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Hi- I need to know if anyone knows some options I have...
Afiance-4 dwi's, on probation, no license and was drinking(of course at home in secret-while i was going in to the liquor store getting his stuff) well a week ago I told him I am done going to the store and he needs to get help or the kids and I will leave. So, he decides he won't drink and has not drank since last week Friday. Well, he decides he will go to AA (still has yet to ask me to take him) and outpatient in the spring when work settles down (his job never settles and this is his excuse, he needs to do the outpatient anyways to get his license) I was hoping of course trying to control the situation by suggesting inpatient, but he refuses to ever do inpatient he said.
Is there a way I can let his P.O know that he was drinking? Or since he has stopped now that it won't be vailed information to give the P.O. or is it just not my place to inform the PO?
If he does outpatient then that means I have to give up MY time to drive him to that, and the timing of the outpatient will not work with my school schedule, Am I suppose to just drop what I am doing to help him get to his outpatient everyother day?!
I feel like I already did my share in carting his butt around when he was in trouble, he got out of jail 2 yrs ago and had to do breath test each morning before work, which I had to get the kids up at 6am to drive 15 miles for him to do taht and we did this for 4 months!in the winter, well it was Feb of 08 and my kids were like almost 2 and then 3 months old. and then when he served his 30 days I had to drive him to and from work each day, I feel like I did enough!
Just go to the damn treatment center already. Im just so angry!! I want to tell his parents and mine and maybe they can knock some sense in him but then again I feel like it is not my place he is a big boy and can admit it to them, im not hiding anything from them anymore but does that mean to hide the fact of the past too? I just wish there was something to get him out of the house!
It's nice to meet you. I haven't seen your earlier posts so please forgive me if I repeat what others have said. Based on your story, I think your best option is to use some of the energy and time given to your AFiances dramas, for yourself. I too used to spend a lot of time and energy "absorbing" the consequences of my AH behaviors. It took me a while in al-anon to make choices about what I would help with, and what I would not. For me it came down to food, clothing, shelter, medical care and love were "in", buying alcohol, cajoling, monitoring and reporting were "out". I've also learned that finding or pushing to one form of rehab or another was not successful, because it was me doing the effort.
I can really recommend alanon meetings for you to hear the ESH of others on where they drew the line.
I can hear the frustration in your voice. You say, "If he does outpatient then that means I have to give up MY time to drive him to that..." But you don't really have to, do you? His drinking is entirely his responsibility, and his recovery is entirely his responsibility. My A had a million reasons why now was never the right time to start recovery -- I think he even believed half of them, and he had me believing all of them. And he always needed me to do so many things -- in fact he needed the world to do so many things before recovery was convenient enough for him. If some eccentric billionaire said to your A, "I will give you a billion dollars, cash, on the spot, if you can get to a recovery meeting without your girlfriend taking you," don't you think he'd find a way to do it? If he's invested in his recovery, he'll find a way to do that too. If he's trying to put off the day he starts recovery, he'll always find ways to make it more complicated. Leave it to him to figure out. You can't make him, and if he's determined to recover, you can't stop him.
His P.O. can't make him either. They know about that kind of thing. I'm guessing you're tempted to tell the P.O. because you're hoping someone else can control him? In Al-Anon we learn that we can't control it, nobody can control it -- except the drinker. He's on his own schedule. Meanwhile your job is to take care of you.
Hello , well first his recovery is his problem that includes finding his own transportation to and from out patient program no reason for you to re adjust your schedule , he got himself into this mess and can get him self out of it . There is always time to drink = but no time to recover ?? hmmmmm Don't lie for him anymore or cover up , if he has managed to get all these dui's I suspect you have done your share of protecting him from his parents finding out what is going on . it's time to detach and let him figure this out for himself. Your right its not your job to tell his family . when u stop protecting him theywill soon clue into the problem . Instead of driving him to prog , drive yourself to Al-Anon meetings u need support , perhaps yor parents will help with sitting for you for a couple of hrs so u can go to a meeting for yourself .Take care of you and your kids , he will have to figure this out for himself .
I could feel your anger and frustration as I read you post. I was once there, too.
My soon-to-be exAH is living with a brother, way out in the country. His license has been suspended for a year. Walking to the store and back would be a day's journey. And yet, he manages to get his cigarettes, and yes, his alcohol. I don't know how he gets these things, for I've learned not to ask (mind my own buisness).
He says it's impossible to attend meetings right now due to lack of transportation. However, he finds a way to get his vices (cigs & alcohol). This kind of reasoning used to tie my head up in knots because I wanted to make sense out of what he told me.
I now realize: 1. Where there is a will, there is a way.
2. He got himself into this mess; he can get himself out when he has had enough.
3. All my attempts to 'help' him were usually attempts to control him.
4. If I don't take care of myself, who will? If I don't, I will be a burden to our two grown children.
*Glad Lee posted #3 the other day and a light went off in my head!
It's not easy to mind my own business these days. It does get easier as my understanding grows. I spent most of our 36 years of marriage "trying to help him." Despite all my so-called help, his alcoholism progressed; I never let him suffer the consequences of his choice to drink.
I reach out to others because I do not want them to take as long as I did to realize that our help is often enabling. We have to step aside and let them hit their bottoms.
I hope you find the answers that are right for you. GaiMichelle
-- Edited by GailMichelle on Saturday 20th of February 2010 10:51:06 AM
-- Edited by GailMichelle on Saturday 20th of February 2010 10:51:39 AM
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You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
With my son.. I called his PO each time i saw he was high. Finally they came and took him into custody I talked with the PO and he decisded his recommeddation to the judge was Inpatient treatment. Son had to go no excuses. So yes getting his PO involoved can help you if you are willing to go that route. For us we saw it as the only option as Son knew how to get around drug tests etc. He also was in out patient treatment and believe it or not showed up high ( so obvious) and the couslor never reported it so we couldn't count on them. As far a driving him to and from his out patient... I am sure there are buses running all the time. He needs to take respondsibilty to get himself there and back God bless
I can relate very much I tried to make the ex A see sense for a long long time. The not making sense is actually part of their disease and I know its pretty hard to hear that.
Detaching is incredibly hard work. There are many many ways your A can seek treatment. For one there are meetings on line if he absolutely can't make them any other way. There are also ways he can get medical help on the issue.
The ex A always made it that I had to turn my life up side down because he had a crisis. The intention was never reciprocated by him, when I was ill he was nowhere to be seen, when I was ill it was "too much, too boring and too great a trouble to help me". Nevertheless I persisted for a lot of years. Then I found and absorbed al anon. Detaching is the hardest thing I ever did and I had to practice practice and practice.
Like you I believed I knew the ex A backwards and forwards. In retrospect I had no real vision of what a hold the disease had on him.
Aloha Lindsey...You got some great feedback and your anger and resentments are more than qualified however its okay to stop!! Do any and all the stuff you have in question for you. If there is one thing I learned about the disease it is like a very hungry tiger...whatever I throw its way it will gobble up and still want more. Its okay to back away from under him. Get the weight off and let him down onto his own two feet. In support anytime. (((((hugs)))))
