to get what I want and need out of life and what is different from the past. Powerful. So true.
Mattie - I so appreciate your insight and experience you shared with regard to past relationships with addicts. My counselor told me last week when I get out of this current crisis, I really need to dedicate some energy to my new "screening" when it comes to men in the future. Any signs of addiction, essentially run the other way. I now realize while that is so true and important, I am unhealthy too. And without changing me, I could still have an unhealthy/unhappy relationship with someone who is not an addict.
Also Mattie, I could not agree with you more about the part about how we are drawn to the off and on of the relationship. I remember learning in Psych in college that in experiments the best reinforcer was intermittent, not positive reinforcement or negative reinforcement only. But rather, a mixture, as it leaves the (monkey) person coming back for more. They've experienced the good and bad and just know that the good is always coming back around at some point. Does that make sense?
I am a little foggy as my BF is coming back from being out of town again and we are going to have a "come to Jesus" talk this evening about where our relationship is going. The old me would say, boy I sure hope he agrees to get help and/or go to treatment. I now realize with the grace of Alanon that it doesn't matter what he does or doesn't do. I need to do me. I need to find my truth and not have expectations or try to manipulate his decisions. He is his own person and has to find his truth in his own time. This is incredibly difficult as I love him dearly. He is an amazing person. He has been through things in his life that noone should have to experience. Yet, it is not my responsibility to guide him through the pain and ensure that he makes the best of the rest of his life. I can only encourage and support. The rest is his.
Man this program is amazing! Love you all!
-- Edited by psynanny on Saturday 6th of March 2010 11:34:46 AM
-- Edited by psynanny on Saturday 6th of March 2010 11:36:48 AM
"I now realize with the grace of Alanon that it doesn't matter what he does or doesn't do. I need to do me. I need to find my truth and not have expectations or try to manipulate his decisions. He is his own person and has to find his truth in his own time."-psynanny
Wow! This is program for me in a nut shell (aside from working the steps) ~ focus on me, detach with love from others, mind my own business, zero expectations (no focusing on outcomes) - being in the right Now (not the future or past) and surrendering to HP/god.
Glad u found us and you're working it!
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
speaking very very personally all my ex's that were a's, dysfunctional and addicts had some very very aparent red flags very early on. I was committed from the first second of the relationship and then so furious I found it hard to let go.
For me I had to learn what a boundary was, how to implement it, how to hold it and how to look for signs rather than ignore them.
I no longer beat myself up that I would not read those signs (they were billboards really). I do acknowlege signs these days. I do take actions that will help me rather than feel I have to help everyone but me and I do forgive myself.
