The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My ABF rang and told me that he has not drank but did do cocain and thats why he never came down. I am s angrey he can not drink he accepts that but still smoke pot on ocassion and now this. I know its not personal just his road of recovery he has these slips and does seem to learn from each one but its like he has to test each avenue. Well I am a alocoholic but this is not alcohol.
I am not angrey with the slip I understand that it is not personal i can sort of get how his mind is tricking him and he has these slips but learns the consequences are just as bad as if it were alcohol. What gets me angrey is the disregard for me the no contact disappearing. He said he was off his head and again I am reality. I have told him in the past that the disappearing is the worse thing for me. I need time to think what I am going to do about this. I have been getting used to him being sober and not disappearing now it was not alcohol but same crap for me. let down not knowing where he is or what state.
I have fell back off my programme. He has been to a meeting today so have I. His aa buddies have had the chat about he can not touch anything not just alcohol. I am upset with how I have handled this. I have tried really hard to keep myself in check usig my phone, here, meetings. I have not gone as crazy as I used too. But I was still upset on phone and the cold silences. The silences were because i was trying not to let him see how dissapointed I am did not want to feed the guilt in him. So cause I repressed the feeling I got upset. I apologised said I did not want him to feel guilty that i knew it was not personal but that I am still being affected. DAM
Its tough trying to not feed this horrible disease I know what I should be doing. But sometimes my emotions just get the better of me. He is in his mums now suffering the comedown (depressed). They are his consequences and I know he needs to feel the down after the high to amke him not want to do it again.
I really do believe that my partner will make it but I also now it will not happen over night just do not know if I am strong enough. This disease has affected me so much I am sick of pain and sadness but I know he loves me and he is trying.
Right time to get off the pity pot. It could be worse. Think I will go and read take some more of my al anon medicine this disease has got a fight on its hands with me.
Yes, sometimes what happens when they get sober is not so much fun either. My exA would go all silent when anything bad was happening. Finally he learned enough not to be all silent. That was when I found out that I wasn't going to like what he said. He had "improved" enough for me to see the real person underneath the alcoholic -- and that real person wasn't perfect either.
Alcoholism may be a disease but disappearing isn't a disease. There's no obligation to overlook it. Expressing your anger about it probably won't help, I'm guessing, since you've talked about it with him already. I guess the question is: is he a person who makes you feel valued and good?
Angry seems like a pretty reasonable reaction to me. The question is what's next after the anger.
speaking as someone with abandonment issues I always gravitated towards those who abandoned me. One of the issues for me was to stop abandoning myself and get to self regulation. When I find things too painful now I take charge. I'm not willing to go to places of such pain anymore. The roots of my abandonment were in my childhood. I learned to tolerate outrageous behavior, to people please and to give away all my power. Over time I stopped looking for reassurance, help and being available from people who weren't capable of it. As I grew up without it I did not know how to work on getting it.
I know I exhausted myself day in day out trying to get some sense of a relationship from people who were self destructive and unavailable.
the people I have met in Al anon gave me a sense of being accepted as has a therapist and other sources. From that I have stopped allowing myself to be used up spat out and squashed by other people's self destruction.
I dont know if u have access to speaker tapes but if you do check out Scot R - from California , he is an addict and tells it like it is . The only thing I remember from his older tapes is IF YOU GET IN BETWEEN ME AND WHAT I NEED -- YOU HAVE TO GO.
My sister and I were just talking about this same issue. Only she doesn't understand it. My BIL is a crack addict in recovery. He use to drink beer, but has decided that he doesn't want to do anything to jeopardize his recovery. So he stays away from anything that might lower his inhibitions. Because my sister has no program of her own, she doesn't get this. His family w/the exception of a few members don't understand it either. They are constantly trying to get him to "have one w/the family". When he tries and explain to them why he doesn't want to they call him weak. He's on probation and doesn't want to do anything that could send him back to jail. I am very proud of him for that.
You have the benefit of being in recovery and that is what will see you through. Hopefully he will come to understand that he can't place himself in this position. But his recovery is up to him. All you can do is concentrate on yours, as hard as that can be. It's scary I know. I wish you both well in your recoveries. Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
__________________
It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
So he stays away from anything that might lower his inhibitions. Because my sister has no program of her own, she doesn't get this. His family w/the exception of a few members don't understand it either. They are constantly trying to get him to "have one w/the family". When he tries and explain to them why he doesn't want to they call him weak. 
He's on probation and doesn't want to do anything that could send him back to jail. I am very proud of him for that.