The material presented
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Hi, I am new to this forum. I have been to a couple of Al anon meetings, but find that its hard to get to any meeting, because of my kids and other commitments. I have come to realize that I can not go through this alone anymore. I need support. I have just come to terms with the fact that I can not change my husband or how much he drinks or when he drinks. I have given ultimatumns and have threatened to leave only to now be faced with the possiblility of following through, but don't know where to start. I feel so tired and sad and at the end of my rope.
Hi (((maplemom)))). First of all, you are not alone! We have all been where you are, worn to a frazzle from dealing with the As in our life. You may already be familiar with the three C's-you didn't CAUSE it, you can't CONTROL it, you can't CURE it. You realize that you can't change your husband or his drinking, that awareness is a good start to your recovery. So is going to meetings. When it's too hard to get to a real life meeting, I recommend the online meetings here. I'm sure others will be along to add their experience, strength and hope. You're in the right place, keep coming back.
Can't say it much better than Pineapple and you two are making me hungry - between pineapples and visions of maple syrup!
MIP is a wonderful place to come for those that can not find or do not have the time to attend meetings. It is very helpful to purchase the Al-Anon literature and work the steps with a sponsor, perhaps you can make it to a meeting or two and find a sponsor to work with that can accommodate your schedule with the kids. Regardless of what you find that works for you, we are here for you. Please keep coming back and sharing. It is a tough time - but easier One Day - or sometimes One Minute/One Hour at a time, depending on how hard we are struggling.
Al-Anon will help you detach from your A, leave him to his problems and finding his own solutions, aids you in identifying what your responsibilities around this are (to you), and finding a more healthy and peaceful way to live in or out of the relationship. It will help you to not get dragged down with him in his struggles, as they are truly his.
Please keep coming back. We are so glad you are here.
Tricia
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To be trusted is a greater compliment than being loved.
Thank you both for your replies. And lol to tlcate, pinapple with maple syrup does sound good, haha. I keep on thinking how I might get to a meeting, but it just won't work, there is one during the day but I would not get home in time for my kids getting home from school. Any in the evening, I have come to the point where I can't rely on my husband to watch the kids anymore. This aspect is something that is actually getting difficult, awhile back I had committed to an activity one evening and husband was going to watch the kids, he promised that he wouldn't drink that day so he can watch the kids and drive daughter to guides, he came home just plastered. I was so embarrassed when I had to call at the very last minute and cancle my plans because my husband was too "sick" to watch kids. I have since been asked if I will attend this district meeting or that function(I am a girl guide leader and need to attend various meeting. The only reply I can come up with is right now my life is too unpredictable and I can't make any commitments. I have know way of knowing what nights husband will come home drunk or not. I don't have baby sitters and can't leave kids with him. I don't know how to say to people, well I might make it if my husband comes home sober. So I understand that I have to work on myself and accept that this is his problem, and his journey, but when it effects me and my children and our safety, how do I accept that. I also don't know what to do when he drives home drunk, as he is putting everyones safety on the road in danger. So how do I let go of trying to control this situation? I like the three Cs. I can accept that I didn't cause it or that I can't cure it, but its so hard to accept that I can't control it, especially when it totally involves my life, my activities, the tranquility of my home. Eg, last night he came home drunk, kids see this, kids see the fight, dinner ruined. I have asked him to not come home if he is drunk so the kids don't see this, I have asked him when he does come home drunk to please just go to bed and not talk to us. I don't want the kids around him if he is drunk. I feel like my head is spinning with all this, I know I have to give up that control, but really can't see how. Is there any way to get a sponser in my area with out attending any meetings? I am in Armstrong BC, if that helps any. Sorry this ended up so long.
Hello and welcome - please find meetings for yourself your worth the effort . perhaps a day time meeting while kids are in schoolwould work for you , this board is great but not enough , u need support from people who can pick up a phone when your having a bad day , or go out for coffee just because . hehe I promise as u start to understand what is happening around you , u will have more energy and time for yourself , when u live with alcoholism every thing looks hopless and we just give up ..except we give up on ourselves and that is not a good thing for anyone . right now u are feeling overwhelmed from doing it all -- a diff perspective will show u how to leave his stuff with him while u look after your own life . I chose to stay in my marriage and I believe that this program is what made that possible ,detach with love and get the focus back on yourself where it belongs .. we do not have to suffer because of someone elses disease it is possible to be happy regardless of what he is doing . The one thing that convinced me to attend meetings was a statement OUR KIDS DESERVE AT LEAST ONE SANE PARENT .. and while I was obsessed with him that just wasnt possible . I had become as sick or sicker emothionally than he was . my kids deserved better . My sons are grown men now and I know that I learned how to become a better parent thanks to this program . Keep comming here but please find meetings for yourself .
-- Edited by abbyal on Thursday 4th of March 2010 02:36:35 PM
There are meetings here online if you cannot get to face-to-face meetings. But face-to-face meetings are good because you can work with a sponsor much more easily, plus find people who can support you locally -- even trade off childcare or the like. In my town two of the meetings offer free childcare. Can you call your local number and ask if any of the meetings in your town do? If that doesn't work, maybe your kids could go over to some of their friends' houses for the evening?
You can't stop your husband from arriving home drunk -- you already know that -- but there is one part you can change, and that's whether there's a fight about it when he gets home. I know that feeling of thinking "If I don't yell at him about the drinking, I'm letting him 'get away' with it." But he already knows you hate it, whether you have a fight or not. It's just that the alcohol is stronger than anything else. Al-Anon helps you learn to detach so that his drinking doesn't ruin everyone's evening. He can go crash in the bedroom or whatever, and you can still have an evening without your kids seeing their parents fight. Remember that you have the power to change things by your changing, not by changing him. I also know that feeling of "Why should I have to change when he's the one who's messing up?" Because you deserve the serenity and peace of being in charge of your own life.
Keep coming back, and I do hope you can look into local meetings.
If you look towards the top left, there's a link to a meeting/chat room. There are meetings most mornings @ 9am EST (8am CST) and 9pm EST (8pm CST).
The online meetings don't replace the F2F meetings, but are AWESOME for continued growth in the program/recovery!
So glad you're here and ... agree with those above me - you are not alone! I will share with you what was shared with me -
- Take care of you - start simple and be easy on yourself.
- Be good to you - do small things that are for you and your forward progress.
- Trust a HP and love yourself!
Glad you're here!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thanks for your replies, I will try to get to a meeting once my kids are off spring break in a couple of weeks. I am on pacific time so that would mean the online meeting would be at 6am or 6pm and in the am I am getting kids ready for school, and in the pm I am in the middle of dinner, homework, getting kids ready for bed. I will try to check out 1 or two this week though as kids aren't in school right now. Thanks for all the thoughts and support, I have such a good feeling from everyone here, and right now am looking forward to letting go of the big weight on my shoulders and working on me and building a healthier stronger family, with or without my husband.
