The material presented
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Grrrrrr I am so angry at myself. I had a mega slip the past month and a half. STILL living with exbf. We were still acting as though we were together.
He took a turn this week and turned into this horrific individual - not wanting to be near me, saying nasty things. The worst part is that I convinced myself I wasn't addicted but I clearly am. I keep going back for more. He says something nasty and unlike a normal person who would HANG UP THE PHONE and write that person off, I keep calling back - keep trying to get him to say something NICE so that I don't feel so anxious inside because it is still OUR RELATIONSHIP, his love for me, his attention - that seems to keep me at peace.
How could I have gotten away from my program so much and from taking care of me? I am back at a really hopeless place. Convinced myself that I could still be in this "Quasi" thing with him without putting expectations or demands. How could I have been so naive? I'm having such a hard time picking myself back up. NOT staring at the phone - not texting and calling and pleading to understand why this sudden behavior change has occured.
(((Heather)))- it's OK it's NOT hopeless. We all have slips. The good thing is that recovery is not a ¨one time only¨ offer. You can start over. I suggest you go back and read some of your earlier posts- You'll see where and how you went from feeling so bad to gradually feeling so much better. You did it once before, you can do it again. And don't forget your HP. Keep coming back, and take care of you.
I could have written your post last week. And yes, I was beating myself up too. WHY do I stay in relationships that keep hurting me?? Part of it, is because I hang onto an illusion.... a fantasy... of what made me happy in the past, but no longer exists. Only in my mind.
Last week at a f2f meeting, I cried and cried about the grief I feel, and the despair that I just can't seem to let go of the relationship. The topic for the meeting was Step 2, and I shared that I just needed to hear that HP loves me, because it just doesn't feel like it, with so much loss in my life. After my share, someone told a story of a night she had dropped to her knees and genuinely spoke with her HP, asking from her heart, to feel the presence of a power greater than herself. I listened and I thought, how can it be so simple?? Yet, the look on her face as she told her story, told me it was a transformative moment for her, and that I needed to give it a try.
So, that night, that is what I did, I genuinely asked HP to let me know I was loved, and that He would restore me to sanity. I have to say, I felt an amazing presence surrounding me all night, I just felt so comforted and safe. And the next day, my obsession was removed, I had a completely different focus.
Days passed and I did well, but this week, I had a slip. Who is suffering? ME. Program teaches that God can't help me if I keep doing what I'm doing. I know that "God could and would if He were sought," but, I wasn't seeking God. I'm never seeking God when I keep going what I'm doing. It's like an A walking into a bar, seeking God.
So, you and I are walking this journey together. You are not alone. To be restored to sanity, we just have to cooperate with God. And we're gonna learn it when we learn it, not a moment sooner. (((hugs)))
-- Edited by glad lee on Friday 19th of February 2010 10:14:10 AM
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
I could have written this for you. I live with my Abf and I tell myself that I'm stronger than him and I'm going to leave and I love me and I can handle this weird relationship and on and on. I come here and getting amazing ESH, inspiring stories, etc and I'm filled with hope.
And then Abf (it's almost like he feels me moving away from him) throws out one of his tantrums and there I am sucked back in. the calls, the texts...it's endless. and it's then that I realize I am still so very "sick". I talked with my HP for insight to my madness. In a nutshell I feel like I've put so much in to everything, sacrificed so much, how dare he start with me. what if I leave he moves on gets totally healthy and some other woman gets the bf that I wanted out of him?? UMM, HELLO CODEPENDENT PARTY OF ONE?? :) I truly know how you feel. I'm on this path with you and anytime you want to talk I'm here, along with everyone else.
I love this group.
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"Change is the essence of life. Be willing to surrender what you are for what you could become."
I have been following your posts and your story because they are so similar to mine and I want to share with you that I too have slipped in a huge way getting back involved in my ex abf and his alcoholic relapse. One night two weeks ago I was on the phone with him the entire night - I mean until 4 AM while he was drinking. That was one relapse - talked to my sponsor, felt good that everyone relapses. Now he is in one of his worst downward spirals yet and I can't help but get sucked into the energy of the tornado at times. I can't help but worry when I don't hear from him (like today) and feel helpless and hopless to help him. I know he must hit bottom and I must let him and not intervene or enable. Yet, here I am waiting for a text, an email - some type of communication. I am struggling wtih my faith as to why this is happening, why I remain in his life. I can't tell you how helpful it has been for you to share your story and your journey with all of us. It has helped me immensely to know I am not alone and I hope sharing with you my relapses - helps you to know you aren't alone. Do you have a sponsor? I love my sponsor - she is so unconditionally supportive and helpful. This weekend I need to get to as many meetings as I can.
You're not hopeless at all Heather, and you're taking a brave first step by posting this so honestly.... I'd encourage you to stop beating yourself up about how you "should" be handling this, and instead get refreshed with the concept of "today is the first day of the rest of your life" - and you are capable & knowledgeable of how you want to deal with this going forward....
Getting validation from an active alcoholic is pretty much a recipe for disaster.... Getting validation from good, safe people in your life - this board included, is a much better plan..... Getting validation and love from Heather - is the ultimate... Spend some time with Heather, and fall in love with her all over again - I think you'll find she's pretty damn special....
Take care Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I so want us to make it. I obsessed about my AHsober. He doesn't treat me very well. Why would I let myself go through that? I work on my self esteem and self care. And my grown sons don't like it when I let him treat me poorly. Slips are ok.
Oh honey. I SO FEEL YOUR PAIN! The anxiety. The repeated calls in an attempt to get them to say the thing that will make you feel better. I just kept calling back even after the WORST treatment in the world so that he could say something to justify the behavior and make me feel okay with myself. I can feel the panic just reading your post. Take a deep breath. Step away from the phone. Pray. Journal. With every hour that goes by that you don't react you will feel stronger...by 72 hours you are like a champ. :). By the way, I found another site that also specializes just in codependents. It is www.coda.org. I am listed on there as alanoner. I find it to be very helpful as well. Hang in there. We are with you.
Welcome back - I have missed your posts. I am sorry you have struggled, but I am hoping it is these moments that make us stronger. I am amazed that the strength in all of the posts before mine - we keep going back even though we get burned. (hello - the fire is HOT festfan! don't touch)!!! I am lucky that I don't live with the ex ABF. I have spent the last 2 weeks in a weird silence b/c we haven't talked since I broke it off. But we still have to do the "closure dance" - exchange the "stuff" and settle some finances. So I decided to be the "bigger person" and call him to initiate this. Left a good message on his voicemail that I was proud of last night. He doesn't call back but sends me a very benign and non emotional email today that SETS ME OFF. Isn't he upset? Or is he too upset? Why didn't he ask how I was? Why wasn't he nicer? Why isn't he asking for me back???
I am grateful for this program because I think it is giving me the growth to not reach back out to him, but I still obsessed. ALOT. and its late and I miss him. Check that... I miss "someone"... but it really isn't HIM that I am missing. I have to keep reminding myself of that.
