The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am struggling a lot lately with my exAH/boyfriend. We have been back together (dating but not living together) since Oct 2008 after a 15 year marriage & 2 year separation/divorce. Crazy I know but it seems to work for the most part. I refuse to let him move back in b/c he still has issues with depression and refuses to get help for it. When the depression kicks in, he lays around all day(s) and that is something I cannot be around nor do I want to subject my kids to that. It wouldn't be fair.
Where I am struggling is feeling like I am on the back burner all over again. The difference this time is there really isn't anyone on the front burners to compete with. He started back to school this past fall after deciding he would be unable to keep up with the physical demands of his job and needed to do what was necessary to be successful using his mind. So he is at school full time and works a part time low paying job in the evenings. Money is TIGHT to say the least. He has fallen behind on child support, which really hurts my budget. I was scraping by barely before but now I am falling behind a little bit more each month. At this rate, I may never get out of the debt I am in due to the last couple of years of our marriage & the separation/divorce period where I didn't get much help from him.
As far as I can tell, he is suffering from depression and refuses to do anything about it. He says that he gets down just everyone else and it takes him a few days to snap out of it and then he is good for a while. So for the "few days" he is down, he shuts me & the kids out. He doesn't answer his phone or texts and he doesn't bother contacting me or the kids at all. I can't help but feel like I have done something or said something that has caused him to disconnect. Like he is punishing me for some reason. My mind tells me it is just his depression and it has nothing to do with me. But my heart breaks from the distance between us and can't help but take blow after blow as being a very personal punch to me. I worry that if I feel this way, how must my kids feel?
So last Friday he texted me early in the morning and said he couldn't sleep any longer b/c he was thinking of me and missed me & couldn't wait to see me. I was excited, figuring I would DEFINATELY be seeing him over the weekend. I didn't see him ONCE. None. He worked Friday night, Saturday night & Sunday night. I thought for sure he'd come over before his shift at least for a little while. Nope. He did text me @ 5AM Sunday morning & said he was up early & was going to breakfast. He wanted to know if I wanted to join him. I told him I needed a couple more hours of sleep and couldn't make it. I texted him later to ask if he enjoyed his breakfast and his response was "yep". That was pretty much it for the day. He responded to one of my "I love you" texts but didn't answer his phone when I called or answer any of my son's texts.
He is not drinking or doing any drugs that I know of. I don't think he is seeing anyone else either. He is living w/his grandma & there is no way he could get away w/that there. She'd kick him out. She would also let me know if something was going on but all she says is that he stays in his room w/the door closed.
So my questions is: Am I being selfish? I understand that we are not living together and spending time together can be hard b/c of schedules. But I just wish he would find a way to spend more time w/us. Hell I will take a little time. But we go weeks w/out seeing each other. Then when we do see each other, it is a pretty quick visit. I also realize that I could go visit him @ his grandma's and sometimes do but she isn't feeling well these days & isn't up to a bunch of company. Plus there isn't much for the kids to do there and we definately can't have an intimate visit ourselves @ her house. So I am feeling lonely. Very lonely. I love him and when he is doing great, he makes me feel so wonderful. But when he isn't doing great, I take it personally and it hurts to my core.
Ok, I am rambling and not sure I am even making much sense. Uggghhh....I thought I had moved away from this "place" where I sit around and beat myself up over things I cannot control. Maybe I should just move on AGAIN. Cut him and myself lose from this relationship that just seems way to difficult to keep going.
I can only give you my ESH. I meet a lot of men who want a relationship all on their terms, their needs, their time and their issues. My issues do not come into play. I have learned through long and hard times with boundaries my needs need to come into play too. I would not answer a page, text at that hour in the morning unless it was an emergency. Having boundaries has been very very very hard for me. Having an idea what I deserve has been harder.
I know what it is to hold onto a relationship I did for years. The ex A would claim that he was tranformed and he never was.
