The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
What do I care if my ex-husband & I would've celebrated twenty years of marriage on Tuesday! I am so over him but I can't seem to forget that date. It is not that I love him anymore. I don't even have a desire to see him or even talk to him at all! But my memory had me at a place as usual. I am so sorry that I even think of him at all. I am happily married to a wonderful man who treats me like a queen. The ex never really tried at all. I am so grateful that I don't have to think about him or wonder what he is doing today. So, I guess I am at another crossroads in my life of letting go. Sometimes I struggle to much with the past. It is hard for me to let go. Just last week I had a minor melt-down when I was watching "The Time Traveler's Wife" It was a very weak moment when I realized that my husband could be gone in a second like he did in the past. I cried & cried! There goes me not letting go. I just felt so moved by the movie. I guess I am a sap & am a cry-baby. Of course my husband isn't a time-traveler. But, he disappeared & at times I didn't know where he was. LET GO, KATHLEEN! THAT'S ALL--I AM SO DONE!
The letter from my wife's attorney proposing our no-fault settlement was dated on our 10th anniversary. I thought that was ironic. Our divorce was finalized on what seemed like an irrelevant date - only later that day did I realize it was the anniversary of someone's death -- a person whom we both admired, and in fact that had been one of the things we had in common that brought us together. I thought it was very fitting.
My parents wedding anniversary is one of those dates that keeps coming around in my life, over and over and over. Very strange things have happened on that day throughout my life. Many other people in my life have significance to that date... my childhood girlfriend's birthday, my current wife's parents wedding anniversary(!), several significant historical events, and I just found out it's the birthday of one of my all time favorite TV stars from my childhood. It's a date that I smell coming weeks away, and look over my shoulder until it is well past. It's weird and wonderful, at times scary and confusing - but always, always something to remember.
Just one story: my first summer being single, I stopped at a Chinese restaurant on that day and ordered carryout for one. I was reminded of all the times I had gone to that same restaurant ordering Chinese takeout for four... or two. It was pouring rain. I stood under the canopy in front of the place, debating whether or not to make a run for my car. I stopped and prayed for God to give me a sign that I was loved. A minute or so later I made a dash for the car.
Laying on the ground next to my drivers door, beginning to get wet, was a white envelope. Inside was a greeting card - obviously someone had purchased it at the store nearby and probably dropped it while getting into their car and either didn't notice, or saw that it got wet and just left without picking it up. The greeting card was a "cute" card, and very generic - not "to mom" or "to dad" or "happy birthday" but a card that said you are appreciated for who you are and what you do and thank you for being you. It was the kind of card my wife would have given me back in our early days.
I still have it - that was more than 15 years ago. I keep it in my closet and I see it whenever I get out a towel from the pile.
The best part is, today I have a wife (3 years since we met) who sends me cards like that all the time... so often that the pile of them on the dresser is now about 5 inches high and that's not counting the e-cards
It's little stuff like that that makes me believe. And every year when that crazy day rolls around, I wonder what it's going to be this time.
I am sentimental. I am not divorced yet (his idea) but I do get teary eyed on Christmas eve when we married - 35 years. Every thing from getting up in the morn, to running, to the things we use to do with the kids; my heart aches. Time for me to form new memories.
Wow - these are all great shares. I really relate to the "what if" aspect of Hoot's share. Gosh - I do that all of the time. And BariSax - yours just brought tears to my eyes. Thank you.
I don't think you are "stupid" to remember and care about a major loss in your life. To me it does not mean you are wanting your ex. to care about a major moment of loss in your life.
I really don't care for my exhusband at all, yet at times I am sad our life turned out the way it did, sad for the mistakes I made, even sad for choosing him in the first place- till someone said " perhaps you did the best you could with the information you had at the time. " A good way to put the past in the past!
Let your heart feel what it feels and don't let your mind, fears, old tapes in your head or anyone else tell you your stupid.
I feel better when I talk to myself in my mind as I would to my adult daughters who I love and respect. You might want to pick someone you cherish and think of how you would speak to them and talk to yourself in that manner in your mind.
Nothing wrong w/being sentimental. Ever think of an old beau and wonder what if? I do. I even found myself waxing sentimental about one that really was horrible. The good thing is that you shake it off and move on. You know what you have now. Celebrate it. When you find yourself thinking about the past remember the chaos and it'll get you back to reality real fast. Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
I am one who also does not think it is silly/stupid/wrong to think about the people who've been a part of our lives.
Someone once said to me that we are the sum-total of all our past experiences...the good, the bad and the ugly. For me, to get to the next step, I am certain all that has gone past or by was for a learning experience.
If not for the A's in my life, I'd not found this group or the program. While I sometimes wish the route/path here had been different and easier, I am sure, for me, that my efforts would be a bit different also.
I'm so glad to see you've got a 'new squeeze' in your life and that you feel like a queen! How much hope that gives is beyond words. (((((Kathleen)))))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
