The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
first of all I grew up without a self protective mechanism in me. My parents did not protect me (and yes I know they were very ill). I never got to internalize boundaries (there were none in my family) or an ability to protect myself. Much of this comes from not being able to really accept and absorb that both my mother and father were incapable of protecting me, taking care of my basic needs and indeed loving in a healthy way (I do think they loved in a very very very unhealthy way).
As a result of not having any self protective mechanism, I've spent my entire life either totally stuffing (that is in denial) things that came up for me. At the same time I've also spent my entire life absolutely over reacting to things. How I've hated it when people pointed out that I over reacted it seemed like they were saying I should stuff it.
Neither of those two defences worked for me. Stuffing my feelings meant that I became ill. Eventually I could not stuff them anymore. At the same time over reacting was equally as exhausting.
I have made a speciality out of over reacting to over reactions by other people. Indeed a lot of time I've spent resenting, obsessing and trying to work out what to do without killing myself in the process.
After a number of years of al anon and in particular this message board and a great deal of time, attention and care from people in the program as well as a ton of therapy, I'm gradually beginning to be able to see something else. For once in my life I'm able to act/react come from a place of centeredness and care and love rather than shame, anger, pain and confusion. I'm not saying I have this down by any means, plenty of things absolutely baffle me and a lot of my life I'm still spending wondering how do I?....
At the same time things that used to send me into outer space with frustration, rage and pain aren't anymore. I can give myself some space, choose my words, choose my emotions and take care.
For me this is very very new, maybe the beginning of patience and a way of being t hat doesn't require being absolutely on overwhelm day and night.
I've put this in a long form because I think its pretty important for me to acknowledge where this came from, what was involved in changing it and how it is still not a given by any means.
Maresie.
-- Edited by maresie on Wednesday 3rd of March 2010 07:55:24 PM
, I'm gradually beginning to be able to see something else. For once in my life I'm able to act/react come from a place of centeredness andcareand love rather than shame, anger, pain and confusion. I'm not saying I have this down by any means, plenty of things absolutely baffle me and a lot of my life I'm still spending wondering how do I?....
At the same time things that used to send me into outer space with frustration, rage and pain aren't anymore. I can give myself some space, choose my words, choose my emotions and take care.
.
-- Edited by maresie on Wednesday 3rd of March 2010 07:55:24 PM
Dear Maresie
Another insightful thought provoking post. I too used Denial and Over Reacting as my default tools to deal with life.
My underlying emotions were anger, resentment, self pity and fear so it is little wonder that I had very few tools to express myself.
Alanon gave me the tools to change the underlying emotions so that I could come at the world and my life from the center of "Serenity" . Thank you fo reminding me. The intense, anger, resentment, self pity and fear being lifted by working the steps.
I must work this program daily, maintining my spiritual and emotional well being and I will not ever have to fall back into the destructive tools that caused so much pain in my life.
"I can give myself some space, choose my words, choose my emotions and take care".-maresie
That is really wonderful! I can relate - I rarely stuffed anything but I most def over reacted a lot of the time. Now when I feel a strong reaction - I try to do just that feel it. Breathe, experience it, quietly and sitting still - breathe lol. When I feel the emotion, instead of getting up & moving around -- acknowledge what feeling it is, sit still.
Now, when I do that - I find I can get over the surge of the energy faster. Then I can begin to talk about it and get it out of me and move on from it much faster. Then I can think clearly and actually have the opportunity to have a response, instead of an automatic reaction. I make better choices when I take my time and feel it through first.
Keep working it (((((( maresie )))))) so glad ur here.
__________________
Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