"I love him and when he is doing great, he makes me feel so wonderful. But when he isn't doing great, I take it personally and it hurts to my core." -QOD
R u being selfish?! U say he doesnt spend any time at all and u would take scraps. basically. No i dont think you are being selfish, it doesnt even seem like you are considering YOU in there. The one main thing I see u doing wrong for you and ur AH is u need to focus on YOU. You are the only person u can control or change. As long as u look to someone else to either bring you up or down, u will always be a victim to others. Happiness and peace - it is an inside job. If u look to to others to fulfill you, validate you, ame u happy - if they are in a bad mood or just want to be mean, they can bring you down on a whim.
I used to be fixated on other people. It was my addiction. I realized I was wasting the life HP/god gave me by waiting for them, focusing on them and putting me on stand by. What was happening in my life? Nothing, I was focused on others at their mercy.
As long as u focus on ur AH, u are losing yourself and feeding the disease. To combat the disease ~ focus on YOU. Determine ur true needs vs your wants. No one will rescue you or satisfy your basic needs - only u can do that.
Set boudnaries and follow through on them. When I did that, I got self esteem and self respect. Yes, it was hard at first but it was worth it. I began to feel better so making these hard choices got easier bc life was becoming simpler and easier to manage, one day at a time.
I, like maresie met a lot of men that wanted it all thier way. Well, that isnt fair and I was not going to compromise myself anymore. If u dont stand up for you, who will? If not now, then when? You can put yourself off until the cows come home - then there will be another reason. It doesnt do you or ur kids any good to put yourself last. Learn to put you first and love you first. Emulate self love for ur kids. You deseve all of this and so much more ~ you are worth it!
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
I also learned as child to love people who were dysfunctional, needy and who swallowed me up. I had to learn to love myself and stop needing attention and love from people who were not consistent.
Dont think about it as being selfish -- taking care of YOUrself. Think about it as self preservation. That is what I did bc I was terrified of becoming selfish. But now I dont think u can turn into a selfish person, if u are a caring and a considerate person. It has to do with us compromising ourselves and taking more and more abuse/neglect. If u are willling to accept less than or think of yourself deserving what u get - then u will keep getting what youre getting. Consider deserving more and then u will attain and receive more.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Thanks so much for y'alls ESH and insight. This is such a tough situation as I was the one who did the leaving in the 1st place b/c I just couldn't take any more of his addictions. After a couple of years, I was the one who asked for him to come back (not live w/me but date). I don't want to be the one to end it AGAIN. He is suffering from depression and I realize he cannot help that. He cannot get help for it b/c he does not have any insurance (full time student). So not only am I feeling as if I am being selfish for wanting him to spend more time with me, talk & laugh with me....but I am feeling a mountain of guilt for considering ending it again. What type of person am I to just pick up and leave when things get difficult? Self preseravation indeed. But at what point does it stop being self preservation and just become a selfish greedy little brat? I want and want and want but I can't have it the way I want it. So just walk away? Again? Arrgg.
I keep thinking that as soon as this gloomy cold weather breaks and the spring pops up all sunny & warm, things will cheer up. I guess as of right now, I am leaning towards just holding on & seeing where things go.
I'm not sure why you can't end it if it's not fulfilling your needs? (Which seem very legitimate to me -- indeed, it sounds as if you're repressing your needs almost totallly, and feeling guilty for having any at all.) Is it that you feel you "can't" end the relationship, or that you don't want to? I realized that lots of times when I gave lots of reasons why I just couldn't end the relationship -- he needed me, or I had to look like the good guy, or it wasn't fair of me to give up on him, or I didn't want to seem as if I was blaming him -- it was because I was addicted to him and didn't think I could let go. Being with him kept at bay a huge flood of fear and turmoil that I thought would overwhelm me. But eventually staying with him, with me doing all the giving and him doing all the taking, was incredibly painful too. When I look back, in my saner moments, and think of how I bent over backwards to suppress all my needs and to try to get little amounts of attention and approval from him -- it breaks my heart. I really deserved to have my needs met. I think I was so used to having to give without getting much back, from my childhood and other relationships, that I thought that's the way it had to be. And if you want to be in a position to give without getting much back, a relationship with an addict is perfect for it. And you can even excuse your position by saying "I can't blame him for his disease." But I'm not sure why we should suffer because of their disease, except that we think suffering is normal. ??
