Thanks lindsey... i hate worrying about this so much but its obviously a big deal... whether your kids will be totally screwed up because of their childhood.

I just want to know how to keep things as positive as possible for my kid. My cousin grew up with an A parent but still managed to grow up to be a successful, beautiful happy woman with a wonderful life. The non-A parent did everything to give her a good happy life even with her traumatic situation. I wish I knew their secret but I just can't talk to them about it at all.

I have 2 kids with an A, 3 years old and 6 years old. My A drinks out of the house at well, and most times comes home after the kids are in bed. The kids ask alot why daddy doesn't come home for dinner, and I just answer as honestly as I can " I don't know why honey, why don't you ask him when you see him in the morning..." I also make sure that they know that I am there for them, and that we will have a great dinner (and an even better desert!) regardless of whether daddy comes home. I have also begun educating my 6 year old about alcholism and encouraging her to share her feelings, with me, or with her grandparent or even her journal. I have stressed to her that it is NOT her fault and that nothing she says caused it and that nothing she can do will stop it. The 3 c's really do apply to the kids as well, as they are very self centric at a young age and think everything happens because of them or to them... I found out during one talk with her that she felt that daddy fought with mommy and threatened to move out (very traumatzing to her) because she did not eat her supper fast enough... I have begun to teach her to detach when she see signs that daddy is drunk, and to not believe what he says when he is drunk because it is the sickness and not daddy talking.

Don't feel guilty about having kids with an A... there really is a way to have healthy kids despite the insanity of drinking. In my experience the key has been to minimize the arguing/fighting (detach, detach, detach...) and to embrace the good family times. Educate your child as he/she gets older so that they understand the 3 c's and can learn to detach with love. Demonstrate that it is OK to love the man.. but teach the skills to deal with the disease. Most of all, demonstrate to the kids that you love yourself! They will value themselves as you value yourself! Do not be a doormat... take care of yourself, but don't be a martyr about it. Not talking about the disease is what really screws up kids.. once they understand, it is amazing how they can so easily detach with love (wish it were so easy for me...). I am planning to encourage my daughter to join AlAteen as well when she gets a bit older..

And remember... no family is perfect. Even kids from non-alcoholic families get screwed up from fighting, arguing, neglect... etc. You take care of your kids, talk to them about their feelings and educate them. Most of all get yourself healthy by attending Al Anon (find a babysitter, or take the baby if he/she is young!), and you may just find that your kid grows up healthier, more self aware, better educated about the dangers or drugs and alcohol and with some really great life coping skills that realtes to many other situations besides alcoholim because of it...

Remember.. HP must have had some plan when HP allowed your child to come into world in the first place... Place yourself and your child in HP's hands, release the outcome, and all will be as it should be!

Thanks very much for your replies everyone.

My parents are both ACOA (although in my dad's case his father really only got into heavy drinking much later like in his 60's or so)... but they are not really drinkers, one occasionally type thing. It obviously does infect down the generations though (I heard it touches four generations?) -- because my dh and basically anyone I ever dated had substance abuse issues. Why??! I did not grow up seeing this in my own house. My parents have a very loving relationship, I had a great childhood. So why did I seek this out over and over and then marry it?

I do not want to pass this legacy onto my child.

missypoo --- and anyone else who discusses this with their children --- what does the A think about the fact that you tell the children they have an illness related to drinking? My AH does not think he has a problem (esp since a lot of the time he has no recollection of the night before and what he did) -- I think he would be furious if I was to be talking about him that way to the child. I know it's important though.

At the moment he drinks late at night usually after the baby is asleep. he mostly only drinks in our home unfortunately, i wish he would go out so i wouldn't have to see it but that's not the way it works with him. sometimes the baby wakes up though and then he tries to interact - he thinks he is being playful and fun but of course the baby is scared because he looks and acts weird. I do tell him the next day he scared the baby but he doesn't remember or think it's a big deal :(

I might be totally off base here so take it only if it fits.  I wonder if what you are asking is "How do I protect my child?" or whether it might be "Is there a way I can justify staying with the A by keeping it from hurting my child?" 

It helped me understand what was going on when I realized that my H was addicted to alcohol and I was addicted to him.  I wanted him to give up his addiction so I didn't have to give up mine.  I thought I couldn't handle life without him, and especially my emotions in the process of separating.  I had been driven insane by my addiction too.  As it turned out, it was a relief, and in my case I'm sure I've done the right thing for our child (who can see his dad, but doesn't have to see his unreliability, failing to come home, etc. etc.)

Again, just a thought -- you can see if it's helpful or not.

Thanks guys for sharing. I sometimes feel like my situation is a bit different then others, although it is alike in many ways. my ah is not unreliable, helps out with the kids, is a great dad, has a decent job. his drinking does not affect "day to day operations" in our home so to speak. Most of the time our lives are 'normal' and fine.

But once every so often he drinks and drinks until he has psychotic episodes of hallucinations, talking or screaming to himself (last week was in the mirror, ugh), just totally crazy behaviour. he does not remember them or claims not to anyway.

I spend a lot of time stressed about when or whether these episodes will occur or that my child will witness it. so far they only happen after 2am or so. I get so much anxiety when he is drinking and I feel like it is heading "that way" that I get these convulsions of shivering almost like I am freezing cold.

If I could just remove these 20 or so episodes a year i think all would be well. but i am sure you have heard all this before!!!!

thanks for listening.