The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My ABF has just rang and I could not pick up the phone I have spent all day shopping with my daughter to stay focused on my life responsibilities. I do not feel ready to hear what he has to say. Not because I want to punish him. I really do not know what I want or how I feel anymore. Been asking HP for guidance I just do not trust my own inner thoughts at the mo. I do love my A. But how he lives his life is not how I want to live mine. I have learnt here that I can not change him, he is doing the best he can but I am tired. I fantasise about meeting a man who is sensible and reliable, some one I cn trust. Then I think he is sick its not his fault. It is like there is a battl going on inside me my love for him verses my love for myself.. Then fear etc kicks in I am so confused and do not think I should speak to him till I am clearer. My sponsor said when we chat if he starts talking about his slip (if he has had one)to tell him that is between him his Hp and AA. Life without him seems to be more appealing at the moment but as i say I can not trust my own feelings they sway so much. He has been trying so hard but even when sober this relationship is not meetig my needs they way I wish it would. My abf says I will get there I want us to be happy ad then something like this happens I know I shouldnt listen to the promises but he has been sober. Will I ever be able to believe what he says or is it I need o keeep telling myelf he is sick untill he has had a really long stint of sobriety. I have been told that many alcoholic have a few slips in the first couple of years. I know if I stay with him I have to accept he is sck and only sober for one day at a time. It feels like living with a ticking time bomb. JUst wish Hp would scream his guidance at me. I am willing to follow it just find it hard to spots sometimes.
is there a knack to it?
hugs
-- Edited by Tracy on Sunday 28th of February 2010 01:34:40 PM
Life without him seems to be more appealing at the moment but as i say I can not trust my own feelings they sway so much. I feel I am with a ticking time bomb. JUst wish Hp would scream his guidance at me. I am willing to follow it just find it hard to spots sometimes.
is there a knack to it?
hugs
-- Edited by Tracy on Sunday 28th of February 2010 01:34:40 PM
Hi Tracy There is a reading in Courage to Change that said"God Does NOt Speak In Code" if you do not understand HP will " Ask HP for Clarity."
I found when I did that and truly listened that "Still Small Voice Within" had the answer. Many times it was not the answer I wanted or was willing to act on but it was there.
Pray, Focus on Yourself and Live ODAT more will be revealed.
Aloha Tracy...you've found my early road map and I'm grateful. That is to a word how it happened for me...Don't trust my own thinking was soooo important to know and understand because "I am a part of my problem"..."my best thinking got me here"..."I cannot use the same thoughts that got me here to get me out" and more.
You are on the right path...it's okay to not react to the situation and respond when you are more spiritually and emotionally in balance. Miracles....WoW!!
HP doesn't SCREAM. HP speaks in whispers so I need to be still and silent to hear the message and when I am the whispers are all that I hear, every other disturbence is blocked out. It is only HP and me...vertical alignment and when I hear no whispers I know there is nothing to be said for now that HP is trusting me and I have the solution and not to be edging up on worry. Worry and fear tell me I'm resorting to fear and I don't like that room anymore, there is no love there, only noise and confusion and more fear.
I also have learned to listen with my eyes, because so many times my HP speaks thru what I am surrounded with, other people, places and things. HP doesn't live in my head. My head is sometimes a stopping off point for my HP and never an overnighter. Even I don't like staying in my head too often. It's not up for rent or lease...just a museum to visit and then go somewhere else...kinda like Disney land but smaller and not all about fun stuff.
I am grateful that you brought your growth here on this post. It is how I remember it and that is an affirmation. I know it will work out...It has for me. (((((hugs)))))
Is there a knack to it ?? for me you already answered your question . One Day AT A Time == one problem at a time , one joyous moment at a time there are no guarantees , life throws us curves all the time Its what we do with them that matters . I only know if i continue to take care of me , mentally - physically and spiritually , regardless of what he is doing I will be okay... DON'T MISS THE GOOD DAYS.
I agre with the other posters here - HP doesnt scream ~ it is subtle and quiet, I sometimes get signs/symbols, whispers. I was also told if I was confused, there was something about reality I was not accepting. Take it slow, go gentle and easy with yourself and be kind to self.
You say u fantasize about meeting a nice reliable man. There is nothing wrong with that and there are healthy people out there. I had to work on me b4 I met anyone more healthy too. I love me first and set and followed through on lots of new boundareis for myself. If you were an A, yes I could love you and be compassionate but I was also learning to focus on me, love me first and take care of my needs bc no one else was doing that for me. I began basing my decisons on how it allowed me to feel in the end - and that made the hard choices easier - bc I was feeling better about me, standing up for me and not compromisimg myself anymore. Once I got my own self respect back, I felt so much better.
Just bc someone is sick - it isnt up to you to fix or cure them nor are u obligated to them. You have to discover what ur true needs are versus fantasies/wants and then get busy fulfilling your needs. I found out my needs were pretty basic, shelter, food, warmth and emotional intimacy/health was what I needed. Once I got that clarity for self, it made program easier.
Take care of you, whatver that looks like. You are worth it! Being present in the now has been life changing. Projecting about the future will always divert us from what we can do to empower ourselves today/right now. I agree with abby, dont miss the good days. And remember ODAAT is all any of us have - tomorrow is a figment of our imaginations, right now, this is reality. This is where we can make changes.
__________________
Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
My ex ABF does the same thing to me. He says one thing when he is drinking and another when he is not drinking. We are trying to be friends, but I don't know what to believe. It seems like he speaks truth when he drinks and denial when he doesn't drink? Does that make sense? Not to me either - so I too am confused. I used to answer his texts and emails when he was drinking - now I don't. He realized it was wrong too. I am not his GF but he reaches out to me when he drinks becuz he is unhappy with his GF. Its all very confusing. Some days I think I can handle our friendship - other days I feel I can't. I really believe meditation is the key to clarity. AT least for me.
I was talking to someone the other day who had maintained good friendships with all her exes. We all asked her how she did that. She said she has a plan: she knows she can't be good friends with them right away, while they're still entangled with each other. So they take a year-long break from each other and reconnect afterwards. I thought that was pretty sensible.
Another thing to think about is what it's like to be a good friend of an alcoholic, one you haven't even been in a relationship with. The ones I've known have varied from a bit unreliable to completely out of their minds. They're not like regular friends -- and their boundaries are not very good a lot of the time.
So trying to be friends with an alcoholic you've recently broken up with -- I dunno -- I wonder if the idea that they're capable of being friends is one of those expectations we set up which lead to resentment?
