The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
i am a recovering alcoholic myself. my husband I think is starting to have a drink problem. We used to drink together about 10 years ago he managed to cut down and i couldnt cut down, i had to stop and go to aa. his drinking has always been ok, heavey sometimes but he can take it or leave it, seemingly.
recently last few years hes been having few on the way home from a stressful job, this has concerned me cause it was like he was drinking every night to deal with stress, not really drunk though so i thought oh its not that bad. now hes bying a can whenever hes out to the corner shop, on the way to the supermarket, or when i am not around, off he goes to get his drink. i go to an aa meeting and he takes the opportunity to go get a few cans. they are big cans. But I think oh its not that bad, its not like hes buying a bottle of vodka or something.
we both used to like drinking and i always thought it was me who could not stop , had the problem but his drinking is ever so slowly getting a bit wierd and not social drinking. i know some people can be heavey drinkers and not be addicted, i hope this is him.
i have been to one alanon meeting before, after he went on an all night with a frtiend of his, i started to think he had a problem. but then i thought i had been over reating. maybe because i am an alcoholic myself that i read too much into his drinking. and honestly his drinkin is not really out of control. but its been slowly getting a bit worse, really slowly and not terribly bad, just not healthy social drinking imo. I am confused and i dont know if i need to be concerned or not. is his drinking bad is it normal, is it what?
last night i came home from a meeting quite late, hes drunk at the computer doing work, all stressed out from work. he cant talk words are all slurred. he says hes sick, looks like death and goes to bed., i wasnt sure if he was really drunk or sick or something. then hes vomiting in bed and i am holding a damn sick bucket. he is saying he is embarassed and hes a bad husband and has let me down. hes all emotional as hes throwing up. he says its not normal to be vomiting up booze on a wednesday night like this.....
i said well what are u going to do about it. he says, not drink for a while.
its just really scary watching, waiting. do i need to be concerned? Am i over reacting? i enabled him last night by holding the sick bucket for him i thought he was sick in bed with a bug, not drunk off his head. Once I knew it was drunkness i was still worried and wanted to be comforting. i should have let him vomit all over the house, rather than hold a damn bucket for him. He was all upset and i wanted to help him. I know now i should not have been so soothing and nice and should have let him deal with it himself.
I know for me when i finally saw i needed AA was when my husband was out of the country and so i was left at home, alone with a massive hangover and all the guilt, shame etc of the drunk before. I was so alone, he was not there to help get rid of those horrible feelings, he was not there to make it all ok, to sooth me etc. and that was the first time i was so alone and miserable that i had to reach out and ring aa.
So now i feel bad for soothing him. fk it. this is hard. i dont know if i need to be concerne, if he really does have a problem i dont know. I dont know how to act to be helpful.
I tried to read on enabling last night and i will get to an alanon meeting in the next few days. I want to get the books and to get to meetings. i already have my life full of other 12 step meetings. jeepers i may as well live there. i really want the books though. i want to learn how to not enable and detachment and all that stuff.
-- Edited by Slugcat on Thursday 25th of February 2010 06:34:50 AM
this is wierd. when i got home last night. i guess i did recognise he was drunk off his head, but at the same time i thought maybe hes sick. in my head the thought maybe hes sick having a stroke or something thats why the slurred words. talk about stupid, is that denial or what. its like i knew he was drunk but it didnt really register in my mind. like i knew but i didnt know. i knew but also he hides it well. until he was vomiting that is and then i could smell the booze real bad. but like he said, i feel sick and went to bed and i thought oh hes sick, not hes so drunk hes sick. its mental. i am concerned i dont know if i should be concerned or not and part of me is also angry! Ive been to AA for 10 years and hes never once gone to an alanon meeting himself, and now i am going to have to goto aa and alanon.
i also know his drinking is not bad like it could be, maybe he doesnt have a problem maybe i over react. . Its not that bad but its not really OK either. and i dont want to watch it get worse and thats what it feels like, like i am watching it get worse, very slowly slowly but it is getting worse.
i really need an alanon meeting dont I.
