The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
i've been inactive for a long time. probably since the 2nd week of August, 09. My AH and I broke up for good on August 6th. just like that, yeah. i remember that morning. we were in our marriage counselor's office and i said, "i'm still really angry with you that you won't admit to cheating on me after i found an email where you admit it."
he said, "i'm angry that you made me marry you."
i was dumbstruck. "but you always said that how much you wanted to marry me..."
" i was drunk"
"but you said it a lot. were you ALWAYS drunk?"
"yup"
And that was that. i felt something close up inside me. i turned off to him and kicked him out. he moved out on labor day. we're in divorce mediation.
i'm of two minds lately. on the one hand, i believe honestly with all my heart that i am better off without him. i'm happier now than i was with him BUT...
but something's wrong. and i'm hoping that you all, and the program can help. i can't put my finger on what's wrong; i think it's more than one thing. i think the combination of going through this divorce and saying goodbye to the child that we were going to welcome through adoption into our family (thank goodness we never adopted! thank goodness... but now i'm coming to terms that children may not happen for me at all - which is fine, but still, something large to come to terms with), i'm finding a new job (the current one is with a HORRID, abusive boss) moving to a new apartment, watching my married friends socially withdraw from me... what do i do now? how have you all, who have gotten out, how do you deal with the aftershocks of an alcoholic relationship?
i called a girlfriend tonight and told her, "i don't know how i'm going to get through tomorrow. i don't know how to get out of bed tomorrow morning."
Thank you so much for your honest post. I relate a lot even though my A-ex was a bf and not a husband.The sudden break-up, the complete denial of not being honest even in the face of hardcore evidence.The main thing that helped in the face of this devastation was a great therapist and going to face to face alanon meetings for the past year. My non-alanon friends didn't understand and actually made me feel worse. Some friends withdrew. Alanon helped me get clearer and helped break the isolation caused by the depression and the friends distancing themselves.I found embracing the whole program was important:reading the literature, reading this message board, getting a very gentle sponsor who seemed to have the happiness and serenity I wanted, calling people etc. I also got a fun job at a gym that enabled me to workout for free and meet a lot of new people even though it was below my skill level. I even want to keep this job part-time when I get another job because it has helped me so much. I also have to constantly remind myself to do basic self-care things like dressing well and blowing out my hair. I feel a lot better when I look better and am a lot more open to meeting new people.My dog has also been a great comfort and makes me go for an hour walk each day.I also have to remind myself constantly to reach out to other people first sometimes instead of waiting for them to call me etc. I get a lot of practice doing this in Alanon by calling people off the phone list, asking people for their numbers etc. Finally, I have started to explore new things to learn more about what I like to, like snowshoeing or knitting etc. These new interests also give me something to talk about with people. I hope this helps. Keep coming back. Thanks for reminding me about how important all of these things are for me! : )
I am sorry your feeling this way , and yes u are better off .. If u cannot get what your willing to give in a relationship love will die eventually. one person can not keep a marriage alive , Only God knows how hard we tried to do that .. One day at a time u will become who u were meant to be , and find someone who will return the love u are prepared to give . If you are not attending Al-Anon now please start your life has been affected by someone elses drinking and u too need to recover , if u don't u will do this again I have seen it happen many times over and over again . get to know the real you and your going to be just fine . Louise One day at a time we can do anything .
I am glad u came back to program. Your non program friends wont understand what ur going through, we in alanon do. Try not to think about tomorrow and how ur going to live it. Focus on what u can do today or right now that will allow u to feel better. For me that was the magic question. Whatver the answer was, is what I did. Some days it was stupid or mundane - what would allow me to feel better, but I tried to not judge it. I just wanted to feel better, so I did it.
All u have to do is get oout of bed today, deal with tomorrow when it is today. So get focused on right now, today. It makes things more manageable. I made lists when I was thinking about all the other things I needed to take care of - tomorrow. That way it was organized and I could get back focused on right now/today.
A break up/divorce is always hard. Its a blow to our egos. Try not to fixate on what he said that day in counseling. It was hurtful. I used to obsess on the painful mean stuff that was said to me - and all it did was make me feel worse and bring me down. Try to not take it personally - it was cruel and hurtful - step away from that. Whatver we focus on grows and manifests. Focus on what will allow u to feel better and allow that to grow and manifest.
You are grieving right now, and that is a process that takes time. Be sure to honor yourself along the way and take your time. Everything passes. Be extra kind, gentle to you right now. Love yourself - first.
Welcome back.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
the ex A always blamed me for everything. He took zero responsibility for anything in his life. He was the ultimate victim, took drugs got hepatitis C, abused his body got really sick. Nothing but nothing was ever his issue, it was all someone elses', namely me most of the time. The stuff I took from him was legend. Eventually I got to a limit.
I think al anon can offer you a great deal, I know I am three years out of the relationship (2 really I still had contact for one year). I have taken 2 years to just get clear on all my denial, over responsibility and the chaos and namely the blaming.
I live around alcoholics and addicts now. They need to create chaos and chaos and more chaos. I see that now very very c learly. They also need to blame everyone around them for their issues. They are blameless!!! Everything would be fine if you were gone. Then you are gone and they move onto something else. When I met the ex A he was on a huge saga about his ex girlfriend. He always something in his life that was the issue, never ever was it "him".
Grieving has taken me to new places of seeing how I set myself up, set myself to a crazy life and tried to do the impossible. Nothing but nothing but nothing I ever did was ever good enough. I gave him al my money, my time, and my serenity, he chewed it all up and it was never enough. For the disease it is never enough until they want out.
The ex A was never sober. He'd go through the motions but it was always about the next time. He never wanted to give it up so he launched full scale attacks against me. For years and years I took it.
I'm glad you are taking care of yourself. There are moments for me when I cannot believe all I put up with. I no longer "put up with" now I take care.
Maresie - Your posts are always so insightful and help me soooo much. I found this board about a year ago and posted some in the beginning, went to f2f meetings, etc. Then I've lurked here the last few months as the AH, that I've been separated from a year, has spiraled out of control. He is now 1 week in rehab and I just learned from cleaning out his totalled car that he was seeing someone around Christmas!
But, I too, can look back and see how blameless he always was. At first it was his parents, his sister, then it became me and then the kids and me, work, etc., etc. And, you are right, "for the disease it is never enough until they want out."
I took it too for years and years. I am stronger now than I was a year ago and I say I will no longer "put up with" either!!
Bless this board and everyone here!!! Great to be part of this family!
I can't say it any better than kitty did, but what comes to mind is: take care of you - easy does it, let yourself feel the grief - this too shall pass, one day/hour/minute at a time.
Glad you found your way back here - we're here for you.
