The material presented
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Came home from a stressful day at work. AH in bed, v ill with "indigestion". (not the first time by a long way). I don't know what to do any more. I said he ought to go to the family doctor - he says he will make the appointment in his own time - I'm not to do it.
I don't know what I can say/do that will penetrate and make him do something/anything toward his own recovery?
My son v stressed (29 but learning disability meaning he functions around age of 12). Social worker coming round next Friday for annual "tick the boxes" assessment. (Really - they do nothing except this one visit a year to fulfill their obligation)
I am coping because that is what I do - cope. But when the inevitable happens with AH I am going to feel guilty I didn't do more.
I visited a friend in hospital who know us both. We talked about AH and she said "Oh - so long as he has you there for him" But am I? We may still live in the same house but I detached emotionally (well, almost - I can't stop caring about him after 40 years together). Mostly I ignore him and certainly haven't slept in same room for 2 years now.
I would never tell anyone what to do, because I do not know all the circumstance, however, I think my response to the facts that you have laid out would be do nothing, unless you fear his life is in immediate danger, and in which case call the I would call the medics. Nothing you will say will make him change his mind, and in fact, he has made his wishes known. Release yourself of feeling any responsibility for this. This is not your fault. It's his choice. Take care of yourself. You are there for him as long as you continue to love him, but you cannot feel guilty for making choices to protect yourself and your serenity (by sleeping in a different room etc,).
-- Edited by MissyPoo on Friday 26th of February 2010 03:46:27 PM
You know that you are powerless over this terrible disease. You are doing the next right thing by taking care of yourself and trusitng HP to take care of your hubby.
Pray, be gentle with yourself and trust. This is very, very difficult and you are not alone.
Hope you are getting to meetings and being kind to yourself
-- Edited by hotrod on Saturday 27th of February 2010 07:19:47 PM
I found it very hard watching my AH spiral downwards, not participating in recovery or medical care that was offered. I can't tell you what next, I can only share my ESH.
I needed to take care of myself given my decision to stay with him. I found that I coped best with alanon meetings, reading literature and detaching with love. There were many times I wanted to take back control from HP - it's impossible not to when you see another person doing something that will ultimately kill them. I came here and shared, I went to my meetings and shared and was reminded that "There is a God I am not He". It took a lot of help and using the tools and my own vigilence to stay out of it.
Lastly, and most importantly for me, maybe not for others experience, I loved him anyway. The disease did not let him go. I just wanted him to know every day he was loved. He is one of God's creatures, a good and kind man, a man who was by my side for a long time. I loved him anyway.
I know that every situation is different, so please take anything you might like and ignore the rest.
Even after I began working the steps, I still wanted to try and figure out what clever little words I could string together, so that he would just finally get it. I wanted that sooooo badly. Every time I spoke with my sponsor, she would say, "stay in powerlessness." Powerlessness is the foundation for the rest of the steps. I finally gave up my desire to fix him. I have since learned this: my serenity is in direct proportion to my level of acceptance.
Also, it was best for me to protect my recovery, and not take comments too seriously from people who are not in recovery. Every tom, dick and harry out there would love to run my life.... and they WILL.... if I let them. It's best for me, to stick with the voice of recovery, not one that triggers my disease.
((hugs))
-- Edited by glad lee on Saturday 27th of February 2010 12:15:32 AM
__________________
The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
I have since learned this: my serenity is in direct proportion to my level of acceptance.
Absolutely brilliant (and accurate)!
((Tattyhead)) - I can really relate to what you posted. I have found myself feeling pretty much the same way. Unfortunately, there is absolutely NOTHING you can say or do that will cause your AH to seek help. Just as the 3 C's tell us we didn't cause the disease, we can't control it nor can we cure it, the same applies to their recovery. We can't cause it or control it. It is up to them and their HP. All we can do is get out of the way.
Keep detaching with love, keep taking care of yourself, keep on doing the next right thing. Ultimately it is the best thing for you and your son.
Thank you so much for all your replies. I posted when I was very down and, as always you have managed to lift my spirits and enabled me to start coping again. Deep down I suppose I know there is nothing more I can do but it is so hard sometime, watching the man you once loved with all your heart deteriorating before your eyes. I do keep telling him, there is only one cure - give up alcohol - BUT - he won't! Thank you so much for being here. Tish xx
Aloha Tatty...I so empathize with you and your condition. The similar condition tore me up bad. One of my sponsors once told a story about a child getting sick and the family going thru the normal proceedures of getting a child well that didn't work and so they took the child to the doctors and they did what all they could do and that didn't work and so they put the child in the hospital and the child got worse so the doctor called a family conference and told the family, "We've all done as much as we can and tried all we know, the only thing we can do now is pray." My sponsor said...Taking the problem to God isn't the last thing we should do...It's the first.
Use your higher power Tatty and while you're putting your alcoholic into the hands of your HP...climb up in there yourself. You'll all fit and HP often does group work.
