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It's been a while since I've been here. My husband was an active A. In March 2008, he went to rehab and got sober. March 7th of this year would have been 2 years.
3 weeks ago he started drinking. He hooked up with an old friend and started using drugs. He admitted to cocaine and crack. I got laid off in April 08 and am having a really tough time finding a job. We are in a hard hit part of the country as far as economy goes. We have 2 small girls, 3 and 10 months.
He doesn't come home often. He has spent all of his check on drugs. Stolen the kids money from their banks. Ran up his credit cards with cash advances. Took my card and bought a 100.00 gift card for himself at Wal mart. Took my money.
I've protected myself now financially. But my kids and I are broke. I have set up a WIC appt, applied for food stamps and assistance. I can't take his verbal and emotional abuse anymore.
He has no family here or friends but his user friend. His dad has been sober 20 years and insists I support him. I cannot for the sake of myself and my kids. I've been to al-anon and they tell me first and foremost to protect myself and my kids.
I feel guilty. And I'm tired of it all. I cannot even pay rent for January because he has spent everything. I don't get unemployment anymore because it ran out. I don't have family who can afford to help me.
(((((((Destynee))))))), I am so sorry that you going through this.
Do you have any community action agencies in your area that you can go to for assistance. The office you applied for assistance for should be able to give you a list if there are any. The YWCA is also a good resource.
You are right, you and your babies are your first responsibility. You are not responsible for him. Please take care of you.
Yours in recovery, Mandy
__________________
"We are not punished for our unforgiveness, we are punished by it" Jim Stovall
I certainly was in a very similar place with the ex A who used up all his funds and mine using drugs. You are not alone. I can very much understand the anger, frustration and pain associated with where you are. You are in the right place coming here. This place can support, nuture and encourage you.
Being in Al-Anon and taking care of yourself and the children is the best way you can take care of yourself, your children,.........and the addict.
You do not have to be with him, but when there is a positive change in you, there will be changes around you, not necessarily the way you want them, but better for you.
Your little ones need you most right now. Get whatever assistance there is out there for you and your little ones.....the help is there for a reason, and that is the best way to move forward to a better future. All guilt aside, this time is for you and your little ones. This too shall pass.....
Keep coming back here and to meetings whenever possible. I find this more theraputic than paying a psychologist for sure and there are no fees and lifelong friends that will give you nothing but words of encouragement....Be safe an remember to....keep things simple, love (hugs for you)
How do I deal with my father in law? He's been sober 20 years and lives out of town. He keeps telling me I'm acting like a victim and that I'm not helping my AH by not letting him be here and be around the kids.
He uses all night and then wants to come here and watch the kids while I run to the doctor's or grocery store in the morning. It's not safe.
He tells me I'm not using detachment properly, basically I should let my AH come home and be here.
I can't take the harassment of my FIL or the manipulative abuse of my AH. I don't know what to do.
When you applied for assistance, did you explain that you didn't have the upcoming rent money? I believe that there are apartments available that will only take a small percent of your assistance money for. If they didn't tell you anything, I would go back.
This is an incredibly horrible disease. Take care of you and your babies. You are not responsible for him, he's an adult, and is making his own choices. Hang in there.
Wow hard for me to belive that your FIL has been in recovery for so long and giving you that adivce unless he is a dry drunk and not working a program. First and foremost is the safety of you and your children period. Money wise maybe try CCS ( catholic community services ) or the LDS ( mormon) church who I know in my part of the country will try to give finacial assitance to those in need even if you are not a member. Also if nessary maybe you can find a battered womens shelter ( you mention emotional and verbal abuse not sure if it has been physical) but if he is threatning and verbally abusive to you i would wonder how long it will take until the children become the source of anger. As for the FIL my response would be if he feels his son needs the support you are not giving him you will be glad to get hubby a 1 way bus ticket to wherever his dad is so he can take care of him. Please take care of you and the kids, get to meetings God Bless and keep up updated
Yes, a one way ticket to daddy might be the answer. I think you need to take care of you and your children, this is a very difficult situation, I am sending prayers your way.
I'm not sure what your plan is and what advice might be best for you, but......
If your father in law is concerned, he should do what he can as well, because you have your babies to look after which many Afathers might not and will probably never understand...... Let him know your babies are your main concern and that you will help your husband only if he is serious on getting sober......
He would have been 2 years sober? Then he's got an idea of what it was like sober, right?
My husband relapsed this past December (after 3 years sober) after he lost his job in October and luckily all it took was getting a job in January to get his act together and he even gave me permission to punch him in the eye if he ever used and pawned a bunch of pretty valuable stuff again.
It's as if he had never stopped using......but one thing is for sure and I would have never beleived it but it happened::::
They told us "Keep coming to meetings and don't get too comfortable...." and yes......we got comfortable and all of us have been relapsing emotionally for the past year.......from not going to our meetings. This fellowship is what will hold dysfunctional families together and hopefully even stop the cycle if it educates our children.
You know what is best for you and the best way to support your AH is by you working on your serenity an keeping your children safe, even if you have to detach from him. Meetings on both your sides are crucial........
Thank you. He showed up last night high and just mean and abusive. I realize that if this is the cycle he chooses to continue, I will have to get the cops involved right? We rent from my parents so there is no way they will let him rent while me and the kids live someplace else.
He said this was his house so he was staying here and for me to go the eff upstairs.
He said he wanted to go to rehab but I found out our insurance has no drug or alcohol benefits. I called our doctor and he said the only thing is for him to go the ER for emotional reasons and they would get him admitted to a dual diagnosis center (he's bipolar) for 5-7 days and then they would try to get him into rehab through the state but it would more than likely not happen since there is a huge waiting list.
He left saying he needed to get some things from where he was staying. But I know he won't be back or if he does come back, he'll be high. He blames me for his current state.
(((((Destinyee)))) - it sounds like you need a big cyber hug!
You mentioned a few times that your H blames you... I hope that YOU don't blame you! If you have read the message boards you will see the three C's - you didn't CAUSE the drinking/drugs, you can't CONTROL his behavior/choices and you can't CURE his disease
this really spoke to me when I was new as I was always trying to fix my A... Of course he wants to blame you - why would he want to take responsibility for the awful things he has done!?!? Others have shared that you need to take care of yourself and your kids - and part of this is not accepting his blame game... even if it is just blocking it out and ignoring it (which may be the safest thing sometime).
As far as the cops - if it is a matter of your safety and of your kids, then that might be the best choice. Again - make the positive focus be on you.
I am not in Alanon so my advice is not that great. But his dad saying that is bugging me, hes been 20 years sober and dishing out advice to you saying you need to let him come home etc. i dont think that is good advice he is probaby strugglying with worry about his son but it doesnt make his advice ok.
-- Edited by Slugcat on Thursday 25th of February 2010 06:54:16 AM
