The material presented
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Last night must have been "the night...." My AH fell off the wagon again last night too. I was just going to reply to a post, but decided to start a little different one.
I really wanted to go into one of my screaming sessions, but managed to walk away (of course, I threw in a few snide remarks leaving) I still have work to do. I went into the kitchen, sat down and started reading a self help book on codependency. I have been known as the "enabler from hell"; that was the comment of one of the in-patients of one of my AH rehab stints. But to get to the point, I read something that has had me pondering ever since. The question is; Why do we love this person? What is it? What "thing" about this person do you absolutely love? After I went to bed last night, I pondered this question until I fell asleep and have been pondering ever since.
I'm really wondering if it is time to move on.... We have been married 30+ years and maybe this marriage has just passed away and I haven't noticed.
In Al-Anon we talk about gratitude lists , helps to remember why we chose the partner in the first place ... list the things u love about him thier still there somewhere hidden behind his disease. A gratitude list keeps me from going into self - pity , like you I didnt marry a drunk I married a nice young man who drank alittle -- he didnt plan on becomming an alcoholic it happens , this is a progressive disease it only gets worse never better ...... I suspect your not going to f2f meetings for yourself-- Al-Anon - please try and fit a couple into your week they will help alot u need support from people who understand exactly how u feel . We are dealing with alcoholism - and how it has affected our lives it has many symptoms none of them good and unfortuntley we have the isms .. after finding this program I decided I would give it a try for a yr and if i wasnt any happier it would be time to leave I too had been married 25 yrs at the time , I felt I owed it to both of us after all that time . a yr came and went -- and m y life was definetly better, husb continued to drink for another 2-1/2 yrs but it no longer affected my life .i was way too busy fixing myself .
SS...I also like what Abbyal suggested and think like she put it to you. I married a good person with a fatal disease. Only one of the things that can die from this disease is a marriage and then only looking at the bad of it I learned was a fatal bias. I learned "Love cannot exist without some dimension of justice" and part of that justice was using gratitude in my perception of the marriage being kind and humble with the good I received from it. It was hard because I was fearful and I was protecting my justifications for being right with my perceptions and with salving my ego and pride.
You will take your character of love with you no matter where you go and who you will be with. Though you might not feel that you are getting it back at times that is different than your character to give it at all times. Loving is a natural state of being. It is painful when it is not returned and partly because that is an injustice for the love we are giving. Still being loving is a natural part of your person and change places and times as you choose that will not end. I surrendered to Mother Teresa's philosophy as a solution to fighting the when and how to practice love. She suggest "Love Anyway" and I found that easier and more natural to do so that is what I go with.
Also from my experience. As long as you have memory you will alway have the marriage. Keep the gratitude no matter how small and it will fail to hurt.
I certainly enabled the ex a I was with for years. Eventually with much help from al anon I stopped dong that. I learned to love and care for very very dysfucntional and ill people as a c hild. boundaries were not something I had the luxury to have until I was an adult. I have them now as a result of a lot of work and courage and conviction and also from being so burned to the crisp by the last alcoholic relationship.
I did a lot of snide, sarcastic and mean remarks for years. I do not do them now. I set limits. I do not go to the point of needing to interact. I struggle with that a lot but I no longer have the frustration and pain associated with that. That being said I had a check stolen 6 months ago undoubtedly by someone I know who is an addict. I am still trying to get it replaced. This is a drop int he bucket for what I used to deal with but nevertheless the process and the frustration and the sheer tireless energy is mind numbing. No one but no one can be around an alcoholic who is active without feeling some problems. When I had the check stolen by the addict I was not in any complicated relationship with them, they simply felt they needed the check more than I did. There was nothing more complicated than that. When I complained about it of course I was "told" that I was making a big deal. Only addicts are allowed to make a big deal. Codependents are supposed to suffer silently..or that is until they drop dead from repressing and allowing everyone to walk over them. .
That is a great question!!! One I think I will be pondering myself now. I have wondered it before, wondered what drew me to him like a moth to light. I am not quite sure what the pull is but I am definately going to do a lot of soul searching. Of course, if life repeats itself, as soon as I start making progress in my soul searching, my exAH/boyfriend will come around doing wonderful things and make me rethink my whole resolution. Yep, that's my circle. Blah.
Thanks for posting and giving me some food for thought.
) I still have work to do. 
