The material presented
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My husband is an alcoholic. For the first 2 years we had kids, life was hell. I stuck by him (so I thought) through rehab. Then he got sober for 4 years. Now our kids are 9 and 7. He has relapsed for the past year. I have recently started to attend Al-Anon. When the kids were babies, it was only me (and him, of course) that suffered. But now I can see how the alcoholism is starting to affect their lives.
Each time I have gone to a meeting, I have said nothing. I am scared to speak up b/c I am scared what I say may hurt someone else at the meeting. I know I must respect whatever decision they made for their lives. The reason is this...the others members have stuck with their husbands. They claim they were able separate from the disease and go on to live their own lives. They even say they taught their children how to deal with it. That is the part I can't get. How could it possibly be okay for your child to see her dad passed out in his own urine on the living room floor, because daddy has a "disease"? I just can't get this part. Part of me feels angry at the program for suggesting such a thing, but part of me (yet again) feels inadequate and weak b/c I can't "get it" and support the alcoholic. It is clear that if your husband is beating you that you should leave no matter what. But what if he's not? How do I justify letting the children see him in these states? I feel like a bad mother for that. Also, how do you "detach from the disease" yet share the same bed? How can you make love to a person who was out God-Knows-Where-the-Night-Before-Doing-God-Knows-What?!
I was told to wait 6 months after starting Al-Anon to make any decisions about leaving. I know I have to keep with the program, keep an open mind, read and practice the steps, etc...but I am really struggling with this. Some of the steps even offend me, but hopefully I just don't understand them yet...like, "making amends" and "admitting my wrongdoings".
I am sorry if I insult anyone. Can someone help me with this?
Thank you for your post :) I hear you loud and clear ....I too get very confused with the separate the disease from the person. At times it just sounds like a nice way to not get your feelings hurt and an excuse for unexcusable behavior. For me it is simply an explanation not an excuse. I can only speak for myself here and in my experience if you make a choice to live with an alcholic or addicted person you have to find some way to do so. I mean the insanity of it is just so crazy that if you dont I dont know how one could survive it. The steps and understanding our powerless ness helped me find myself again which was lost. My thinking and perceptions were so messed up I couldnt make a good decision if i tried. We get crazier than they do I think. Looking at ourselves and what we do have control over which is only us will help a great deal. Glad your here and keep coming back...thank u again :)
Great post ! The part i can speak on is admiting your own faults. trust me you want to do the first 3 steps before attempting this. I say that because as you get healthier, listen to others shares etc you can see just how deeply this disease has affected you and your decision making. Often times we are just as sick as the alcholic without the alcohol. I grew up with this disease and as I work on my faults can see what bad decisions or behaviors I did purely out of survival. But it doesn't mean I haven't hurt anyone else with my behavior. And the only way to change it is to recognize it, admit it and change it. Alanon works in all aspects of your life not just dealing with the A. I don't have an A spouse so I cannot relate to living under those conditions. I would like to say I would leave but I just don't know and throw kids into the mix and it becomes so much more complicated. Like I said I grew up in this enviorment but by the time my parents separated the damage had be done. My only regret is I didn't give alanon a chance when my own kids were younger because while my hubby and I aren't A's we have what we call thier "isms" which is basically the same behavors and not knowing that I passed those things on to my own children ( one of which has become as addict) No one will give you advice on what to do... it all dpends on you but i would suggest even if you leave that you keep going to alanon and when old enough get your kids into alateen. This way we learn how to make healthy choices. Good luck
I so understand your feelings. When I first started alanon I came to get my son sober. I came because I had exhausted all my ideas and had played the ones I had thought of over and over.
As far as the steps go, I thought I could get through the program in 12 weeks a week per step. At that time I didn't realize how much the alcoholic's in my life had affected me. The effects were subtle but over time they took their toll.
Like you I was told to stick with it for 6 months and if not satisfied, they would refund my misery. I at that time had no more options. My life was an out of control train wreck. What I found was it took a while to calm down the insanity so I could have some sane thoughts and decided what the heck I wanted to do with my life.