-- Edited by Slugcat on Thursday 25th of February 2010 06:33:05 AM
Slugcat,Your words are so familiar to me as I've said almost the same things to myself in the past. you wrote ¨i also know his drinking is not bad like it could be, maybe he doesnt have a problem maybe i over react. . Its not that bad but its not really OK either. and i dont want to watch it get worse and thats what it feels like, like i am watching it get worse, very slowly slowly but it is getting worse.¨ Just going by my own experience, it WILL get worse. My AH sometimes drank too much but it wasn't a problem. Then it started happening more often. And more often. He also had an episode of throwing up in bed, except he was still passed out. I was in such denial. I knew there was a problem but thought it was temporary, something I could help him fix. I'm not sure exactly when it hit me, think it might have been the day I ¨caught¨ him guzzling vodka before 8:00 am (he would drink by himself,in secret.) I was slowly falling apart along with him. I finally was so desperate I took to the internet and found this site. I can't even tell you what a difference it has made to me. Instead of focusing on and worrying about A's drinking, I learned to not be an enabler, how to detach with love, and how to take care of myself first. It was difficult at first, and still is at times. But there are lots of wonderful, caring people here to help me when I need it. I suggest going to an alanon meeting. And keep coming back here. It really helps.
First of all, congratulations on your recovery from alcoholism! 10 years in the program - that is an awesome accomplishment!
Next, welcome to MIP and to Al-Anon - here you will find the experience, strength and hope (ESH) of others who understand what you are going through.
I'm sure many others will respond to your post - so stay tuned.
You said you felt like you were enabling your husband by holding the bucket for him while he was sick and by soothing him. Maybe, maybe not. If the consequences of you not helping him would have resulted in additional physical harm to him and he was physically not able to help himself, then I don't see this as enabling, but demonstrating compassion for a fellow human being. Just something to consider.
Whatever the case, put down the bat that you are beating yourself up with - you are doing the best you can with what you know. You have taken another huge step in your own recovery by coming here. Again, good for you.
For what it's worth, I have heard many "double winners" (those who are in both AA and Al-Anon programs) state that AA saved their life and Al-Anon showed them how to live it. I hope you find this to be true for yourself as well.
The best suggestion I personally can give you is to get to meetings, get your hands on some Al-Anon literature and to keep coming back.
Take what you like and leave the rest!
hugs to you,
bg
-- Edited by blender_girl on Thursday 25th of February 2010 09:22:51 AM
hi thanks blendergirl and pineapple. this is all icky isnt it. this is really hard, i never realised how hard coping with someone elses drinking is. yep i need to get some meetings. i will psot again if thats ok right now i am all messed up confused. im kind of in shock. yes i dont know if im in denial or over reacting or what i need to get grounded.
-- Edited by Slugcat on Thursday 25th of February 2010 11:25:39 AM
Aloha SC...there are a lot of "doubles or double winners" here and in the program. I one of those and came into AA thru the doors of Al-Anon. The focus is different and the steps, slogan, traditions and other stuff the same. Lots of the fellows in the AA meetings have come to realize what a b--ch it has been or was being married to a practicing alcoholic. Not fun huh?I know what you mean about being 12stepped out however that changed for me a long time ago when I accepted that if I didn't have another way to live I would loose my whole life completely. Others have prescriptions and mine is the program (both).
Trying to sleep on a stomach full of booze...yowzers the body just doesn't like to do that at all and when we tip ourselves into the prone or flat position our bodies do payback real good. If it hasn't passed thru the kidneys and bladder it's gonna come back out where it went in.
I kinda see it that you were being kind and helpful. Not all support of an alcoholic is enabling. The stuff I did that made it worse was enabling and I was taught by a wise wise sponsor this lesson. If a person has the time, ability and the facility to get their stuff done and I step in and take over...that's enabling. If they lack any one of those three things and they ask for help that is helping. He might have not asked you for help but for me it was helping.
I had an old laugh as how drunks react when caught in the act of being drunk. I once came in from a nights boozing with friends when I was younger and I knew my mom was sitting in the corner in the dark waiting and had been for a while. I was pretty loaded and let her sit there without acknowledgment and proceeded to go upstair to my bedroom. I got about 7 to 8 stairs up and then fell all the way down again. Might as well acknowledge mom now..."I've got the flu" I said and made the bedroom on the second try. I later during a 9th step apologized for treating my mother like she was ignorant and less than.
Keep coming back until you get the books and the meetings. ((((hugs))))
If you think he has a problem he undoubtedly does. In al anon we adopt the slogan, we can't cure it, we can't control it and we didn't cause it.
Many of us have felt like we slipped up when we soothe and enable an alcoholic. We do what we know until we know different. The tools of al anon are hard going. Detaching was a difficult one for me.
I don't doubt that al anon will help you with he second guessing, stress and monitoring his drinking.
I know I don't compare my own recovery any more to other people. Generally if I think someone has a problem with alcohol they do. I don't second guess anymore. If I believe someone is an alcoholic I don't have to justify it anymore after all I am no longer trying to cure, rescue or label them. In Al anon I learned not to be over responsible for others that is a tall order when you are in a relationship.
