The material presented
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I read someone post somewhere that its OK to post here everyday. I am going through a tough time, a trial of faith and a trial of someone I love getting close to hitting bottom. My ex boyfriend whom I write about is in a terrible cycle downward. He was sober 9 months with me - left for another alcoholic woman - hit bottom, then was 2 months sober - then back to drinking. Now he is worse than I have ever seen him since I have known him. I don't know what to do or how to support him? I researched outpatient facilities - found him a good one and he just got angry at me that I didn't understand him. So he has the resource if he needs it. He stopped going to AA. I am sure this has been written about alot and I do have the book another member kindly sent me. But ---- how does one support someone who is in a very destructive active drinking phase? I am in alanon - go to meetings - have a sponsor who I will meet with this weekend as well. He doesn't contact me anymore when he is drinking. I try to remain friends with him because I am concerned and want to know what is going on in his life. He missed a big interview because he was drinking (doesn't have a job right now). Drinks day and night (used to only drink at night). I am taking care of my needs first and my life, but I am really confused as to how I can "be there" for him through this. I know he needs to hit bottom and I am letting him
(((jas))), I can understand your concern for your exAbf, but I don't think there is anything more you can do for him right now. I think what you can do is detach. I know it's difficult, but he doesn't seem to want your support right now and your efforts only seem to be causing you upset and anxiety. Remember that this is his problem and he will have to be the one to do something about it. I'm glad you're in al anon, hope your sponsor can help you with this when you meet this weekend.
One great great resource is the book Getting them Sober. Toby Rice Drew also has a web site with lots of excerpts there. I think knowing how to be "there" with l imits is about the only way to go. The other issue is to detach. Making yourself sick with worry (and who hasn't been there) isn't going to help anyone.
For some people the bottom is a bad one. I don't think my trying to cushion the ex A's bottom helped him anyway. I do know it was about all I could do in the spate of fear, obsession and over responsibility. Learning what was enabling and what wasn't was very hard for me. I had to work a rigorous program to stay sane. We are there with you on this one.
I was obsessed with my ABF's life and drove myself crazy looking at what he was doing. Today I try and keep the focus on me. It hurts watchingpeople you care about on self disruct. Today I like to not watch. I have contact with my abf twice a week I could not do this in the past I was obsessed. The more i focus on my life and change the things I can the better my life gets. have handed my ABF over to his HP. I have done my step four and have so much work to do on me I do not hve time to focus on what my ABF needs to do. I pray ever night that he will find his own HP andhand him over. He is doing so much better. I really believe that now I am out the way HP can do his work. Becaus we love the A's we can sometimes share their pain this does more harm than good it feeds their guilt which feeds their addiction. When I look after me my A feels better becaue he can focus on his probs
The best way to help him - is to detach completely, work your program and mind your own business. As long as u mention his conditon - ur taking his inventory - he feels attacked anyway and misundestood -- detach= dont even try and change him/her. Focus on YOU and define your true needs versus wants.
Focusing on him, feeeds the disease and you lose~ you. Focus on YOU, detach with love emtionally from what he is or is not doing and set boundaries and stick to them. YOU are the only person you can control or change. What you focus on grows, and manifests what will be tomorrow. Make it you & something positive. Work the steps. I know for me it was boring at first - just focusing on me. WHen I said I was confused, I was told there was something about reality I was not accepting.
If you are concerned about your exAbf ~ pray for him and give him to his HP/god and work ur best program, focus on you and detach. None of us knows how our lives will end up or what our futures are. Life is a process not a destination. So is program. Reality is the now and right now, we can empower ourselves. The magic question (cosntantly) for me was: what can I do to allow me to feel better, right now/today. Then I did that thing, no matter how small. I quit judging myself and comparing. I quit expecting perfectionism and gave myself permission to make mistakes, so I could try something new/different. B/c the perfectionism was paralyzing me - I was scared to attempt anything new. Out the window went all of the expectations that I had over myself. My negative expectations were rampant.
Its how I still work it now - be in the now, love me first, honor my boundaries, MYOB & detach with love from everything else. For an out of control - controlfreak - in a few short years of diligently working my program - I have self control today and have emotional health and peace/serenity thanks to god and working it.
Take care of YOU whatever that looks like.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
I was told, "1.) They gotta need it, 2.) they gotta want it, and 3.) they gotta ASK for it." Until they do, my "help" is probably an attempt to control.
Program teaches me to allow everyone the dignity to live their own life, however they choose to do it. We all have the "right" to go as far down the scale we need to go, before we decide we need God.
(((hugs)))
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
I'm sorry for the situation you find yourself in. When I first got into the program I had a hard time realizing that I had no control over what the Alcoholic in my life. Nothing I tried worked, and like most of us I kept doing the same thing over and over and getting the same results.
After time in the program it slowly sank in for me that the three C's and Step One were not just words but something I needed to accept and practice. When that day came and I accepted I had no control over anothers drinking or any other aspect of their life for that matter, that I was powerless and had allowed their drinking to make my life unmanageable.... my life got better. That was the day I turned my alcoholic over to HP 100%, and didn't take her back.
Now HP is doing a wonderful job taking care of her, and that allows me so much more time to take care of myself, because nothing I had ever done to change or control her had worked anyway. I didn't realize it until sometime later....but it was as simple as getting out of HP's way.............Thanks JF
I also remember something Canadian Guy posted a couple of years ago. The best I can remember he was talking to his "Wise Old Sponsor" explaining to him what all he had being doing and not doing to try to control his AW. When CG neared the end of his explanation his sponsor looked at him and asked "So hows that working out for you?". I never forgot that and I'm reminded of it everytime I think back remembering all the different things I tried in order stop an control my Alcoholic.
My answer to "What to do to control an active alcoholic ?" The best and easiest thing I ever did......I turned her over to HP 100%....and most importantly ......I did not take her back. She was and is in his hands. There's not a better place for her to be.
HUGS, RLC
-- Edited by RLC on Friday 19th of February 2010 03:46:29 PM
-- Edited by RLC on Friday 19th of February 2010 04:33:06 PM
-- Edited by RLC on Saturday 20th of February 2010 12:31:32 PM
