The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Settling and maintaining boundaries is what I think I need to focus on right now. I've gotten tons better at thinking about where I want the boundary to go and wanting it to exist. That's progress for me, believe it or not. When I got here, I didn't realize how much I allowed people to step all over me or that I even had a choice in the matter! So now I realize that I need a boundary a lot faster and easier than I ever did before, but sometimes I'm still having trouble communicating the boundary to the other person. I always thought this was because I'm almost painfully shy, but I'm not really sure it is. I think I'm still holding on to some thought that if I set a boundary, someone else isn't gonna like me.
A little while ago my phone rang and it was my exAH. I answered it - our son (he's going to be 9 next week) has his first school dance tonight. I had just taken my son to the dance, and my baby (he's 4.5 months old) is asleep, and my AH is at an AA meeting - so I have a very rare moment at home where it's perfectly quiet. I was going to get on here and take in some wisdom and reclaim my serenity. I figured I had at least an hour and a half to myself, if the baby didn't get up! But I couldn't get off the phone! My ex kept talking - about how he's going to get such a great job when he gets off probation for his last DUI, about how he's finally getting over our divorce and learning to be happy, how he's going to get a house, what a great job he's doing at work, etc. I was only half listening to these things and thinking in my own head that what he was saying sounded just exactly like all the promises he used to make me when we were married, and I really just wanted to hang up and enjoy my quiet evening. I am glad my exAH sounds happy, and that's the extent of it. So why couldn't I just say that I had to go? I was thinking it! I was wishing I could open my mouth and say it!
I think that boundary setting is going to be my next pet project. :) I was in a meeting not too long ago where we were talking about signs a person might need Alanon - and there was a list of about 20 things. Of course, I could relate to almost all of them, but the relevant one here was "has a hard time saying no." I shared about that one, and so did a lot of other people. Then an old timer shared. She said that when she first got to Alanon, she had a hard time saying no. Then she said she no longer had a problem with it. She said, "I can say no. I can say no, thank you. And I can say hell no! And I LIKE IT, TOO!"
That's the place I want to be. I'll keep coming back because I want what she has!
Thank you for your posting, Summer. This is something I really needed to listen too as well and cheers to that! I wonder not being able to say no might be a self-esteem issue (its definitley for me)....on the other hand, when when we focus on our self-worth, it seems so much easier to say NO...and it's ok, because those who love us, will love us regardless and when we say "NO", it's another way to admit, "hey, I"m not perfect, and I can only take it one step at a time"....we really cannot do it all can we? Plus, I find that when I do not say no, that is when I get into the most trouble :) go figure! Thanks Summer
Aloha Wabbit!! (kinda mix the two together while feeling fuzzy.) LOL...
Saying no or anything else different is just a matter of practice. I use to say no all the time as a default and then with the alcoholic couldn't get it out at all. So I would practice...I'd think up a situation that we had gotten into and that I found myself an unhappy participant and then give myself a 3 second delay rather than just reacting and then I'd pronounce "No" in various forms. The first time you get it out is the key one. Get the no out and listen to yourself tell the alcoholic or whom ever else you're "noing". That's experience. Then you can stick to it or vary it or change your mind about it but the practice is very good. "No" is a complete sentence. Al-Anon 101.
I set a lot of boundaries and some people in my life absolutely hate it. I've learned to live with it. I most definitely did lose people as a result of having boundaries. I also gained self esteem and stopped craving the negative attention I got from not having them.
My son just got outa rehab on Thursday. Well ... it's been fun sticking to my boundaries and saying NO - fun being sarcastic. I believe he sees a few changes, and just doesn't know how to react/deal.
My 2nd born son asked last night if 'we' could go out to lunch. I had promised him last weekend we could this weekend, and did not know, at that time that my son would be coming home from treatment.
So - my 2nd born came to me @ noonish, and asked if we were still doing lunch. I said, "sure" - and so off he went to the shower. My 1st born comes down, and says, "I hear we're going for chinese!"
I turned around and said, "Honey, Zach and I are going alone. We made this date last weekend, and you and I had lunch on Thursday."
Now....NO would have been a lot less words, and a lot easier, or - maybe not - as I felt guilty for excluding him. New behavior for me, but my 2nd born NEVER gets alone time and seems to often get shuffled on the priority list. So, this 'date' was - for me - an opportunity to be with just him!
My oldest did say he understood, and went on with his day. However, I still felt guilty - *sigh* - so much work to do (on me) and my boundaries! Thank you for this thread!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
wow....iamhere......well done you!!!!! no need for any guilt there my friend. you acted calm and decisive and held your promise to son number 2 who quite rightly had asked for some you time! you should make it a regular occurrence....quality time for the two of you without all the other nonsense going on... make it a rule that the A is not to be spoken about during your time out!!!!
