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I need help explaining addiction and father's abandonment to my children. They don't understand, I don't understand. The kids have only recently begun asking more questions (8 months after thier father and I split up). I know I need to start going to meetings. I've always got an excuse. My main issue is meeting new people. I honestly didn't think that Al-Anon would help since I took care of the problem (divorce). But now I am seeing that I need some help understanding and helping my kids understand. My ex-husband is addicted to pain medicine, and I really believe that he's still in denial despite being arrested, losing jobs and his marriage. He attends AA as a part of his probation, but I have not seen any positive results from it. I want to help him, but I know that nothing I do will help. I want to help him so the kids will have him in their lives again. Since I know that I can't help him, I avoid the subject of 'Dad'. It's getting to where I can't avoid it anymore. I am tired of feeling depressed, anxious and angry. I am tired of the kids being upset. I am tired of it all and wish he'd quit being so selfish. Any words of wisdom would be much appreciated. Thanks.
My heart goes out to you, I went through something similar and here is how I handled it.
I just told my daughter when she asked that her father was "sick" and that he was too sick to come and visit her and be a "Dad". I told her that it was all very sad, but that we had to pray for him since he was so sick (age 5). She accepted this simple explanation for many years, and then one day asked me HOW he was sick, she asked if he had cancer (age6). I told her that he was sick in his brain, that his brain did not know how to be a Dad since he was so sick. She accepted this for a few years, then one day asked if we could take him to the doctor so he could get better (age 8). I told her that sickness in the "brain" is very complicated, and that doctors had tried, but were not able to make him well. She asked me if he was in the hospital then and if we could go and visis, and I explained that "brain sicknesses" are different than "body sicknesses" that he could SEEM fine for many things like work and shopping, but for very important jobs like being a Dad, he was too sick for that. That worked for a while too, but around age 10 - 11 she got on a kick that we HAD to TRY to find a doctor that could help him. At that age they are already learning about drugs in school, so I told her about drugs and how they can make the brain permantly sick, too sick to ever be a good Dad.
She seemed upset about this, she asked if she could have "inherited" his sickness. I explained to her that he was a very good and kind person BEFORE his brain got sick from drugs, and she inherited the genes from the good and kind person. This was a comfort to her.
As she got older I explained the science of how drugs can cause permanant mental illness and she understood mroe and more. She is grown now and has come to terms with it.
Most of all DO NOT simply avoid the questions about their Dad, it is natural for kids to ask questions and abvoidance will sometimes breed resentment and make them more curious, until it becomes almost an obsession. Just tell them honestly that he is sick and explain as much about addiction as you can. YOU may need to do a lot of research into the science of addiction as I have. I have read many many physcological books on the subject to be able to speak with authority on it to my daughter, it is important to give children accurate information.
I also think it is important to let older kids know that they are more at risk of alcoholism than their friends might be. There is a genetic component to this disease, also the stress of growing up in an A home, and some of the behaviours they saw modeled there, has to be taken into account. There have been some studies done which show that kids with an A parent are much more likely to develop the disease themselves if they start drinking at an early age. I have been very open with my teens about this. My daughter is thirteen, several of her school mates are already getting drunk most weekends; my son is in grade ten, of course there is lots of drinking and drug use around him. My daughter has a metal allergy, so she has to be careful of what jewelery she wears. She knows that she is never going to be able to have multiple piercings, but we are slowly and carefully experimenting with pierced ears (an earlier attempt failed badly and painfully). I have dealt with the subject of alcohlism for them much the same way as we deal with the metal allergy - it doesn't mean that they can never drink, but it does mean that they must be more careful than others, and watch out for danger signs. So far so good, though it's early days yet.
I have two daughters. At the time their dad was using drugs they were 10 and 12. (You don't mention the age of your children). For all of us it was a bombshell. A good hearted straight laced man that just went down the wrong path.
I held nothing back from them. I told them both like it is. Both of them had learned about drugs in their school drug program. They knew plenty. The shock of knowing their dad was involved with drugs was more of an issue. Each child accepted the situation differently. One daughter (the older) was more accepting and forgiving of the situation. The younger child plunged herself into her school work and video games and became very reclusive. It took her nearly a year to open up and talk about the situation. I asked both of them if they wanted to go to Al-Ateen or go for counseling and got a big NO from both of them. So I had to work a little differently with them. I had to explain a lot of things to them. Mostly the "why" questions. Why did he do it? Why does he go to so many meetings? Why doesn't he care about us? Why are you going to meetings, there is nothing wrong with you? The whys are the toughest to answer. But if you put the answers in simple honest terms at least they can understand and make some kind of sense out of this situation.
I have to say that my older daughter has done very well. She has grown into a mature young woman that can appreciate life and learned how to let go of the past.
For my younger one she is on the right road but she still needs to learn how to let go. I am sure with time and a supportive family she will get over the bumps in the road. We all have our own crosses to bear, and she will have to learn how to do this as she matures.
For my older daughter journaling was a big help. She wrote volumes and expressed some of her deepest feelings. She also became involved with living her life instead of focusing on the drug issue. Just as we have to focus on meeting our own needs, she focused on her music. She now plays 5 instruments and wants to be a music teacher.
The best I can offer to you is be open (within limits), be honest, and most importantly be available. Listen for clues when they talk. Communication is one of the things that helped save my family.
Your comment, "I honestly didn't think that Al-Anon would help since I took care of the problem (divorce)" really struck a nerve with me. My soon-to-be-ex-wife thinks she is taking care of her problem by divorcing me. I've been in recovery almost two years and she is still resentful, scared and angry. She went to Al-anon 'for me' for almost a year. She still doesn't get it. You didn't take care of 'the problem' any more than my wife did. All you did was move yourself away from the source of the damage. During our 15 years together, I never cheated on my wife and there was never any violence. No legal or financial difficulties. But now that I'm sober, I realize the amount of emotional damage I caused her and our kids.
This is how it was explained to me. Say you were in physically abusive relationship, and wound up with broken bones, internal organ damage, and bruises all over. You leave the abuser (divorce) and say to yourself, 'he's the one with the problem, I've taken care of it.' No you haven't, you still need medical attention for the damage he's caused you. Pretty obvious. This is very similar to the emotional damage we active alcoholics cause, but there are no obvious physical symptoms to look at. Just removing the source of the damage, (in my case, by getting sober) does not address the damage that's been done. From my own experience, I see that my wife's denile that there's anything wrong with her is as strong as my past denile about my drinking. She still has not addressed her problems (that I caused) therefore she thinks she can 'take care of the problem' with a divorce.
Please go to Al-anon and get a sponsor who will take you through the steps. It will give you the tools to heal and help your kids.
