The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have a grown divorced daughter with 4 girls who moved in with us in August 2009 and who is fighting an addiction to tramadol. She seems to be winning the battle. She met her current boyfriend in detox (cocaine). It seems her newest addiction is him. We have never met him and have no intention of meeting him since we strongly believe she is not ready for any relationship, she needs to work on her relationships with her daughters.
We are about ready to kick her out of our house since she does not seem to want to live by our rules: family meeting once a week, counseling for her and for us, keeping her "apartment" clean, receipts for $ we have given her for misc things She seems to have too many secrets and currently dropped out of school "to get a full-time job"
Are we doing the right thing by kicking her out and letting the children (whom we adore) hopefully go and live with their daddy full-time. He drinks a lot but seems a lot more stable. We have no say as grandparents.
This is so tough. I know that grandparents have no legal rights, but sometimes they can negotiate rights. If the kids' dad does not have custody now, I wonder if he would agree to letting you have custody? I think a lawyer well-versed in these things would be able to give you advice as to how best to negotiate all this. The girls' dad may be a bit better than their mom at this point, but a heavy drinker/alcoholic isn't an ideal parent either, and the stress of full custody is probably not going to make him drink less... Anyway, some drinkers just want to be left alone and to have fewer responsibilities, so that gives me hope that you might negotiate with him to have the kids with you. Of course, I don't know whether you're in a position to do that; of course it's a big job.
I would guess that you're right in thinking that if your daughter stays with you under the current conditions, things will get worse, especially if she sees that your rules are not serious.
Whatever happens, you need and deserve plenty of support. I hope you can get to some face-to-face meetings, and learn all you can about addiction. The people there will have been through many similar things. And keep coming back -- there is much wisdom on these boards.
