I feel for you and I can so identify!  It was clear by the time our son was one that my H was drinking and unreliable, and I did 99% of the parenting from that point on.  That was only one child, but it was so exhausting, even apart from my job (he was also bringing in no money). 

I know it doesn't seem like much of a comfort at this point, but kids do get easier as the grow up, and it won't be so many more years before they're able to do a lot for themselves and take some of the burden off you.

There are two kinds of issues, aren't there?  One is the practical matter of how to get through each day, and one is how to acknowledge that your AH is no help without being so enraged that it eats at you and makes you miserable.  Or at least those were my challenges.

I don't have any family nearby, and I would get heartsick looking at parents who not only had a responsible partner, but grandparents and other people to help living nearby.  But I found that I could build my own "family" of friends of my child.  I joined a Birth-to-Three group and made some friends that way, and when he was two he started going to daycare about six hours a week.  He made friends and I made friends with his friends' parents.  They were all lifesavers.  We swapped childcare and kid sleepovers and favors.  They really saved my bacon so many times.  It was a big contrast to my AH, who meant well but never could be relied on, never picked up the slack, never stepped in.  I could mention to one mother, "I've had a hard time shaking this cold," and she'd say, "Why doesn't he come do a sleepover tonight?"  And I could sleep late the next day.  I can't tell you how important these people have been.  It took several years to build up enough relationships, and sometimes people move and you have to start again, but community is how I've gotten through it.

I also had strict "rules" for taking care of myself -- like I stayed up no more than one hour after my child went to bed, or else I was short on sleep and the next day was twice as hard.  As he got older, I'd leave breakfast snacks on the lowest shelf of the fridge for him to get in the morning, so he wouldn't wake me up when he got up at the crack of dawn and felt hungry.  If he had to get going fast in the morning, I'd put him to bed in the clothes he would wear the next day.  Etc. etc. etc.

And about the AH -- your thought about war widows is sort of how I did it too.  I remind myself that there are single mothers all over the country (all over the world!) with no husband at all.  My father was orphaned and taken in by a single relative who had already raised two other orphans -- she was 85 when she took him in.  She lived to 101!  We are part of a huge community of women who've stood by ourselves (and together) to do this.  I think you're right to stop waiting for your AH to change -- he'll do that or not on his own time -- and to recognize that taking care of you and your kids is your important job.

I recently was getting mad because I felt as if I were "working" for my A (now ex-H), since I'm picking up the slack and having to be both parents.  My therapist said what I'm really doing is working on behalf of my child -- I'm doing things for him, not for my ex.  That was true and helped me let go of some of my resentment.

Keep coming back -- and I hope you can get to some face-to-face meetings too.  (Sometimes they provide childcare.)  You're doing such an important job and you need and deserve lots of support.

Good morning Angel, and I too am glad you are here.

My children are now 17 and 15 and like many here, I've been the # 1 parent.  It's not been fun, easy or stress-free by any means.  I arrived here very angry, scared and completely exhausted - as my 17 YO has been embraced with addiction and our lives were completely chaotic.

What folks here told me is to take care of me.  Start with breathing and doing small things for me.  Find F2F meetings (face-to-face) and start going.  Get literature and read.  Stay close here for fellowship, assistance and Experience, Strength and Hope (ESH).

What I have learned so far in this journey is that I can find peace in taking care of me.  I also can embrace my anger and get help from others on how to deal with it.  I am not alone in this journey and will never be again. 

This disease is the only one that works to convince all affected/inflicted that it's not 'that bad'.  The most important elements of the program, for me today are learning how to love me and being able to love those practicing/recovering in my family while targeting the disease with my anger/frustration.

So glad you're here.  We are all here to support each other so here's some (((((hugs)))))...

I hear you and understand.  I have been a single mom for 17 years - my girl is about to graduate!  It is difficult, no doubt about it.  But it goes by so fast and they are such a blessing.  I would do it 10 times over.

I can't count the number of times I have said "I am glad her Dad isn't around, it would have made thing so much harder."

Perhaps that is a way you can look at it.  Perhaps if you stop expecting from him and just do what you need to do, it will be easier.  I agree with Mattie, you are not alone.  There are many single mothers out there struggling and together we can do amazing things.  Always seemed I got exactly what I needed when I needed it.

Believe me, I get the "dream".  I have always had it lurking in the back of my head.  Happy little family, loving - responsible man/father/husband.  But it wasn't a reality and the more I wanted it, the more I reached for it, the more disappointed I was.  I had/am having a great time being a Mom.  There are times when you are so sick. so tired, that getting up and caring for others just seems impossible - but it is necessary.  I remember one time I was so sick I could not get off the couch.  Literally, could not stand.  The maintenance guy from my apartment building had to come get my infant and take her to daycare then take me to the hospital.  The maintenance guy.  I had no family in the area.  The rest of the times, you get up and drag yourself to do what needs to be done.

But through all the struggles, pinching pennies, falling into bed exhausted, working full time, running to daycare, Brownies, sports . . . their love, their hugs, their little hands, dirty faces, climbing into bed to snuggle - make every second worth it.  I guess I was lucky, I didn't have anyone there to resent.  Sounds like you setting him aside and letting go of the resentment is a perfect idea.

We are here for you.  We understand.  Come share your struggles as often as you need.  Below is a pic of my latest little gift.  Their love is precious and trumps all my woes hands down.

Tricia

I spent a lot of time resenting the ex A could not cope, provide or "be there".  He aluded to it when I first met him, he did everything he could to bring me in then dropped it when he had me.  I was always wanting the person I first met back and know that was an illusion.

The resentment is so so toxic.  I found it tremendously hard to let go of the betrayal.  That betrayal was on top of the betrayal of my own family so there was definitely a pattern there for me of not knowing how to get my needs met.

I do not think your analogy of his being dead is wrong.  In some ways he is dead to you and your child's needs.  He is barely able to acknowledge his own needs.

I raged and raged and raged for a long time before I got to acceptance. The more I put out the issues I had with the ex A (in here not to the outside world) the better I got.  I got to acceptance and can't say it was an easy, enduiring or sunny journey but I did get there.

Take care of yourself.  You may not know how but you can do it.

Maresie.

My AH has been a "hard" drinker every since I have known him.  I had the illusion that
he would "outgrow" it as time passed.  We have been married over 30 years and he
now will verbalize that he is an alcoholic. He held it pretty much together until our son spent 15 months in Iraq. That pretty much finished him off and he "crossed the line" with his drinking.  I have two children, they are now 29 and 26.  Even though we were married through all their growing up years and Dad was around, it was Mom who was always THERE) my daughter became insulin dependent at the age of 11 and that was another BIG challenge), I was the one who sat up and waited for them, gave them rides, helped every night with homework, was ALWAYS at their sporting events, their school events.  We did do things as a family but they knew where to go when they had a problem or needed something. It's not that their father didn't try, but he had let them down too many times and they couldn't count on him.  So, they quit going to him.  I guess what I am trying to express, is that I wouldn't have missed ONE of those events, rides, or even the worries. They are grown now with children of their own.  Cherish your time with them now. The time goes so QUICKLY!!  Remember, it isn't the big events that they will remember. It's the littlest things. It's kind of funny, my daughter and I were just talking about memories of childhood this past weekend - we had lots of chuckles about them. You are not alone. I think most of us here have gone through in some type of form or what you are going through. Take it one day at a time and try to find some joy in each day.

Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain.