The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My AHsober called last night. He is coming to town for meetings (we work for the same company). He asked if he could stay over night and then we both attend meetings on Friday. I said yes. Our son has moved back in with me after graduating from college. So he could see his son. His sister lives 10 miles down the road. He could stay with her. He basically excludes me from his life. Part of me doesn't want to treat him like he treats me. So I feel like I should be nice. He has told our boys that he has gone to a strip club. They said they saw him at a dance club and he seems to have girl friends. We are not divorced. He has never filed.
When I say ok to things like this, does it mean that I approve of his lifestyle? One son said I love my dad but he is a jerk. Don't have anything to do with him. Part of me is embarassed about my situation and I don't want the neighbors to know we are not a couple. Stupid on my part. Part of me wants to have a little part of my family back? I really don't know what to do. Am I just hanging on and hoping things will change?
Nancy
-- Edited by nmike on Thursday 18th of February 2010 10:05:48 AM
Maybe the THINK acronym will help. Ask yourself, is it Thoughtful, Honest, Intelligent, Necessary and Kind?
Not for HIM, but for you.
I completely understand hoping that things will change. I stayed in my marriage for a long, long time hoping it would change. Today, I am grateful for a program that pushes me to be honest with myself so that I dont have to keep doing what Im doing, feeling what I'm feeling. My inventory work showed me that I have a habit of staying in painful relationships waaaaay too long. I suffer because I cling to my hopes and fantasies, insisting on my will. This puts my name at the top of the list of amends.
I need to be here, because I need to learn how to make those amends to myself, how to practice better self-care. The bottom line spiritual lesson for me is, that I matter too. I need to learn how to love myself as my HP does. Its really painful to keep doing what I'm doing. Program encourages me to practice something different.
As for your approval of his lifestyle... is he asking for it? My husband never did. Eventually I left him to his HP... I was obviously not it. (btw, neither are the neighbors.)
(((hugs)))
-- Edited by glad lee on Thursday 18th of February 2010 12:23:44 PM
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
I think that saying yes to letting him stay means that you said yes to him staying - nothing more. Answering one question in the affirmative does not mean that you have answered any others affirmatively. Although you may listen to your children's perspectives and opinions, you have to decide what is the best decision for yourself. Nobody can tell you what that is, it's unique to you.
When I find myself thinking or saying that I "feel I should" do something, for me it usually means that there is a disparity between what I really want and what I believe I SHOULD want. In my experience, it pays to stop and consider what I really want, and then make a decision based on what I want instead of what I feel that I SHOULD do. I have made many decisions based on what I felt I SHOULD do, and these decisions have lead to nothing but pain for me. Feeling that I "should" do something has become a big red stop sign for me in recovery.
Aww, don't be embarrassed. It just is what it is. I'll bet that most, if not all, of those neighbors have something they're hiding from you because they would feel embarrassed if you knew they weren't perfect. It doesn't work to compare your insides with other people's outsides. You've nothing to be ashamed of.
Nancy.... I always think it boils down to our motives, as to "why" we are doing things.... If you are doing it out of convenience, and/or to be nice, and allow him to see his son, etc., etc., then there is nothing wrong with that....
If you are doing it to find out stuff about him.... or have expectations/hopes of rekindling things with him.... or trying to put on a show for neighbors, etc., then that doesn't sound as healthy....
In my opinion - it boils down to two things. One is your motive, and two is your comfort level. If you're pleased with both of those, then go for it!!
Take care Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Nancy, It looks like you have gotten some good ESH. I too was thinking of looking at your motives.
The other thing that came to mind for me based on my situation was what does staying overnight mean? Where exactly will he be sleeping?
When I split with my "A" there were a few times shortly after we split that he came over that things got very intimate. But I put a stop to it because I didn't like the way I felt afterward. I also wasn't able to enjoy the "happy family" moments as they just started feeling too fake for me. I was tired of living with the fake and wanted something real.
You need to so what is best for you and do what you can live with.
Yours in recvoery, Mandy
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"We are not punished for our unforgiveness, we are punished by it" Jim Stovall
Aloha Nancy...still thinking it would have been nice to see you again on the last trip thru the Big Island and several of the members were remembering your meet also but then you're here and reaching and you've gotten some great ESH from this powerful family. I can add, look at the consequences you want before your do the behavior. What you'll get from what you do. You know what you think and what you feel and you know what your motives are. You also know that you are kind and loving and hopeful, considerate and gentle. Those assets you spend on everyone so your detached spouse will still get treated in the Nancy way. Are you still investing in the relationship? If you are what return are you earning? Is this unconditional loving or are there expectations of some sort. There is no more need to prove that you are a genuine loving person. Would you do this for a REAL stranger?
What ever you do and however it ends up, let yourself be better for it. No grief, no sadness, no melancoly, no need.
First and foremost hugs to you....please do not let your heart go where it can be broken yet again.
I understand the feeling of just wanting your family back.....sometimes this is not possible.....but try and remember where there is life there is hope...do what you think is best for you....wishing the best for you and hoping all turns out in a loving manner.
