The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I haven't commented on very many peoples posts yet because I don't think I have much to offer at this point...but again - I am very thankful to read all that you all share on here!
I feel like I have gotten worse in the past couple of days. I was doing so well - staying away from him. But his ex-wife let me know that he hadn't contacted his daughter again...which would be a back-to-back relapse...and she said he has never done that before. He can go MONTHS without drinking/drugs but then will jump in for 4 days or so and then get everything back together so he can keep his daughter in his life.
Well, back-to-back relapse, no phone, his mom went by his house - no ...no one had heard from him - so I went by his house. And got him to talk to me through his door. Strung out. I had NO idea what to do - so I just said I was glad he was alive. He moved today - I think I know where he moved to but I refuse to drive over there and see if his van is there.
BUT I did check his email. Blech. What is wrong with me? I am more wrapped up in WHY he broke up with me 2 1/2 weeks ago then anything else.
I can't go to another meeting until Friday - we don't have many that I can get to here...
I wasn't spinning on Friday. Why now?
I think...it has more to do with me than him. I can't control this. I am more co-dependent than I thought. And I have got to figure this out for me because I don't want to continue repeating this pattern.
He is my first A - but I have a habit of dating unavailable men.
I agree Speck, sometimes I get so much insight from simply listening to others. I'm so grateful for this blog.
Don't hold yourself back if you want to say something though, Just type away for this is a place where you will be heard as well.
Sometimes we look for love in others when really, it's up to us to be gentle and loving with our life and spirit. For me it is a work in progress. Thank you for sharing and many blessings to you. Keep coming back***
-- Edited by RoseODAT on Tuesday 23rd of February 2010 09:20:14 AM
-- Edited by RoseODAT on Tuesday 23rd of February 2010 09:23:12 AM
¨Blech. What is wrong with me? ¨ There's nothing wrong with you, you're human, that's all. And we all make mistakes. But you're aware of the pattern you were in and don't want to continue it. That's the first step to changing it. Yep, one day at a time. Keep working on you, you'll be fine. If you want/need a meeting before your F2F one on Friday, check out the online meetings here. I don't have F2F meetings around here but the online meetings have been a big help and comfort to me. Hang in there (and here), it gets better.
Blessings Speck First i would like to say please don't hold back if you have something to share on yourself or someone elses post. Even as a newbie you may say just the right thing at the right time that someone needs to hear. it has happened to me many a time. I read something that really hits me and allows me to grow. Just because you are new doesn't mean you don't have anything to offer to another. And you may never know it but you can share something that will change another persons perpective on things. Addtionally we tend to get addicted to the addict so your actions this early in the program you have the desire to keep trying to control or fix things is perfectly natural. As you work the program and the steps you will learn to take the focus off the addict and putit on you where it should be. believe me I was a slow learner here LOL. Been on the program almost 13 months, still consider myself a newbie. It took me 10 months literally to get past step one LOL no matter how hard i tried I fought it tooth and nail still thinking i could control things. So be gentle with yourself, you can start your day over at any time. Keep going to meetings and I look forward to seeing more posts from you
Today was a sad day but not "out of control" feeling...
It's funny (or not really that funny)how I've not realized how much that I do try to control others and situations! I think I have a hard time recognizing my true intentions.
I like your topic... I understand the feeling of spinning and feeling out of control.
I had once heard, that when life feels like it's spinning out of control, it's like riding on the outer edge of a wheel, round and round, wild and crazy. But, if you come to the center, near the hub, it's quiet and peaceful.
When my life is unmanageable, there's only one way for me to be restored to sanity, and that is to get back to the center of the wheel, get back with my HP.
How grateful I am for the program, which gives me guidance for my life. My sponsor taught me to ask myself every day, what step am I working today?
Welcome! I'm so glad you're here. ((hugs))
__________________
The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
One day at a time. I took it one day at a time in setting limits on how and when I spoke to the ex A. I still stay away from the place we once lived. I do not speak to his friends (should I say hostages :) ).
We do it one second at a time for some of us.
Over time it got easier. I had many many hard times. Like you I felt I was the only one holding him up. I felt responsible for his life, survival and more. He did not die when I stopped talking to him. He continued to cause chaos and act out but he did not die.
You are in the right place. Be kind to yourself. Get back to detaching it takes practice practice and more practice. No one is an expert day one.
Glad you can share here. Recovery isn't a straight line - we don't learn how to do things better and than all of sudden change overnight. For me, change has been like learning to walk - getting up, falling, getting back up again, but also reminding myself that I need to be patient as I learn to examine and ultimately alter the dysfunctional ways I have been living for most of my life. I operated off a distorted belief system where I saw myself as flawed and insignificant and inherently bad. I had a HUGE A-HA moment when I realized that I had been navigating the world based on these beliefs and they were the underlying factor in so many of my problems.
One day at a time - self compassion is something I am finding that is absolutely essential to my recovery.
Hi Speck and welcome. I really relate to your share - I too had not had a romantic relationship with an A in the past. And it didn't hit me until I was at the end of my rope with my now ex-ABF that my pattern wasn't with As, it was with rescuing others... and not just boyfriends, but friends and family members. it was as if i had had a blindfold lifted from my eyes and I could see the connection to me and what my codependence had grown to...
I agree with the "learning to walk" analogy... I am learning so much about myself here and sometimes I learn things but don't necessarily have the tools yet to change, but its a journey and one that I am grateful for because I don't want to keep repeating my past.
Keep coming back - I learn from EVERYONE on this board!
My Ex ABF left me 10 weeks ago and I just went through a really tough period of spinning for several days as he relapsed. No word - no texts - no emails - no way to know if he was dead or alive. What works for me is I download christian contemporary music that is really positive to my IPOD - when I am struggling I feel like my HP is talking to me through some of these songs (i.e., JJ Heller, I will keep you safe). He came out of his 3 week binge and is back in AA. He is no longer in my life - we only chat briefly and see each other occasionally. His girlfriend is also an alcoholic. There are great online chats through this web site that if I can't get to a meeting I participate in when I can. It helps. I post to this board as often as I can. I thought that time would heal my longing for him but it hasn't. The alcoholism confuses the heck out of me most of the time. Why he would leave me and all I had to offer him for a broke alcoholic is beyond me. I just work with my higher power to accept that this is the path he needs to walk right now and I must walk my own path.
You are not alone, so many on this board share this same story.
