The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I know one of the things that kept me stuck on the ex A was his intriguing. Nothing he said made sense, he was full of what he was going to do and how I held him back from doing it. Whatever he wanted to do was unattainable in some way. He was also full of inconsistencies.
I am all too aware of this as I now work with an alcoholic. Just listening to him reminds me of what I went through, nothing he says makes sense. Like the ex A he is full of what he is going to do how he is going to make good. His main occupation in life is drinking so most of it doesn't get done. He doesn't seem to notice that.
I spent years and years trying to make sense of what the ex A did, said and the incongruity.
Needless to say my family of origin is the same. Nothing they say makes sense, they are full of mystery, incompletion and more. I was always hooked on that.
I can't say I am hooked on what the co worker says. I do know I am very uncomfortable around it and his comments get nothing from me...which is why I don't get to hear as many of them!!! I don't query, try to understand or even fake comprehension anymore. For me the ex A's intriguing was comfortable, it was what I grew up with, it was what I knew. I had to get to a place of seeing it as a sign to have a boundary rather than a sign to dive in. I do notice with any A I have to deal with (and I try really hard not to deal with any) that there is always drama, intriguing and nothing seems to make sense around them. There is always the invitation to make sense of it. These days I decline daily, by the hour and by the minute if I need to. I am no longer intrigued, I'm ready to move onto better communication rather than be stuck in the unknown.
Maresie.
-- Edited by maresie on Monday 1st of March 2010 04:48:44 PM
I also love this post Maresie. I've never hear of the chaos and insanity as being intriguing. I was never patient or tolerant enough to inspect or investigate it. It drove me crazy and mad and then I became intriguing. Sooooo glad its past.
Boy can I relate to this Maresie. I hear my A talk about all these plans for the future and I just don't even comment any more. He's going to make all this money, help me pay off my debt, travel and do all of the wonderful things. They are all promises/dreams that I have heard for 18 years from him. It would be so easy for me to sink into those dreams and think they are possible but experience tells me it would be foolish to put to much stock into them.
Oh wow do I relate to this. My exAH kept me intrigued pretty much 24-7. When I'd finally start to question whether he was actually going to do any of the things he said or make good on his promises, he'd talk in circles about how this thing or the other thing needed to happen and then he could make good, or how this thing or the other thing was preventing him from making good. I didn't have a program when I was dealing with him, and I believed him for years and years and got let down and hurt all the time before I just quit trusting him entirely and detached with an axe. I still communicate with him because of our son, but when he starts talking about what he's going to do in the future, how he's going to pay me the 3 years of child support he owes me, get a better job, move to a better place, (all after the probation for his last DUI is over, since that's what's preventing all the good things), I just tune him out. Whatever. It rolls off my back and doesn't even affect me anymore.
thank you all so much for your feedback. I've been a glutton for intriguing for years. I see it now warts and all and wonder why I was in so much denial before. I believe I idealized relationships and put such faith into them no matter what was in front of me. Letting go has been one of the hardest things I have ever done. Seeing reality is a whole other paradigm for me.
Thanks for sharing such a great thoughtful post. I had been thinking about my AH's "intriguing" ways just before I signed on to the board. Wondering if I could fast forward life and actually have just 1 of things he talks about come true. Just one but reality tells me this too shall pass. When he speaks of changing things I know that is all it is, talk. The intrigue is gone for me. He may still be intriguing to the kids but no longer to me. I am the one running interference and making them realize that whatever their dad has just said may or may not happen. They all pretty much know this about him now, which is sad. But such is life in an alcoholic home I guess.
Yours in recovery, wildthang86
-- Edited by wildthang86 on Tuesday 2nd of March 2010 01:43:55 PM
I can relate to this one. "Illusions of grandeur" is what I called it as my Abf-sober would ramble on and on about all he was going to do. I used to get so sucked in, thinking how ambitious he was. Until I learned more and more about alcoholism...and now thru the wisdom of AlAnon I am learning to detatch from it all and I actually feel sorry for him. He's a hard worker and I do believe he wants to succeed, but he just stays dry...no program. No program, no growth and old patterns. so sad. Some days it inspires me to stay strong in MY program.
Such beautiful dreams, such an ugly disease. (((hugs))) to all of us and especially our A's. Stepping outside of the pain it has caused me, I can see how this disease cripples them.
__________________
"Change is the essence of life. Be willing to surrender what you are for what you could become."
Thanks ((maresie)) for a thought provoking post. I've been thinking about this since I first saw it and like others, can certainly relate. We try to make sense of something that is completely illogical and become obsessed with solving the puzzle.
For years, I bought into the illusion, the grand dreams, the beautiful visions of how things could be "if I only did ". Then, after bending over backwards to please and still not seeing many of these lovely things come to pass, I became a skeptic, at times treating my A with derision and unkindness, but mostly using his failure to deliver on his vision and accepting the blame he placed on me to justify my own discontent and resentment.
Then I found Al-Anon. Not once, not twice, but three times.
Ever so slowly, I have finally reached the point where I adopted the position of watching what he does instead of buying in to what he says - good or bad. I'm getting better at staying detached from him and maintaining a sense of compassion instead of allowing hurt and resentment to creep back in. It is sad to see someone with so much potential go to waste because of this disease, but I have to keep in mind that I am powerless over them and they have their own path to follow.
Thanks again for shining the light on this pattern of behavior - great thread!
I guess I have to be grateful for this co worker because annoying as he is he certainly illuminates the way an alcoholic acts. I have no buy in with him of course and have boundaries these days (at least on that level). I bought in day and night with the ex A and the frustration pain and alarm were so great I crashed and burned and am just now reviving my spirit and pysche not to mention my health (which was absolutely destroyed).
