The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
First I want to thank everyone who responded to my earlier post a few days ago. I am so very, very grateful for this forum and for those who encourage me to "get back on the horse" and welcome me back into the recovery community with open arms.
I feel far from my program. I recently sought help for myself for another addictive/self-destructive behavior I have and have been attending a program several days a week after work for it. It is not twelve step oriented but I do find it applicable to this program, although I find it canot supplement my Alanon meetings. My depression has reared its ugly head these past few days - feeling especially hopeless and helpless - KNOWING that I have tools and a program but unable to shake some of it.
I have been packing. I finally found a new place and am moving out of the house that I share with ex-abf. He is working alot and on a wave of highs and lows - a dry drunk behavior of sorts - and I have been putting up with his outbursts. A part of me is resentful at him for acting that way towards me and another part beats myself up because I took it and now interact with him still. A part of me believes I should be ignoring him or giving him the silent treatment to make him "pay" for how he treated me.I lied to a friend over the weekend about not being able to attend a function and I have been feeling badly about that as well. The packing is actually really painful - going through collective items deciding who gets what. I feel like I haven't quite made peace with it. I don't feel alot of hope and my energy level and motivation to reach out feel non-existent.
As always Heather.... try to ease up on yourself a bit, and be a bit kinder/gentler to yourself, particularly with your expectations..... You may well be striving for "perfection" in a highly imperfect situation & world....
One of my favourite affirmations - "I did the best I could, with what I knew at the time"
My sponsor used to remind me, only partially tongue-in-cheek - "gentle mirror and reflection are an important part of our recovery - self-mutilation is not!"
Be good to you - you are worth it!
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Aloha Runner. As always I'm in support and have you and others in the same situation in my thoughts and prayers. What I learned in early recovery was very good for me and I use and believe it still...I can best focus and work on my own recovery in a quiet place and in quiet times. It is in those places and times that I am able to hear the voice of my Higher Power clearly the voices of Al-Anon which is the most powerful instrument my Higher Power has used to help me gain and maintain my serenity. If I had not sought and found those quiet places and times regardless of my emotions...I would most likely not be here and alive in the full meaning of the word.
Sadness is but one emotion. Let it be not the only one and temporary. ((((hugs))))
I certainly beat myself to a pulp for years for "taking it" from others. Now I no longer take it I can say its a long hard leap to make and you are certainly doing it. We don't just all into al anon and get it right first thing.
I know moving out from the ex A (more than 3 years ago now) was a very very hard time.
I also understand that when we are ready we do that.
I was ready but I still had no idea the process that went on afterwards.
You are reaching out and you definitley got friends here in Al-Anon. You are worthy of so much. Moving takes us out of our comfort zone and I know each time I have I feel just as you are :( (8 times in 5 years and once within the last month)
Take it easy and be extra nice to yourself whenever possible. I can relate to you right now and thank you for sharing this with us. Much love :)
It is healthiest for you to move out from him - but I know it is very hard to do. But as others said, it will give you time, space and peace to listen to HP and work ur program in. Knowing that the tools are there and picking them up and using them are two different things. I had awareness for 20 yrs of alanon, the tools, the program -but- I wasnt in a plac where I was willing to surrender - to give up the fight, so I fought on, resisted, created much more pain. I too had to get to a -bottom- as it were - a place where I was willing to try something different. Maybe I needed to go through that time of self abuse, where I kept perpetuating - kept putting me into situations that were causing me so much pain. Maybe I was simply in denial about it all. But with that awareness, when I finally did begin to accept my reatily (which was overwhelming and I was blaming myself for where I was) in time, I was able to see my choices and it gave me opportunities to change in.
I think for me, I realized I was wasting my life, while I was in my champion of the world/martyr role -- I was sacrificing myself/my life for people who resented me for my caretaking behavior. I was wasting my life by focusing on them. When I did connect those dots - it got easier to want to take action. Then when I began to feel better - well, the sky was the limit - I wanted to FEEL BETTER and I dove into program and worked it with all of my might. The more u give to YOU and working program ~ the more you will get out back in return for doing so.
Base your choices on how u will feel better in the end and it is a lot easier to do what feels right/better, then to keep doing things that allows you to feel worse.
Slipping away from program, shows us what is important to us - it helps us re-evaluate. i dont belive it is -lost time- bc HP is showing us & allowing us to determine what's important - it is a critical step. And both are always here for you - HP and program. Love YOU first - put you first, focus on YOU - bc you are all you can change or control.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
I like what code said.... progress, not perfection. We are all human, we have feelings, we are imperfect and we do things impulsively at times and regret the decision. We all have things that motivate us to do these things whether it be a strong need to feel loved or simply wanting to have someone else fix the pain inside us. I just try to remember that everything happens for a reason and something great is ahead for me. It's hard to stay positive during times like this, hard to focus on the present and the future, hard oh so hard to let go of abandoned hopes and dreams of life with another but time heals all. You are still in the middle of it now, once you are out you will get more clarity and as the dust settles you will see that there is still hope for you and hope for happiness in your life!
RunnerChick - first....my hope is that it's a new day and you've had an opportunity to be gentle with yourself and get a bit of rest!
I have to agree with those above me - be kind to you and have hope and belief that this is but a stepping stone to the next chapter of your life. I am always grateful when I am reminded that our emotions/feelings are temporary and do/will change as we work the program and take care of us. I am also one that often focuses on 'This too shall Pass' - in times of extreme sadness or extreme joy.
We are all here for you and I offer a huge (((((hug))))) with the knowledge you're not alone - HP's with you and we're all right here!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