What helped me was sticking with it attending meetings and getting an awesome sponsor who gently guided me through the program and steps.
I don't think I have it mastered nor do I think I ever will, as alanon is a journey not a destination.
Welcome to alanon and I hope you stick with it. The results are remarkable.
I have thought everything you posted here. Wondering how people can do what they do around alcoholics. Then I turned the focus on myself and found that I was doing things that I didn't even see, would not admit to myself, and my "outside" head was amazed to find. All of a sudden I had nothing to judge others with and realized that I am no better, no worse, and have no idea what each individual is going through. I have to accept them for who they are and hope that they find a path that works for them. What that path is, is none of my business.
I am by no means chastising here - just giving you exactly what I went through. Me, apologize!?! I did nothing wrong! What in the world do I have to "recover" from??? I am the victim here! Looking at women who stayed and suffered and wondering how they could do that, all the while missing my A, loving my A, hating my A, blaming my A and still focusing on HIM.
All of a sudden, in working my own recovery, I found that I have enough work to do on myself and really can't worry about anyone else's recovery and choices, it is completely out of my control.
The wonderful thing is, you can do whatever it is you need to do for yourself and your family. Giving yourself a little time in recovery will enable you to make decisions from a healthier place. The fellowship, regardless of what they are doing in their lives and the choices they make, are a group of people who understand where you are. They are working on themselves, hoping to find their path to serenity, and are interested in helping you find yours as well. We want to share where we have been, how the program has helped, and that there is hope. Then we support and love you in the decisions you make for yourself regardless of what they look like.
Please keep coming back. You are right where you need to be. Your are having a lot of the same thoughts many of us did when we first walked through the doors.
tlc
__________________
To be trusted is a greater compliment than being loved.
So many, many people have come into Al-Anon and asked those very same questions you have asked. The answers to those questions is the confusing part to someone new to the program.
Not everyone in Al-Anon that is here because of a spouse sticks with their Alcoholic spouse. Some do, some don't. For each that is an individual choice. The recommendation that someone new waits 6 months or sometimes a year before making any "life altering" decisions is based solely on the knowledge that so many of us came for help at a time when, as Dream said, we have been so affected by living with the disease of alcoholism that we are incapable of "good judgement".
Getting a handle on those 12 steps might seem a pretty big order! Especially when we don't see how we fit into some of them. After all we "aren't the one with the problem????" How are we powerless over alcohol? Why do I have to make amends when I am owed amends???? I learned that I have a part in my life. My choices everyday effect the quality of it, no matter what anyone else in my life does or does not do.
Children in the mix certainly make it even more difficult. Explaining to them that Daddy is sick may not seem like enough. But it is a start. Children can certainly understand that if Dad or Mom is passed out on the floor in a puddle, something is wrong with them. Al-Anon has pamphlets for children explaining about alcoholism. Please ask at your meeting if they have any available. One is called "If your parents drink too much".
Each of us has had to answer the questions you ask. Sometimes they questions are a little different but they all come from the same place. Living with or loving an Alcoholic.
The best way I know of to find the answers to your questions is to continue to go to those meetings. Get some literature and read it. Find a sponsor and ask questions, like you are doing here.
Each time I have gone to a meeting, I have said nothing. I am scared to speak up b/c I am scared what I say may hurt someone else at the meeting. I know I must respect whatever decision they made for their lives. The reason is this...the others members have stuck with their husbands.
Dear Looking for Peace
I think you have been given some very excellent suggestions and explanations regarding the program and how it works. I would just like to suggest that alanon meetings are places that you can go to and say "what is in your mind and heart" This means there are no rules as to how you should feel and what you should share. It is only in sharing the deep dark secrets within that are we able to find answers that can work for us. Finding a sponser is also invaluable in this process.
The people in your meetings no doubt have come in feeling as you do now and by attending meetings and using the tools they have changed their attitudes and are in a different place.