Mattie - Thanks so much for your post! In fact, that was exactly how I used to think...back when I was healthier & worked the program. That was back when I left him the 1st time and stayed away from him. Then I got needy and I turned to him b/c I knew in my heart that he would take me back again and again. I remember feeling guilty about asking him back in the 1st place. Maybe I was just using him to fill the empty space that had stayed empty for too long. I had hoped that he had changed and he had in some ways but not in others. His alcohol & drug abuse was over but the underlying problems are still there - HIS DEPRESSION.
I don't do the whole "self-pity, self-loathing" bit very well. I am more of a pick yourself up, dust yourself off & keep fighting king of girl. I have my moments of feeling down but I don't have the luxury to let it sink in & give up. I have a job & two kids. I have responsibilities. I don't get depression. I have no tolerance for it. That may be wrong but it is how I feel.
I hear everything you are saying in your post & you are absolutely right! All of you are. I just have to work this program again and get back to where I was a few years ago when I was strong enough to get a divorce and get on with my life. I gotta get back to living and stop sitting around waiting on him to make me happy when he cannot even make himself happy.
Being with him kept at bay a huge flood of fear and turmoil that I thought would overwhelm me. But eventually staying with him, with me doing all the giving and him doing all the taking, was incredibly painful too. When I look back, in my saner moments, and think of how I bent over backwards to suppress all my needs and to try to get little amounts of attention and approval from him -- it breaks my heart. I really deserved to have my needs met. I think I was so used to having to give without getting much back, from my childhood and other relationships, that I thought that's the way it had to be.
Wow. I could have written that. Except that I repeated my pattern of behavior across SIX adult relationships, wondering why I was always so unhappy and they never worked out.
In fact, I had always blamed myself for not giving "enough" or not giving the right thing or whatever. Until very recently. I finally stood up for my own needs (in a pretty small way) and had a "wow, what a novelty!" lightbulb moment. I had never stood up for what I wanted before. Heck, I hadn't even been willing to recognize what I wanted for ME most of the time, let alone accept that I had a right to have my needs met. If compromising was an Olympic event, I'd get the gold every time.
When I read the OP, my first thought was to wonder how a relationship with someone that you don't see for weeks at a time (unless there are legitimate competing demands, like work out of town), who withdraws regularly and won't answer calls or texts qualifies as a "boyfriend". Would you have been willing to put up with that at the beginning of the relationship, instead of 18+ years in? I wouldn't consider myself selfish for wanting more than what you're getting.
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Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could... Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense. - Emerson
Thank you ythannah for your post. Something you wrote rang very true to me........ You wrote that you hadn't been willing to recognize what you wanted or yourself most of the time. let alone accept that you had a right to have your needs met.......well I am the same way. I am very unsure about what I want/need from a relationship. I think part of that is because I base my wants/needs on the only relationship I have ever known....my relationship with my A. He was my one and only boyfriend ever. We met when I was 17, married when I was 18 still in high school b/c I was pregnant & "in love". We stayed married for 15 years. Separated for 1 year, divorced for 1 year and then I caved and asked him back! I have no clue what it must feel like to be in a truly happy relationship. Therefore I have no clue what is acceptable to want or need from it.
I know I want to be happy. I want to love and be loved. I want to laugh & play. I want affection. I want security. I want adventure. I want to WANT to live with the person I love so much. I want that person to want to live w/me b/c they can't stand to be apart from me, not b/c of a supposed financial advantage. I want my kids to be happy too and have all these things. I want to BELIEVE again.....believe in myself and in the person I love and in our relationship.
Wow, once I started typing that out...it just kept flowing. Hmmm....more food for thought. Thanks again everyone.
QOD - I have to agree you know what you should do, it's in your last couple of sentences. I am pretty much in the exact emotional situation as you. I'm fighting with the same decision. I know what I should do, but the getting from point A to point B is giving me some trouble. We are all deserving people and we deserve to get something OUT of a relationship. You have some tough choices to make.
