The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
In my earlier post I said my 26. yr old son is on a 72 hour hold for depression and suicide. He is going to be released Monday morning and has no where to go! In order for him to go to rehab he needs to find a place with an available bed. He said he called a few places and he is on a waiting list, he didn't say how long for. Anyway, he wants to know if he can stay at my house until he gets accepted somewhere. I said NO, you can't live here at my house because you are very nasty to me, you get enraged and are very volatile about everything! He is a walking time bomb at all times. I have a husband and another son that lives with me. I just don't want all the added stress and tension that he would bring with him. He got very upset and started swearing and saying it's because " you don't love me or care about me" and just hung up! My question is, once he is released, do I not help him by letting him stay at my house or do I allow him go to homeless? I'm so confused, I just don't know what to do. Please help me see the answer, I feel trapped no matter which way I turn.
This goes to show that we really are powerless over alcoholism. I cannot say whether you are enabling or not as each person has different expiriences, but you do have the right to say NO or yes for that matter. Do not second doubt yourself about this but just know that you are doing what you can for you. We are powerless over the alcoholic. We can only do as much as we can and the rest we need to "let go and leave it up to a Higher Power" for the sake of our own well-being.
LOVE::: You can let him know that you love him in different ways aside from having him in your house, but whatever came out of his mouth was the disease speaking so that can be thrown out the window. There is also something called "tough love" which as children we might not understand, but in the long run we love you more for it. Even if we can't see beyond today, we can still hold on to HOPE FOR TODAY........ If you have the book "Courage to Change" check out the pages indexed on subjects such as "LOVE, Boundaries, and Peace (for you)". I know that helped me. I haven't dealt with alcoholism in a child (yet), but I know as a mom the love is unconditional. ****warm hugs to you, roxy****
I so relate to your situation. My son although he is not mean or anything always seems to throw out the most hurful thing he can say to get his way such as " i'll just go kill myself then" or " you never loved me as much as you did my sister" etc. Of course all these things make me want to instinctivly protect him and prove him worng. And then one more time he has gotten his way. He has been in and out of jail and rehab most of last year and each time we told him he couldn't come back home yet each time we took him back. This last time he was sentenced to 6 months in the jail rehab program ( he may get out in June). I still must constantly remind him coming home this time is not and option but I will help him find a place to go. So far I have found a sober living home and he is on the list that is the best I can do. This time we have decided to take our stand. Hardest decision we have ever had to make knowing that he could be homeless and even if he gets into the sober living facility doesn't mean he will stay sober or they will keep him. We have to finally let him feel his own consequences and that may be exactly what he needs to get it together. What ever you decide is not right or wrong as long as you are comfortable with it. You are in my prayers
Isn't it amazing how WE feel trapped trying to help someone else deal with the consequences of THEIR actions?
We don't cause them to do anything. It is their choice to utilize their drug of choice. And yet when we say no to them its OUR fault that they can't get better.
Telling another person no is so hard for a lot of us. Especially when it is someone we love. Al-Anon is teaching me how important saying no is for everyone involved. No is a complete sentence and needs no explanation. I say no to protect myself not to punish the other person. And sometimes no may be the only thing I can really do to perhaps help another person get serious about helping their self. To quote part of the title of the book I am reading, sometimes "Love is Not Enough".
When I have a really hard decision to make I pray about it. Make a decision, and try to let go of the outcome. In the end the only person the decision has to sit right with is me.
Whether the answer is yes or no, I accept the results and move forward.
Yours in Recovery, David
-- Edited by david62 on Saturday 20th of February 2010 11:38:11 AM
I would very much doubt a hospital is letting him out to be homeless. Do they have a social worker you can talk to. They generally arrange the transfer from the facility to a place.
In theory they can also give them hotel vouchers.
If he does come to stay with you there is a way to set limits and believe me I know how impossible it is to set limits. Nevertheless many people have done that.
Chin up you have this group to come to anytime you need to.
((((roxygirl)))) - Like all others, I have no direct answer for you. I often feel that the first answer that pops in my head often is the right answer. It's my disease and the effects of it that cause me to start the never-ending debate in my mind on right/wrong or good/bad or enable/help or ...
I agree with what has been said about the power of your HP, Prayer and turning it over. I've got you all in my prayers - and know God's gotcha in his hand(s)!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
When trying to make a decission like your facing perhpas THE GREATEST GOOD FOR THE GREATEST NUMBER . might help . I like the suggestion of talking to a councelor or social worker telling her your dilema theywill probably have something in place to solve the problem , and he could be lying to you to avoid going into a facility . Only you know what u can live with and if his phone call was any indication of how he treats you, the decission might be easier .
I just don't know what to do. Please help me see the answer, I feel trapped no matter which way I turn.