Please feel free to share how you feel in your meetings. You will be supported, not judged and be given suggestions as to how to focus on yourself and reach a decision that works for you and your family
I pray you keep coming back. Remember one of the messages at all alanon meetings states:"Take what you need and leave the rest"
-- Edited by hotrod on Sunday 28th of February 2010 01:03:15 PM
-- Edited by hotrod on Sunday 28th of February 2010 04:59:37 PM
-- Edited by hotrod on Sunday 28th of February 2010 05:00:17 PM
Welcome and your confusion is normal this is a whole new way to think and live -- please don't compare your life to others were all diff and our circumstances are diff , there is no shame in leaving a relationship and the choice is yours ... some of us stay some of us go .. Al-Anon dosent condone the kind of behavior your describing it simply tells us that we cannot change another person or thier behavior . what is unexceptable to you may not be for others and visa versa . Don't try and move too fast , you have along way to go to step 4 , work on steps one = two and three for awhile .. Learn to set boundaries for your relationship that keep u healthy and safe , go to as many meetings as u can= listen to others and how they solved thier problems , u will speak when your ready , take care of you. We have a step board here too and have just started step one , great timming for you to be here. Louise
-- Edited by abbyal on Sunday 28th of February 2010 06:43:58 PM
"I was told to wait 6 months after starting Al-Anon to make any decisions about leaving. I know I have to keep with the program, keep an open mind, read and practice the steps, etc...but I am really struggling with this. Some of the steps even offend me, but hopefully I just don't understand them yet...like, "making amends" and "admitting my wrongdoings".
It's too early Looking...You're too new like I was when I first got to Al-Anon. They knew and I didn't so that part of the closing of the meetings "If you keep an open mind you will find help" is what worked for me. Open mind, take what I like and leave the rest (very little), Listen, Learn, Sit down, Shut Up and practice, practice, practice was the front door to miracle for me. I was afraid, doubtful, spiteful, oppositional and defiant and self centered and righteous...maybe a few other non-useful things but that's enough for now. I didn't come to believe for such a long time and even went to college on the disease (really did). I learn two things after I graduated...1. Al-Anon and Al-Anoner who were more open minded than I were absolutely right and 2. Alcoholism and Substance addiction is the worse AMA American Medical Association categorized primary disease in our lifetime. This is a disease...not a moral issue. It is a primary disease and not a symptom of some other malady. It has it's very own set of symptoms and pathology and it can never be cured. It can be arrested by total abstinence and it is progressive. It can only get worse...never better. If an alcoholic were to abstain for any period of time and then went back to drinking (relapse) often it will be worse. It would be as if the drinking had never stopped. (The alcoholic doesn't go back to where they started drinking but where they left off...plus). This is a disease of the mind, body, spirit and emotions. It is a compulsion of the mind with an allergy of body and the alcoholic has lost the choice regarding their drinking. The alcoholic has but three choices...sobriety, insanity or death.
As a past alcoholism/substance abuse behavioral health counselor I can tell you that I have watched that definition in action in my patients and came to find that I also am alcoholic...having been born and raised within the disease. Do your kids need to know? If they don't they will grow up thinking that their Dad is bad and/or immoral not the victim of a mind altering mood altering chemical that owns his life. If they do not they might never understand what might and will happen to them if they decide to make alcohol a part of their own life.
Read on here at MIP...not all members are women. Not all women members are wives and not all addicted relatives are male or husband. This disease affects all it comes in contact with and that is how you found this miraculous family.
I hear you are patient and willing to live and learn and live better; That's the first tool...willingness. Openmindness is a little bit more tricky. It requires dismissing all former thoughts and feelings about the subject that you came with and sitting quietly and still while others share their experiences on the subject with you and then spending time considering what they have said as true for them and possible for yourself.
You have arrived new and maybe not different. All of us arrived new and the majority of us are grateful we found each other here and in the rooms of Al-Anon. Here is where you become a Miracle in Progress really. Old timers get to watch and smile. You can hear us grinning already. Stick around and keep coming back. You didn't get here in a day and it won't take a day to get it sorted out.
haves a look at the post - something that might interest everyone by Susi1965 - it may help you put everything in perspective and be clearer to understand. i too find it difficult to get to grips with the 12 steps...her post is inspirational. once you are at peace with yourself you will find the hill climb at lost easier.,..god bless
