The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Last week, my ex-A promised our older daughter he would attend a religious service with the family this evening.This afternoon, he claimed he thought the service was on Friday and he will just take her (not the others) on Friday night.I have to be there this evening with the other two, and therefore, the 10-year-old has to come, too.When she heard he might not come, she spent half an hour crying.He called back a while later, trying to convince me Friday night would work.I let him know she was upset about his decision.No recriminations - just the fact that she was upset that he was breaking the promise he made.I also told him she had to go with me tonight, since she's not old enough to stay home alone, and that she has other plans for Friday - she works as a mother's helper after school and she's going to a school event that night.We'll see if he actually shows up tonight, but I'm continually amazed by how selfish A's can be.He doesn't feel like going tonight, so we should all change our plans.Not going to happen this time! We're going tonight, as planned and he can do whatever he chooses to do; but he'll have to live with the consequences. Linda
I think this might be hard to hear but the total self absorption is part of their illness. I know from the outside it looks like they could care less about anyone else and are completely self absorbed. In fact I think their self absorption is a form of self hate. Somehow they manage to mess up every connection and seem oblivious of the consequences. That is why I believe the 12 steps are so intergral to their recovery as they have to see that others were deeply affected by their actions.
I never known an A that wasn't selfish. For those not in recovery it is all about them and everything and everyone comes in last. Nothing but nothing comes before the drink or the drug. I feel for your little girl... I was in her shoes many times as a kid Prayers and blessings to you and your family
I can certainly relate to your post. Hurting me is one thing, hurting my kid is quite another and can really set me off.
Good job on communicating to your A about your daughter's disappointment and for sticking to your boundaries. This is incredibly hard (at least it is for me), but definitely worth it in the long run as you will gain some self respect, which in turn will be seen by your kids.
Great job!!! You showed us exactly how it is done. Continue with your life, leave him to his consequences.
Yes, it is disappointing - but not worthy of getting all tied up in knots or rearranging our lives. The only ones that hurts is ourselves!
I am sorry your daughter is hurting. Mine has been disappointed many times by others in her life and as much as we want to protect them or take away their hurt - they are going to experience life just as we did. You are a great example for her!
Thank you for that wonderful share!
Tricia
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To be trusted is a greater compliment than being loved.
That's the ways its done Linda...good program. I hope your daughter has less hurtful moments in her life as time goes on and comes to understand along with the rest of us. If you include "Love anyway" in your program some of his consequences will be that he will continue to be loved, find grace and mercy. And you and the family will be better off for it. We get consequences also. (((((hugs)))))
