The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Since I left the ex A the only men I have met have (a) active addictions (b) no boundaries and (c) both issues.
There are many days when I can buckle up and say that I dont' mind being alone. Really I have not known what it is like to have an active partnership that is someone who helps out rather than demands help and denies me any. There are other days when I am so lonely it aches and I find it hard to even acknowledge at all.
Today I saw a neighbor who has more pets than I do (12 cats and 2 dogs) and two teenagers, radiant with her new boyfriend. My first thought was that I was happy for her (she was bouncing with happiness) the second was that somehow that this was a sign that there will never be anyone for me. Funny how I read other peoples happiness as a sign I'm never going to be happy at all.
I get drained looking and being disappointed. I also don't really know how to look and what to focus on (I'll never deal with another alcoholic). I know I am far far better at spotting them and letting go.
I think I have to find ways to manage my loneliness and also ways to correct my automatic negative thoughts too. I do have company these days, I have a community here that I cherish and love. I have a few friends and I no longer have to people please. There is progress and not perfection and then there is loneliness. I know the fear of loneliness kept me with the ex A as did many other reasons, poverty and illness and the recession too. I just haven't found a way to manage it yet.
One thing I do know is that having a relationship with an alcoholic while it might not be lonely is not something I want to try again.
Maresie.
-- Edited by maresie on Saturday 20th of February 2010 06:00:35 PM
I have moments in my days that I feel lonely....and often there is at least one here! In my home, with 2 teens (one just out of treatment) and an AH, the disease dynamics do make it as though we are all room-mates with no other connection.
I am grateful to have a few family members that support where I am as well as a few friends. While I'm not often in a mood to go 'out and about', they are close if I need them - phone or live.
(((((Maresie))))) - your HP thinks you are special enough that the 'right' person is going to appear at the 'right' time! I am confident of this and have faith for ya...
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I hear you, Maresie. It's funny that when my friends say, "All the men are crazy or taken, I'll never find anyone, I might as well just give up," I think, "No! You've got so much to offer! There's a great man coming who's going to thank his lucky stars when he meets you!" But when it comes to myself, I fall into that gloomy thinking. I do think that past a certain point in life, you have to be more open and adventurous and determined than when you're 20 and you run into single people everywhere. But also, the more I see, the more I understand that the key to it all is moving on from the unsuitable ones early on, instead of getting into that thing of "Maybe I'm just too picky/Maybe no one else will ever come along/Maybe I can just change him and make him right for me." Then years go by... It sounds as if you've totally got the moving on skills, so you'll be ready when someone healthy comes your way. Meanwhile, on to making our lives the best they can be, right?
MARESIE I AGREE I HAVE FELT LONLIER IN A CROWD OF ADDICTS THAN I HAVE EVER FELTWHEN I WAS ALL ALONE WITH NO ONE IN MY LIFE.
TRUST THE PROCESS. I UNDERSTAND THE FEELING WHEN SOMEONE ELSE GET SOMETHING I WANTED, I WOUL FEEL OH NO NOW I CANNOT HAVE IT. i FORGOT THAT MY hp HAS AN UNLIMITED SUPPLY OF GOOD STUFF.
ALL I HAVE TO DO WAS KEEP TURNING MY WILL OVER AND KEEP SHOWING UP.
Maresie - great topic, I can so relate... I was often lonely when I was with my ABF, I was painfully lonely before we met and I again yearn to be back in my relationship or ANY relationship because of the continued lonliness. But being here, I am trying to learn that I require/deserve more than the "first come, first served" methodology to dating that I seem to have employed...
Mattie - I could have written your post - WORD FOR WORD...
I don't have answers, but I am trying to find them too! You guys are all wonderful and helpful to me and this place really helps me forget/ignore the bad thoughts of lonliness when it starts to invade my thoughts.
